A Girl's Moment in the Spotlight

Although everyone wants to I want to be noticed, I am not really that comfortable in the spotlight. This became all the more apparent to me this weekend.

On Friday, my coworkers at school along with my junior and seniors threw me this AMAZING shower. I was totally stunned. No clue. The woman who usually was in charge of 'faculty showers' had resigned earlier this year, and no one had taken her spot. The staff is too thoughtful to not do anything, so I thought they might do a little cake at a teacher's meeting. Well, this was no add-on to a meeting. It was a full.on.shower...hot food and salad, gifts, decorations, invitations and the big 'Surprise!' I was so humbled and honored. And a little embarrassed.

It was a little awkward having all of this attention on me. I mean, it is just me. But with everyone just looking at me (albeit lovingly and with smiles) - I definitely felt slightly uncomfortable!

And I had the same sensation at my other shower last month: Nice...but awkward.

And I got that feeling a few other times this weekend. I finally have gotten around to the beauty regimen - which has definitely been lacking attention these days. I did the airbrush tan on Friday night as a test and got my highlights done on Saturday. All this primping - I can be girlie sometimes, so it felt nice - but as I was doing all this, it just reminded me that I am going to be center- stage on that day. James, too - but by and large, wedding typically are the girl's moment in the spotlight. All.this.attention.on.me.

And I started getting a little nervous!

I also had to pick out my processional music this weekend too, and I tried to envision walking down the aisle...and it hit me that everybody would be looking at ME!

I understand that these are my friends and my family...so there will be no criticism in their faces...but for a moment...I started to feel a little unnerved.

I am a teacher, and I am used to standing in front of people all day and having them scrutinize every hair that is out place, every wrinkle in my shirt and every swipe of chalk across my pant leg.

But this is a little different. On this day, I actually care what people think. On this day, I want to really try to be beautiful. And succeed. It is the day where it is sort of OK for you to be the center of attention. It's OK for you to take great pains to look your very, very best. And for people to notice. And honestly, I don't quite know what to do with that. But I'm not gonna lie - on the other hand, as nervous as it makes me, there is something appealing to me, too.

I struggle with feeling narcissistic and shallow. I typically like to be the background person, and I am more comfortable helping out behind the scenes than being center-stage. So, it feels a little weird feeling having this event that is all for you. That you planned it yourself.

So where that does leave me? Well, for one, I am going to try to enjoy it while I have it. I doubt I will ever get this much attention again in my life. And that is fine. But while I have it, I am going to try to just soak in the love I am getting and this special time where people really are going out of their way to show they care.

And although I am not used to it, it feels nice.

But at the same time, I don't want to lose sight of the importance of this day by focusing on the externals. Although I do think the attention and beauty and fawning do have their place, the MOST important thing is the covenant James and I are making with each other and with God. And long after the compliments fade and my fake tan wears off and my make-up is smudged by hugs, there will be James and there will be me. Together.

And that is why we will even have the spotlight on us in the first place.

Last Saturday Morning to Myself

I have had a terrible time sleeping the past few weeks. I keep waking myself up early (as in, I just can't sleep, not that I set my alarm clock to get myself up) because I am constantly running through all I have to do.

Today I woke up at 6. Then 7. And I forced myself to stay in bed til 8. I was amazed when the clock showed 9:20 (which is really 9:03...it's 15 minutes fast - 0r supposed to be - I mess up the time every once in a while when I set my alarm, adding a minute here or there). That little bit of extra sleep helped slow me down. I am a bit more calm and relaxed today - the first time in a while. Not rushing out for an appointment or frantically making phone calls or packing up my apartment. A lot of that still needs to be done, but I don't feel the urgency of it today. Thankfully.

And I realized this is the last pre-wedding Saturday morning to myself. Next weekend, I have a hair highlighting appointment and then our food tasting after that. The weekend after that is our rehearsal - we are having a morning rehearsal and brunch to follow. The weekend after that, I will be waking up in our hotel room, the morning after my wedding.

It's kind of a weird feeling...all of these lasts. Stuff I sort of took for granted...going upstairs to grub a dinner from my parents, having my nephew who lives upstairs come downstairs to watch The Office with me, having my parents puppies peak their faces through the staircase railing to say goodbye as I walk downstairs...

This has been life for me for a long, long time. I don't know that I have ever had a life change this big...not since college maybe. It's weird to think that 36 years of doing things is about to change. It is a good thing, but the only way I can describe it is surreal. I feel like I am a character in a story, acting out a part. It doesn't feel like me yet, like this is my life. It's all good, it just feels strange and unfamiliar...but strange in a good way.

No major wedding plans today...a few phone calls, a little bit perusing on the internet. But I think I need today to just be at home - in my apartment and at home in my life at present - and not make plans or arrangements for my life in the future.

That being said, I am going to enjoy doing laundry, grading papers and convincing James to take me out to dinner tonight.

Thanks, Inspired Dreamer!!!

For giving me the opportunity to be the guest blogger! Today I have the great privilege of being the guest blogger at "Out of the Extraordinary." It's my first time doing this, and I feel really excited about it!

If you've never checked out her blog, please do so! She is a great girl with a lot of awesome insights...seeing the extraordinary in everyday life. It's very cool. I've enjoyed following her blog lately - so check her out!

For the guest blog, I wrote about part of my adventure when I had to get another copy of my birth certificate (For that backstory, see here). It's called 'The Negative Space' - a lesson from high school that came back to me while I was on that little digression. I'm a teacher - so it's all about the lesson for me!

I'll be back here later this week, but for today, feel free to meander over to "Out of the Extraordinary!"

My First Ash Wednesday

I've never commemorated Ash Wednesday or Lent. I admit, in my judgmental state, I just sort of thought it was an empty ritual - people went to Mass, got some ashes put on their heads, vowed to give up something for a month and then they went on their way.

That is not what I experienced last night.

Since our new house is a bit of a distance from our church (and a nightmare-ish traffic catastrophe to get there), James suggested that we go to a small Baptist church nearby - he had heard there was a Bible study there on Wednesday nights and wanted to check it out.

Well, we get there only to find out it was an Ash Wednesday service. Since we were there already, we decided to stay. The downstairs doors to the fellowship hall were wide open, the lights were on - but nobody was there. Deserted, it felt like.

So, we walked upstairs to go in the main doors, pulled on them, rattled them a little. Locked.

We still were not easily dissuaded, so we tried to scope out another open door on the side of the church. I think we both felt like we were really meant to be there. All the sudden, the main doors swing open and a young guy about our age invited us in - the door just sticks, he said.

