State of The Our Union: The First 90 Days

This Saturday marked 3 months of marriage marital bliss - the first 90 days. I figured it was a good time to look back and reflect just a little.

Many well-meaning people ask me all the time - 'So how's married life?' I am sure, most of the time, it is the courteous question to ask - very similar to the 'How are you?': polite to ask but they don't really want to know.

And honestly, I don't always want to tell. Again, I know they are well-intended and are assuming it has been marital bliss. But it is funny - because lots of people will tell you that the first year can be the most challenging, but when people ask how married life is, they just expect you to say 'It is so awesome!'

To complicate a very simple question even more, I am the kind of person who hates to answer, 'Fine!' 'Great!' to the 'how are you' question if my ENTIRE life is not fine or great. Most of it might be, but if there is even just one area that is not, I feel I am being dishonest by saying 'fine' or 'great.' That's just me- black and white, all or nothing. Can make life a little difficult. So I feel a little internal obligation to elaborate (not that I always do - I just feel it), even though the question really does just require a 'fine' or 'great.'

Anyway, I digress majorly. So, the 'How's married life?' question. The first 90 days:

In general, it has been great. I love living with James and having someone around to share a house with. Even with the hard stuff, I like my life so much more being married than single. Single life was good but I just prefer this - as do most people who marry; otherwise, they wouldn't marry. Duh.

It is definitely more work - more laundry, food shopping, cleaning, juggling schedules - and I can't really slack off like I would when I lived alone. But I like doing those domestic kinds of things, so I don't mind.

I have learned a lot about James by living with him, even though I feel like there haven't been any huge surprises. More like - he likes to fall asleep with the TV timer on or a CD or tape playing (usually the Bible or a sermon). He hates having the covers over his feet because they need to 'breathe'; he sometimes has a little bit of RLS (restless leg syndrome - real or imagined I'm not sure, but very real in our house) so settling into sleep is usually a production.

He doesn't eat dinner like regular people. Doesn't require dinner, doesn't always like to have it. So, I figured one of us would be cooking dinner every night...it's not as regimented as I thought.

I've learned what particular foods he likes to have in the house: potato or white bread, not wheat; never light mayo or half-and-half; shrimp and cheese-and-crackers are a favorite snack to keep in the house; white albacore tuna in water, not oil.

He likes to keep his toothbrush in the shower, he does not like to sit in the backyard at night with the lights on (doesn't want to disturb the neighbors). He likes the lines in the carpet when he vacuums, and sometimes he will re-vacuum after I do it because I didn't do the lines right.

These have been some of the fun discoveries.

It has been fun to be able to go away together. We didn't live together before we were married and we saved sex for after marriage, so we didn't really travel together while we were dating.

But it has been fun to plan some short weekend trips. We went upstate Memorial Day Weekend to go mountain biking and we are going camping this weekend for the 4th of July. It is so fun to pack and buy supplies and plan all that together (oh yeah - I definitely learned to have the route planned out AHEAD of time...even if he says he knows where he is going. I should know the route too - it is the job of the co-pilot, so I am told!).

Our relationship itself hasn't changed a lot - but in a way, it has - and it is. The commitment is deeper, and the ripple effects of our decisions (and moods and behaviors) are a lot closer now. The reality is sinking in that we are each other's family now and the first loyalty is to each other - not to our former families, former friends, former hobbies...although those are still in our lives. It is just that we didn't make a life-long covenant with any of these people or things, but with each other. We are one now. Everything we do affects the other.

I feel like we are a little clumsy in adjusting to this reality - we are all creatures of habit so it takes getting used to this - but I am sure in time it will be more natural.

Of course, there are always miscommunications - most of the time the disagreements are results of misunderstandings or not communicating clearly. So, I am having to learn better ways to adapt my communication in a way he understands. Men and women are so different so I feel like I am always taking mental notes when I notice something.

I am also learning that change happens slowly. I tend to be a pretty flexible and can adapt fairly quickly; change takes a little more of a "process" (his favorite word) for James. So even the pace of our adjustments is different