So we went into this old church, and it felt like we were stepping back in time...the wooden pews, the hymn numbers posted in the front, candles glowing....the church is just about 150 years old, we later found out. It had a very different feeling than our church. Solemn. Sacred. But I liked it.

The pastor greeted us and welcomed us to the service. James and I sat down - and so did the other guy. And then the pastor started speaking. I thought he was going to wait for more people to come, but he started promptly at 7pm. And no one else came. Just me, James and other guy and the pastor.

The pastor spoke of the significance of the ashes - representing mortality, mourning and repentance. And he gave us each a piece of paper to reflect on things that control us in our lives, that have become 'God' to us, sins and wrong attitudes in our hearts, things that are holding us back.

We each wrote on our paper and then brought it up to the front. This represented our repentance - our acknowledgment of our sin and our sorrow for it. Our shame. I felt it. I felt the weight of my honesty with myself and my short-comings.

And then the pastor burned it and put the ashes on our head. Forgiveness, he said. Our sin was burned up. God forgives us.

And then he said what I think touched me the most:

"When you go home tonight and wash the ashes off your head, remember that God has washed you clean of your sin and guilt. He doesn't see the sin, the shame, the 'ash' - He sees you cleansed, perfect - through Jesus."

And I got it. I got the ashes, I got the idea behind Lent - and I felt the lightness that comes when Grace arrives and puts your burdens on His back. And I realize that what we sacrifice for Lent is not to 'pay for' our sin or to try to do penance; what we give up for Lent is so we can be closer to God, because Jesus already paid for our sin, so now being close to God is possible.

Then we joined hands and all prayed together - the 4 of us - and then James and I stayed a while after and chatted.

Having never been to an Ash Wednesday service, I didn't know if this was the usual protocol - the writing on the paper, the burning it together, the prayer together at the end. It was just a half hour - but I was so touched.

I can't tell you what a nice night it was. No, nice is the definitely the wrong word. It was moving. Sacred. Reverent. Holy.

I just felt like it wasn't an accident for us that we ended up there - and it wasn't an accident for them either. We all just had a sense like this little gathering of 4 was somehow what was meant to be for the night. Well...5. Very apparently, God was there, too.

Source

My Life in Boxes - Letting Go

It is getting close - 38 days - the sprint to the finish - and all of these things that I've been procrastinating doing but need to be done, nevertheless.

The catalyst of the big event last night was the birth certificate. In NY, we need ours to get our marriage license. Well, my mother has always been the keeper of these papers, but as of late, she has not been keeping them so well! She tried to pawn the loss of the said piece of paper on me, but I assured her, I did not have it in my possession.

"Well, what about when you got your passport?"

"Mom, that was 1996. I was 22 then. I am sure I gave it back to you. I was still living with you at the time."

She told me to just check through my things before we had to go to the town to get another copy. Well, that led to me going into the back of my closet. This isn't just an ordinary closet...it's the kind that goes back and back, under the staircase, so far back that you'd think you would end up in Narnia if you kept going.

And I have been dreading cleaning out this closet. When I was in high school, I was....well...let's say...the sentimental sort. I saved every note, card, award, ticket stub, movie clipping, calendar, token of affection from a boyfriend or crush...anything that could possibly have a memory attached to it.

To my credit, I have to say, it was effective, because in looking at these items, I really did remember some of those things I have forgotten. And some (not all - but some) were actually worth remembering and made me smile at the memory of it.

But it was a strange experience...coming face to face with my life like that. It made me wonder, 'Who was that girl? Was that me?' It felt like two different people - I was a little embarrassed by the 'cheese' of that girl and her friends.

But the question at hand was this: How much of that girl needs to come with this girl? [Which begs another question: Are they two different girls???]

Well, I did throw out a lot, which is cathartic and cleansing for me. I hate clutter. But some things...I just didn't know if I could get rid of:

I have this purple pullover hoodie I got in 8th grade. My girlfriends and I all got these hoodies (long before Abercrombie took the monopoly on the market) and wore them all the time. I just couldn't give it up. I also found this souvenir T-shirt from a Washington DC class trip in 1988. Along with my 'Class of '88' shirt - Class of '88 graduating from 8th grade, that is. We had all signed it...so weird seeing the signature of the 8th grade Katie.

I found all of these old calendars...marked with everyone's birthday in known world (including Ron Darling, who I adored), every event, every party, every school trip...and while I couldn't remember every social extravaganza, there was something comforting in the fact that, even in spite of the insecurity I had felt at that age, I had a full, fun life.

Then I found all of these sports awards I had gotten. And old trophies. And my softball cleats. And my basketball Converse sneakers (which are back in style, I might add)...how do I get rid of all of this stuff? True, it might not be important to me, but it was important to her, the girl I once was, the girl who I suppose is still a part of who I am now.

Part of me wanted to just chuck everything out in the garbage - too much energy to go through all of this stuff. But another part of me felt that I owed myself this process - to reread some of the letters, look through some of the pictures, if at least one last time, to give my past the tribute and time it deserved. I owed it to the girl who felt it was important enough to her to save.

I didn't really come up with a system of what to keep and what to pitch. I know James would have a coronary if I showed up at our house with all this stuff. And honestly, it is too much work to hold on to every single memory and experience, as much as I try. So, I had to keep some and let some go. And, I'm still in the process of deciding. I couldn't decide it all last night.

So, I threw out a bunch of trophies, but kept a few of the meaningful ones. Same thing with awards. Pitched the cleats but kept the Converse (historic memorabilia, I tell myself). I got rid of some of the pictures I had stolen from yearbook, but kept the ones that really made me laugh or smile. I kept the cards that had something written in it that I might want to read again - or maybe my kids or grandkids would like to read some day; I threw out the old love notes, cards and gifts that I had held on to because, 'You never know..." (Well, yeah - now, I know. Good riddance!)

I got rid of folders of notes from my college classes - information I could easily look up on the internet now - but I kept a report card or class schedule or two.

I still may need to rake over all that stuff one last time, but it is getting thinner and it makes me feel like I am making progress.

But it is still kinda hard to let go.

So Long, Insecurity!

I've had enough of this. Seriously. Insecurity. The more I look at myself, the more I hear from other bloggers, the more I witness the behavior of other girls I know - teenagers, my students, adults - I am convinced this is the silent emotional killer of women.

I'm a fairly introspective person, and I am always trying to uncover the roots of my feelings or behavior. "Why am I feeling this way? Why am I doing this?" I've been told that my habit of introspection is sometimes on steroids - and I would agree - but the answers always seem to have their roots in that one, ugly word: insecurity.

Why, as women, are we so freakin' insecure? Is it society? Is it our relationships? Or (this is what I truly suspect) is it something that is just broken inside of us and needs to be fixed?

I always thought that when I reached the 'next' phase - a job worthy of respect, a purposeful ministry, a healthy relationship, then I would feel secure. Happy. Comfortable in my own skin.

But, even with those things, something feels 'off.' Not right. Broken. And again, maybe it is because I am the introspective type, but I get the funny feeling I am not alone.

So, in this phase of the journey, I really want to try to deal with this issue. Ideally, I would like to have it resolved before my wedding, but I don't think that will be the case. I have a feeling this will be a little more involved than just a 6-week crash course. And, I am sure I will have new insecurities to deal with even after I get married.

And here is where you come in. If you would like to join me on this leg, here is my plan. A new book by Beth Moore has crossed my path So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us. On her website, she is hosting a book-reading blog discussion group. Each week, she is going to post an assignment and a question, and then readers will be able to respond and comment.

There are close to 5,000 people who are going to participate on Beth Moore's site , and I know, for me, that discussion is going to be a little overwhelming.I am planning to participate over there, but I am also going to host and post the same assignments and question (and maybe add a few dimensions, depending on what it looks like) over here on a smaller, more personal scale. I may even just include a quote or passage from the book for those who might want to participate but may not want to read the book.

I haven't even gotten the book yet, but I plan to grab a copy once the snow stops! She is posting her first assignment and question tomorrow, Thursday, February 11th. And I believe how it works is that there will be a week to read and comment (just like an online class).

If you are one of the fortunate secure ones, feel free to opt out. However, if you are anything like me and are wanting to get rid of this silent killer once and for all, then I hope you will hop on board. Would you do me a favor and drop me a comment if you plan to join? Then we can work on getting this all set up!

Yay! I'm excited! Soooooo long, Insecurity....you have been a bad friend to us and I am more than ready to see you go!

Silver Lining: Found

As I mentioned in my last post, I was a little down about all the wedding drama going on. In the grand scheme of things, life would go on, but in the moment? I indulged in a little self-pity and let myself sulk a little, knowing things would look better in the morning.

Well, if you are familiar with Long Island weather, we got no snow yesterday. No-thing. This is what I woke up to:

But anyway, I got up and tried not to let it get me down for the day. So, the silver lining. Not just to help me feel better about the shower but just as important as a life skill, I knew I needed to start looking on the bright side. It really was ridiculous to stay upset over it.

So, here is the silver lining:

First of all, James was great. He was totally sympathetic that the shower was an important day for me. We went out for lunch together to an Indian buffet and just spent the rest of the day in our house, on the couch, watching TV and movies. The cancellation provided James with the opportunity to show his extra-sweet side. And that meant alot to me. It also gave me and James some quality time, which I love more than anything.

Next, it showed me the heart of my family. They really wanted my shower to be special, and they didn't want it to be spoiled by a storm and have nobody show up. Their hearts were in the right place, and I am really lucky to have them.

Then, the drama between me and my friend got cleared up (via Facebook), but cleared up all the same. Apparently, it was a misunderstanding, and by the end of the day, things were fine with us and he'll be at the wedding.

My bridesmaid issue is still up in the air, but I feel like we will be able to resolve it.

Finally, I received so much encouragement from blog-friends, which really was amazing too. The sympathy and understanding from 'strangers' was really touching, quite honestly. I shouldn't be, but sometimes I am amazed at the kindness of people, especially strangers. And even from friends, too. They were more sympathetic than I would have been, if the situations were reversed. That was a bittersweet revelation for me - it really showed me how tough I can be on people, in my own mind. If what they are going through is important to them, it should be important to me.

So, there was a silver lining, as I knew there would be.

So what do I take from all of this?

Well,
#1. If at all possible, try not to plan major life events in the winter.
#2. Don't stress over things you can't control.
#3. Just because things don't turn out how you want them to doesn't mean that things still can't be good. It's just a different good.
#4. There is always something good you can take from every situation - i.e. a silver lining.

silver lining n.
A hopeful or comforting prospect in the midst of difficulty

A silver lining, indeed.

The Silver Lining

I am still trying to find it. Yes, it has been one of those days. It started with a bad dream I woke up from early this morning...I had this dream that James and I were fighting, and he just would not talk to me! I kept trying to resolve it, and he would just walk away and ignore me! It was terrible!

When the fog cleared and I realized it was only a dream, I still had this heaviness on my heart. Then I remembered...last night, I had gotten an email from a bridesmaid who wasn't sure if she could be in my wedding anymore. I totally understood the reasons, but I just felt so deflated [It might still work out, but it's just a bummer].

I rolled out of bed, got my cup of coffee, journaled for a little while and then checked my email. Well, in it was a totally unexpected email from a very close friend who was apparently very upset with me about something pertaining to the wedding 'bring a guest' issue.

'You aren't serious, right???' was all I could think. And this wasn't the first time this issue had come up either. Didn't people get it when you are paying for a wedding yourself and you have to cut even close friends and other family members because you can't afford to invite them???

Slowly, my enthusiasm was draining.

And, by around 1pm, I got the bad news: my bridal shower, that was supposed to be tomorrow, was being canceled due to the threat of snow. We are in a precarious stretch of this East Coast storm, where we could get a lot or nothing. But they couldn't risk it - so they postponed it until 2 weeks later.

At that point, I was just done. This was too much for me - too much drama, too much work. Where was all of this experience that people blog about saying how much fun wedding planning is? I keep waiting for it to get fun. It hasn't been. I know that is sad to say, but I don't know if it has been fun yet. I know the end result will be great, but this process hasn't been.

In the grand scheme of things, I know this isn't a huge deal. The bridal shower will happen [and even if it didn't, it's not the end of the world - alot of people have it far worse. I know.] The wedding will happen, and the people who care enough about us will be there. But I just didn't anticipate all this. It's not fun. I keep waiting for it to be fun.

So, trying not to camp out in the land of sulky-poor-me-feel-sorry-for-me, I'm off to find the silver lining. I know it is there. And I know that there have been some alot of good things that have happened through all of this. I know that, for sure. And deep in my heart, I know things will all work out and there are reasons for everything. I know everything will be fine.

But is it OK if I look for it tomorrow? I know I shouldn't camp out here, but I might just lie down and take a nap for a little while. I'll be over this spot by morning and will be ready for some new scenery. And I'm sure the world will look a little brighter by then.

silver lining n.
A hopeful or comforting prospect in the midst of difficulty

Yeah, it's there. It's definitely there. But a little sleep might help me see it better in the morning.

Just Breathe

I actually need to remind myself to do that sometimes. Slow down. Inhale. Now, exhale (sometimes I need to remind myself to do that, too).

It has been a marathon week/weekend. We had midterms last week (for English teachers, it is the week from Satan. Our NYS comprehensive test for juniors is actually a six-hour test. Yes, you heard me right. S.I.X. H.O.U.R.S. Absolutely ridiculous). Anyway, we also closed on our house last week, had to clean out James' apartment and then start moving him into the house.

Phone calls to get the water turned on, the electric turned on, the cable turned on (Optimum-Triple-Play, baby!), the old phone turned off, the oil delivered. Running around to move furniture, shop for furniture, transport furniture...running to the store to get cleaning supplies, extension cords, groceries - and trying to feed ourselves in the process (I am so over take-out!).

Whew! Deep breath - in...out...

Running to church for Christian Education Sunday (I would have been so tempted to skip if not for that! But teachers needed to be there), few more grading of midterms over the weekend, and it was back to work today.

I am s.h.o.t.

The blessings of God to us during this are truly overwhelming - truly - , but you want to know what the sad part is? I keep finding myself saying, "I can't wait until all this is over."

Is that terrible?

This is such an exciting time of my life...really, it is...but it feels overwhelming, exhausting...it feels like a lot. I am trying to savor all of these wonderful things, but I am wondering if I can even keep up. I cross one thing off my mental list, and three others pop up in its place.

So, that's why I need to remind myself to just breathe. In. Out. It is going by so fast, and I don't want to miss it.

Be in the moment. One thing, one step, one breath at a time.

I remember reading a book by John Ortberg [God is Closer Than You Think], and he posed the question (I am paraphrasing and I hope I'm not butchering it):

"What is the greatest moment of your life?"

After such a leading question, he goes on to say that right now, this very moment, is the greatest moment of your life, because it is the only moment you have. That's it. Right now. So, right now is it...it is what I make of it. Will it be great, or will I wish it away? What a waste of a potentially great moment.

So, with all that is up and coming, I am going to try to just breathe. Take each moment as it comes. And try to experience each moment as the greatest moment of my life.

Just breathe. It will be OK. It might even be great.

Movin' Out - Part 3: The Morning After

So, yesterday, we closed on our house [insert excited squeal here]!

For those who missed the previous episode and are interested, you can catch up on part 1 and part 2.

I was a bundle of nervous energy all day, but I not only worked one of my jobs, but both. Everyone asked me 'How can you even work today???' It definitely helped me to stay productive distracted me from being nervous - and, well, if I don't work, I don't buy a house.

Everything went without a hitch. The lawyers were great, the owners were amazing (one of the nicest couples I have ever met...an older couple around 65-70 years old)...and there in the lawyer's office surrounded by a cloud of witnesses, James and I signed our life away for the next 30 years.

We went out for dinner to celebrate (yes, we still actually had a little something in our checking account) and then headed over to our house.

It was surreal as we pulled in, and I said to James, "Hon, this is our driveway... to our house..."

We went into the house, and inside the fridge was a bottle of wine from the owners. There really wasn't anything we could do just yet, but we just wanted to be there. (Well, we had our first hug in our new house :) . So we just parked ourselves on the living room floor and were just quiet for a while.

So many changes, all happening so fast. I am so thankful they are good changes, but changes none the less. I guess that is what I feel most unprepared for: this roller coaster of emotions. I just sort of thought I would float on puffy clouds through this whole wedding-marriage-home-buying process.

As I mentioned in my previous post, there is a bit of a back-story as to why it was so huge for us to get this house:

[I never want to share too much of James' business, so I will do my best to convey the story while respecting the fact that he is not blogging his life on the internet...]

James had something of a 'colorful' childhood as far as where he lived, home life, etc. He has lived in lots of different places, with different people, over the course of his childhood. And as you might guess, that's not really the most advantageous environment for a kid to grow up in. So, 'home' never really had the greatest connotations, if the concept even existed in his mind at all.

Our God is so redemptive and in spite of all the disadvantages he faced, he (with God's help) has made his life something to be proud of. I certainly am, and I know God is, too.

Ok, back to the house...well, the apartment James has lived in for the past 8 years is the longest he has ever lived in one place. And he LOVES the area he rents in (which happens to be a bit pricey). And as one might conjecture, that has become 'home' for him. The idea of leaving a place that a person has grown so attached to is hard, even if it is a good change. So, when we were discussing where we would live, you can imagine some of the inner conflict.

Now when the possibility presented itself to us to buy a house, I so wanted this for James. I wanted us to have a chance to not only have a place where we could settle and not have to move in a year, but one that would be his own home. To me, it just seemed so right and redemptive that, at the start of our marriage, he would be able to begin his new life with something he never had before - something so integral to it.

So, when we found this house, I wanted this so badly for him. It's small and modest (we're OK with that) but most importantly, it would be ours. Not only did it seem like something we would really be happy with, but it was only 2 miles from where he lives now. And liked I mentioned, he loves this area. That is when I really started getting fearful that this wouldn't work out. I would have been more disappointed for him than for me.

In being an honest storyteller, I have to say that James never mentioned that this carried the same importance to him. It might just be my female conjecture, but I'm guessing some similar thoughts may have run through his mind too. But I know that I just wanted him to have the feeling of joy and safety and sanctuary that having a home that is your own to come back to each day brings.

I know, every couple would like to have a home at the start of their marriage. I agree. But for us, I just felt like there was a lot more riding on it; it was a lot more significant. But that's just me.

So when we signed those papers and drove into the driveway of our home, I was in awe of this new reality God had created for us. It all just seemed so providential. And - we found out that for a reasonable yearly fee, we actually have private beach rights to four different beaches! (I tell here how James feels about the beach and what it means to him. And actually, now that I think about it, it is so cool that God is giving us a new beach - and not just Cedar Beach - to be our beach.)

Last night before we left, we prayed together on our living room floor in our empty house and asked God to bless it and make it a home for us- with love and peace, that we would be a light to our neighbors, that this gift from Him to us would be consecrated to Him and used for His purposes.

So, the morning after, we are (still) smiling at His faithfulness.

"The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning ;
Great is Your faithfulness."

~Lamentations 3:22-23

Movin' Out - Part 2

For those just tuning in, you can catch the first part of the story in my last post.

OK, I left off describing how we lost the bid on the first house we were hoping for. Here is where we pick up again:

After about a week of licking our wounds, we started to look again. Armed with our new list, we did the circuit again. By the end of the day, there were two that we were interested in. We made an appointment with our realtor, and it was clear which was the better of the two.

The one we liked had just been updated with new siding, roof, windows, doors, cesspool, fence, and electric. It was a nice-sized flat lot (rare in that area) with the potential to be expanded in any direction - and it had a white picket fence to boot.

Not to be outdone again, we put in an offer right away.

While we were waiting to hear back from the realtors, James and I would say to ourselves, "What are we doing??? Should we even be doing this??? Now??? A wedding and a house???? Are we crazy???" It's funny though, because all of the wise people we ran this crazy scheme by affirmed that it was not so crazy after all. In fact, it was a smart move (Yay! Point for us!).

A few phone calls, a few negotiations, a few stipulations - but they took it. They accepted our offer.

We could hardly believe this was happening for us. Now that we had gone beyond 'just a dream' to a 'real possibility,' my anxiety started to kick in a notch. By this time, I was scared to get my hopes us.

There's a little bit of a back-story as to why this was so important to us that I'll share another time, but just trust me when I say, moving into 'our' house was important to me. We had prayed at every stage of this process and we knew we would be OK if things didn't work out. But the blessing it would be to move into a house that was actually ours would be was huge (and not in the I-need-to-be-living-the-American-dream- kind of way).

But, deep down, I just felt like this was a long-shot (See? My negative thinking!). There were just so many odd-shaped pieces that had to fit together:

The taxes had to fall within a certain amount. {They did.}

The house had to pass inspection. {It did.}

We had to officially get approved for the mortgage. {We did.}

The seller had to agree to the closing concessions. {He did.}

And he had to agree to do the minor repairs. {Yes, that too.}

The house had to be appraised for the right amount. {Mmm- hmmm. You know where this is going...}

I was so afraid we would get to the next stage and the bottom would fall out. But to my surprise, lack of faith, God kept the ground firm beneath us and opened the next door for us to walk through. There were a few unexpected expenses (which actually is to be expected), but amazingly, the money was there each time. Don't ask me how...but it was.

So, yesterday, we did the walk-through, and we are so convinced this was the right house. The owner was amazing and spent over two hours with us, showing us the ropes and letting us pick his brain for how we might do some renovations. We were so excited to plan and dream and imagine our life together in this house.

It all happened so fast - we only started house-shopping in November! But the contract was signed by December 22, and we will be closing tomorrow on January 25. And honestly, the timing is perfect. Any earlier, we would have had to pay the mortgage and my rent for a few months. Any later, the wedding would have been right on top of us.

So, James will start moving in this week, which will give him the weeks between the Jets play-offs and the Super Bowl to get settled in the TV hooked up(and if you knew my James, you would know what a big deal that is!). Then, little by little, I will bring my stuff over and then move myself in after the wedding (Yes, we are waiting until after we are married to live together).

We are prepared for the next few weeks to be a little crazy, but we are totally awe-struck when we sit back and think this over. Who would have thought a social services housing worker and a Christian school teacher on Long Island could have ever afforded to buy a home on Long Island???

It is beyond what we would have thought to ask - but not beyond what God would have thought:

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you," says the Lord,
"thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

~ Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)

Only God could have come up with this. Only God can make those crazy-shaped-pieces-that-don't-fit...fit.

Our new 2 bedroom 'cozy' cottage. Thank you, Jesus!

Oh No You Didn't!

Yes, I did.

As if I didn't need another excuse to procrastinate and be distracted, I have started another blog.

I got the idea from Nicolasa who is hosting Project 365 on her blog - a picture for every day of the year. I had to join. I had to! So, I started another one. Feel free to visit, if you would like, at This Beautiful Mess - or maybe even start your own! You can link up at Nicolasa's blog!

Fear - Be Gone!

OK - New Year's Resolutions. To make them or not to make them?

Some people don't like them, but I do. I don't know why...just maybe the chance to start over and get second shot at what I didn't get right last year.

I can't say I have had a lot of time to give this much thought...but I would like to start this new decade with some kind of goal in mind. So, in giving it just a little thought, one goal I think I do want to consciously work on is my negative thinking.

I tend to be a worrier, and I am really starting to feel the effects of these worries (or if I am honest - these fears) in my life. I've kind of struggled with "stinkin' thinkin'" over the years. Not that you would think I am a pessimist if you met me; I am typically an upbeat person. But inside, I feel like there is this vat of negative thoughts and expectations that just swirl around in there. Sometimes I am aware of it and can get it under control - and sometimes....not.

Maybe because I am such a do-er perfectionist, I feel a bit out of control when I make a situation better force things to turn out how I want. And the results of what I can't control scare me. And it just leads to a messy thought life...which leads to negative emotions...which takes its toll in my physical body. Who wants to live like that?

Take a look at the picture above. I debated using it in my blog because it is so ugly and disturbing. But then I thought...No, that is a great visual for fear. Fear is ugly and disturbing, and that is what it looks like inside of me. And I refuse to have that controlling me. Honestly, I feel tired of being afraid.

I tend to live in the world of 'what if' - which is a scary, dark world. And I need to know, down in my gut, it should be 'so what, if?'

I have God. I will be OK. Everything will be fine.

So, as far as resolutions go, I think this is the one that will effect every other area of my life.

Of course, there are the others...drop a few pounds, be less selfish. I want to grow closer to Jesus and be more faithful to Him. I want to be a good wife to J. I want to be a better teacher, and I want to stop procrastinating and waste less time. I would like to be a better writer and blogger.

But this sums up my goal for this year:


Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.

(The Message - Phil. 4:6-8)

What about you? Do you make resolutions? Keep them? Have any for 2010?

End of an Era and My Quarter-Life-Crisis: Reflections on the Past Decade

I can remember the New Year's Eve of the over-exaggerated 'Y2K.' Actually, that was one of my most favorite New Year's Eves. December 31st also happens to be my birthday, so if it is a great night, all the better. If NYE is a flop, when then, I lose two major events in one night. (Personally, I tend to think NYE is a bit over-rated).

Anyway, on the last day of 1999, I was house-sitting for my sister and we had this big bash at her house. We cleared out some of the rooms so we could dance on her hard-wood floors, friends just kept showing up - with friends of friends and food. By the last few moments of 1999, there were probably about 60 of us gathered around her big screen TV, watching Y2K around the world, waiting for the NYC ball to drop.

I just remember it was such an exciting moment...with so many friends and people around. Then, when the ball dropped, it was just hugging and kissing and toasting and celebrating. After, a bunch of us then decided to drive to Montauk Point (the eastern-most tip of Long Island) to catch the first sunrise of the new millennium.

We got our coffee and blankets and headed out...and to our surprise, hundreds of other people had the same idea! What a great morning. A friend of mine even got quoted in the Newsday article that came out the next day.

So, the new millennium was off to a great start. But not long after that, I hit my 'quarter-life' crisis. And this is how it happened:

When I was starting my senior year of college in 1995, my roommates and I decided to write a time-capsule of where we thought we would be in the year 2000. True to our promise, we met at the Jersey Shore in the summer of 2000 to read them.

It was fun and sentimental...some of the girls were right for a few of their predictions. One of my friends was like 10 for 10, lol.

Me? Way off. I mean, waaaaayyyyyy off. Not that my life was terrible - actually, at 26, it was a lot of fun. But, I suddenly realized that nothing, I mean nothing, had gone like I had thought. And that scared me. It hit me all at once how little control I really had in my own life.

And that sort of set me on this fearful, internal journey of the quarter-life crisis (which is actually a real term). I guess you graduate college with all of these hopes and dreams of how your life will turn out. Anything is possible.

And then, year after year, reality sets in more and the hopes of your dreams becomes just slightly less. Again, not that my life was bad. It was just different. And that was a little hard to deal with.

So, I guess the next decade was dealing with all of that. I mean, there were some wonderful moments along that next ten-year period:

• I became a teacher at S. Christian School.
• I have had some wonderful relationships with my students and co-workers.
  
• My baby sister got married.
• I saw the birth of three new nieces.
  
• I had guardianship of my nephew (who was 15 at the time) for 2 and half years. Some of the best times of my life. Don't know how to express how much I love that kid.
• I traveled to some amazing places on missions trips - Belize, Ukraine, Nigeria, Brazil, Morocco, Nicaragua, Trinidad.
• I got my Master's Degree in Liberal Studies/English/Adolescent Education
• I saw God heal a special friend from cancer.
  
• I have been blessed with some of the greatest friendships in the world and had some great times with Becky, Jen, Ryan, Liz, Kelly, Laura, Liz, Jodi, Rhonda, Steph and many more.
  
• I met J. and got engaged :)
• I am planning a wedding and getting ready to buy a house.
  
• I discovered Jesus in a way I never had before in my life and experienced true joy and healing.

But, there were some hard moments, too:

• I had my first serious break-up that messed me up for a bit of time.
• I struggled with being single into my thirties and all the sadness and hard stuff that comes with it.
• I suffered from more than a few crushed dreams and disappointments in relationships.
• I lost my grandma.
  

But you know, as I think about it, those probably were the worst times. And over the course of a decade, that is not half bad. Actually, it is pretty amazing. When I look at the weight of all the ways I have been blessed, compared to some of the hard things I've gone through, I had definitely made out well and have come out ahead.

My family is alive and well. And so am I. I live in America. I have a job - two, actually. I have an apartment I love and a house that I will be moving into. I found a godly man to marry.

And even though my life isn't what I thought it would be, I guess little by little I am learning to let go and be OK with so. So far, so good.

My devotional verse today was: 'Thus far has the Lord helped us.' (1 Samuel 7:12). And if His past track record is any indication of His future track record, I think I will be just fine.

Happy New Year and here is to all the best in the decade to come!

2009 in Review

Looking back, looking ahead. This actually is a yearly tradition of mine.

In my 'blog-stalking,' I've come across a kindred spirit in Jen from "After the Altar" - fellow Long-Islander and newly-wed (which I will shortly be joining the ranks of).

Anyway, she got the idea from another blogger, Scary Mommy (not quite there yet) of doing the year in review in a blog. I only started this blog in July or August, because that is when I got engaged. However, I started my other blog - the mother blog to this one, One Girl's Journey - October 2008 and posted sporadically; my year-in-review will pull from both.

So let's have at it:

Jan-March: Well, I started blogging in October 2008, was pretty good for the month, but didn't blog again til April 2009. Oops. At that point, James and I went to Fla to visit my grandparents, took the pre-covenant classes at church (before we were engaged), and then my blogging (therapy) began.

April: I guess being in the pre-covenant classes surfaced some 'inner issues', so I sort of began a personal recovery. "Detour on the Journey" sort of explains in a transparent way some of what was going on on the inside (it's a little messy), and "Relationships are Not Linear" was one of my epiphanies along the way.

May-June: -Ummm, took another break from blogging. Guess the therapy was getting too deep, lol. I did go to Morocco on a missions trip and I wish I had blogged about that. Maybe I'll reflect on that in a future date. Se la vie.

July: OK, engagement! And that was when the blog really came to life! Technically, I wrote this blog of our engagement story, in September, complete with pictures, but it tells of when we got engaged in July.

August: One Girl's Journey to the Altar is born! This post "How I Came to Meet the Border's Guy" tells the story of how we met at Border's (honestly, this is like a story from the movies!) and this post tells how God amazingly, Providentially, supernaturally brought us together.

September: I am a teacher, so this post contains some thoughts about getting back to school, "Back in the Saddle." I also had some lessons I was learning about relationships and marriage along the way: "We Marry Because...??" and "Eve's Curse".

October: A month of simple truths. It was great...got me out of psycho-wedding-planning-world and back to some bottom lines, and oh, how I love a bottom line: "Words from a Recovering Perfectionist" and "God is My Treasure."

November: Can't say it is the most interesting post ever, but just some updates on the wedding planning: "Full Steam Ahead".

December: This was probably my most reflective month. The holidays do that to me. I love going over the year (it was a tradition I did for years in my journal), looking back and looking ahead. My birthday is December 31st, also, so I like it that when the calendar flips to a new year, it is also a new birth year for me, too. Keeps things nice and clean. So, before I look ahead, one more stop in December: "Taking A Breather" has helped me recenter myself again and "I Almost Missed It" again reminds me of what is the single most important thing in my life. And oh, how I need to be reminded again.

Happy New Year!

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em: How I Became a Jets Fan

The long and short of it is this: James tricked me.

When we first met, he played it all suave and smooth - like he had all of these diverse interests (which happened to be what I was interested in), loved socializing, didn't mind going here and there - to festivals and plays and bookstores - but all along, he had this secret side he did not let me in on:

James is a sports addict. Oh, and he was good at hiding it. For months, he never let on.

We met in September, and I began to see a little of it in the spring, when Mets season started. [Now, I really like baseball and once upon a time (junior high, that is), I was a die-hard Mets fan, too. I sort of grew out of it a little, but I still really enjoy a good baseball game.] Our lives didn't completely revolve around the Mets schedule, but I began seeing that it was important to him - so, no problem. I could be the Mets-fan-girlfriend.

That was all well and good, but I admit, I was sort of looking forward to the end of baseball season - to when we could get on with our life.

Well, that was, until I realized that football season started in the fall.

You see, when we met in the previous fall, there was NO INDICATION WHATSOEVER that he liked football. So, OK, not too bad- I could deal. Football was only on Sundays and Mondays. I could handle the Jets 1 day of the week.

Well, NFL is only on Sundays and Mondays. College football is another story - Thursday, Friday and ALL DAY Saturday.

So, I found myself patiently waiting until the end of football season...until I realized... hockey season began somewhere in the middle of football season. You guessed it - James loves the NY Islanders. And ice hockey - go figure - doesn't end until JUNE! What the heck?!?!?

Oh, dear...I began to see where this was going. Basketball season starts - I don't know when - late fall, I think? - but then there is NBA, college basketball, March Madness - and that ends just in time for -right again - baseball season.

And, it's not just the Mets. James will watch ANY baseball game. And any football game. And any hockey game...yeah, you get the point.

So, yeah, he tricked me. Never let on that he was obsessed with sports. Until it was too late - I was already in love with him.

Needless to say, this has caused some minor rifts between us at moments. And in his defense, James does not (necessarily) arrange our life around all of these games (Not to say that he wouldn't if he had his way. But still, he gets it. And in fairness, he does have other interests, too).

And at times, I have gotten frustrated because - call me crazy - sometimes I would like to diversify our time together and - leave the house maybe???

But I realized that me resenting sports would not make him like them any less (actually, that reaction typically has the opposite effect). So I decided that my only sanity if I was going to be in a relationship with a guy who loved sports was to learn to love them too.

Thankfully, I do like them, for the most part. I really do enjoy a good game (just not games on end). I could manage most sports (I was even a 3-sport athlete in high school), but my issue was football. I just could never get into it. For whatever reason, it just did not make sense to me...it looked messy, unorganized and just an excuse for guys to smash each other.
Football was only useful to me as an excuse to have a fun Super Bowl party (been to several and have never watched an actual game. Ever.)

But I started asking questions (note to self - don't ask too many questions while he is actually watching the game), and I am starting to get it.

And actually, I am starting to like it. Today, I made a concentrated effort to really try to pay attention and appreciate it...and I enjoyed it. For a while, I even forgot why I was trying to learn the game and actually asked him to please move a little to the left because he was blocking my view of the game.

This has been a good lesson for me. I got convicted a few months ago when I heard Andy Stanley do a teaching on marriage, and he used the verse in Philippians 2 that says something like, 'Each of you should not only look to your own interests, but also the interests of others.' And it hit me that I would never get James to stop watching sports or stop liking sports. That is just who he is. I could either let this make a wedge between us, or, if I were smart, I could get over myself, take an interest in what he is interested in, and let it be a bridge. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

And that is how I became a Jets fan. :)

Where We Come From and Who We Are

Yes, I mean families.

I've always heard, 'What you grow up with feels normal to you, but it doesn't mean that everyone else's family is like that.' Not wrong, just different.

I knew that but I don't think I really knew that. I think, deep down, I really believed that every family was like mine (or that every family should be like mine - or at least wanted to be like mine).

I come from a good size Italian family. It's not huge, but I have 3 sisters with their families, plus a host of aunts and uncles and cousins (not that we see them so much anymore, but in the past, especially when my grandmother was still alive, our holidays involved them much more).

Our holidays were never the serene moments around the dinner...eating on fine china, drinking from crystal glass, with a warm glow of candlelight. No, not our house.

When my family celebrates the holidays, it is typically chaotic. Not in a bad way, just in a ...well...loud way.

Our holidays usually involved a lot of busyness - visiting different aunts and uncles, people popping over unexpectedly, a lot of noise and energy, a lot of food ...sort of a open-house-free-for-all. The more, the merrier. Most years, my parents invited people they knew had no where else to go, so we always had this random assortment of company.

There were usually kids running around, dogs barking, loud talking to compete with the volume of the TV and other conversations, people coming and going. The table wasn't big enough for all of us, so it was usually pushed to one side and we ate buffet style, in different parts of the house. Usually just an informal celebration of sorts. The most formal thing we do is probably just say grace before the meal.

And I thought that was great - and that everyone wanted their holidays to be like that.

This year, I spent Christmas Day (and Thanksgiving as well) with James' family. It was different in a few ways:

First, it was smaller - just us, his parents, his sister, niece, and nephew (and one close family friend for Christmas).

It was quieter...the TV was on, but it was sort of just background. And for a while, it was just on the station that played Christmas music. A very serene atmosphere.

There was more ceremony and formality - First, for both holidays, we all sat around the table together. I can only remember a few holidays that we have done that at my house.

For Thanksgiving, we all shared something that we were thankful for. Then, his mom (which I couldn't help thinking of her as this wise matriarch of the family) went around to each family member (me included) and expressed why she was thankful for that person and just spoke these amazing words of life and encouragement (almost prophetically, it felt like). There were some tears shed, and it was definitely very moving.

For Christmas, instead of gifts, she and Tony (James' stepdad) wrote out these personalized prayers based on Scripture for each one of us, putting our names in the verse, and read them to us. It felt like she was passing on this spiritual legacy to us. (For James, it was Philippians 3:12-16; For me, it was Proverbs 31:10, 29-31). She included a picture of each of us and a Christmas card that she felt portrayed the verse. It was so special.
On the way home, James and I took the scenic route and just listened to Christmas music and took in all the Christmas lights. Then we just sat in his driveway quietly for a moment...sort of soaking in all the changes that will be taking place in the next few months.

It was fun to think about what the holidays will be for us next year. Being married. In our own home. The traditions we will start. Beginning a new branch of each of our family trees.

But it was bittersweet, too. I realized that this Christmas morning was the last time I would wake up in my parents' house and go upstairs and have breakfast with my sister and nephews. The realization hit me that next year, the holidays will be something different than what they have always been in the past. Not just how his family does it, not just how my family does it, but how WE will do it.

I'm sure it will include pieces of both...where we have come from has made us who we are. We bring that with us.

But as we two become one, something brand new will start as well. And we are both very aware of the magnitude of this new chapter we are beginning, the legacy we are creating - that is now in the making - the one we will pass on someday to our families.

I Almost Missed It...

Christmas, that is. Because of all the wedding planning and the impending move, I didn't even bother to put up Christmas decorations. My classroom? It would have remained undecorated if some of the seniors on the "CCC" (Christmas Cheer Committee) hadn't volunteered to do it. I think I went Christmas shopping for the first time on Saturday. December 19th, that is.

But that isn't what I mean. I almost missed Christmas. What it really means.

My students have heard me often enough get on my soapbox about the commercialism of Christmas and the disgust over what our society has made it. It's like we have this month-long extravaganza celebration, with all the decorating, songs, shopping, parties, cantatas - all for what was supposed to be a commemoration of Jesus' birthday - and it is like we have forgotten to invite Him to all the festivities! And in some cases, not even forgotten, but He is not even allowed to come!

Did we forget it is called CHRISTmas for a reason???

But I digress (the soapbox again). I almost missed it. I think this morning is maybe the first time I had a chance to really reflect on why we are celebrating. I got up to do my quiet time and was ready to rush through it because I had to get to Stop N Shop, Costco, Ulta, Dollar Tree, Gap Outlet...

Then I felt this gentle nudge in my soul to just slow down. Stop. Reflect. I was becoming all of the people I get so angry with - the ones who are doing all the celebrating and not keeping the focus on why. Or I should say Who, really.

Jesus.

God's perfect gift to a humanity doomed to bondage. Sin. Evil. Themselves. He came...not just to stay a baby. That was only the start. He came to be a Savior. For a creation He loved dearly and who desperately needed saving. Not just for 'a creation' but for me. I was doomed to bondage. Sin. Evil. Myself. I desperately needed saving.

And He did it. He came. Gave up heaven and shrunk Himself to fit inside human skin. To die a horrific death so I could be free from bondage. Sin. Evil. Myself. To have friendship with God. So I could be a clean, pure daughter in right-standing before her Daddy. Forever.

That is the miracle we should be celebrating. What kind of God does this??? Not on a whim but as a result of an intricately, meticulously designed plan, one invented even before light appeared on the horizon of the universe and the first bite of the apple was taken.

Because He saw me. He saw you. And to Him, we were worth it.

"Long lay the world, in sin and error pining
Til He appeared, and the soul felt its worth..."

"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn..."

Oh, what an amazing day we are celebrating. What an amazing God. He came. "Immanuel." God with us. God with us still.



(Picture and lyric inspiration borrowed from Or So She Says)

Of Expectations...The Dream vs. Reality

The idea of dreams and expectations has come up a few times in the past day or two in some blogs/articles I've come across, and of course, it has gotten me thinking.

I think every girls grows up with some dreams about what her marriage will be like.

For me, getting married was always this elusive, 'out-there' experience that, in the back of my mind, I daydreamed what I thought it would be like. Or, maybe just what I wanted and hoped it would be like. Possibly the product of an overactive imagination or a glutton's diet of romance books and movies as a teen, I think I scripted line by line what I imagined it would be like and just sort of filled in the blanks myself.

How much that was in line with reality, I'm not sure. Actually- I'm pretty sure - not much at all.

I've read a few thoughts on this that have just brought me back down to earth, and honestly, has given me a more realistic look at married life and helped me appreciate what I have - which is a good, honest, loving, honorable man.

Boundless.org has an 'engaged' page with some good articles. There was one entitled 'Managing Expectations' that had some good things to say:

"My dad once told me that learning to manage your expectations of others (and others' expectations of you) is what makes life, well, manageable. I've found, however, that I have expectations about life that don't seem unreasonable; they're just not God's plans....

"None of these expectations were particularly wrong, but they haven't been what God has had in store for me. And, honestly, that's been disappointing for me. I've learned to throw out certain expectations and go with whatever God has in store for me, but I find I still carry certain expectations about life around...

"Managing expectations and dealing with the disappointment of unmet expectations is something I'll spend my whole life doing — in my marriage, with extended family relationships, at work, in church. I pray that I have the courage and faith to follow God's path wherever it leads, especially when things don't work out the way I plan."

Those thoughts helped me. We all have expectations and dreams for our lives. And I don't think they are always wrong - just not necessarily accurate. It comes down to trusting God when those expectations aren't met the way we think they should be. And it has helped me to know that those expectations just may not be part of God's plan for me - nothing more, nothing less. At least for the moment. Letting go of control once again.

I also came across this article at crosswalk.com. This guy (Hudson Russell Davis) wrote about his experience being single and then waiting for God to bring his wife. He finally got married and he had this to say in his article:

"There is a danger in wanting something very badly; it can become, in our minds, more than reality could ever provide. What we want can become pure fantasy in which real people have no place. Our own fantasies and dreams can conjure for us what is impossible to hold in flesh and blood—what is impossible to find in a person. Life punishes such frivolity through disappointment...

"...I am glad that I did not have a list of "expectations" for marriage as it has allowed me to be surprised, pleasantly surprised and excited by "discoveries." I had not scripted for myself the details. I had not visualized how all things would be and so I was not disappointed...

"It is not that we cannot expect certain things but that our list or "expectations" should be short indeed, lest it become a script for failure."

I think there is a lot of wisdom in that. Not just as a girl, but even well into my single adult years, I had visualized relationships and marriage down to such great detail, that in some ways, it was inevitable that I was setting myself up for disappointment. Not to say that James is disappointing, but who can measure up to a fantasy?

This article has helped me renegotiate my expectations. Like Davis says, not that we cannot expect certain things but to keep the list short. In that way, you leave room for surprises. And, I also think, it makes you a lot more appreciative of all the things your partner does and is. Because it is just who he is - not a report-card pronouncing 'pass or fail' of an unrealistic ideal.

The dreams of a little girl transformed into the reality of an adult. I think there is still room for wonder and surprises and dreams becoming reality. We just do not get the luxury of scripting it ourselves. The pen still remains, sometimes much to my frustration, in the hands of a very brilliant Author.

Such is the journey on planet earth...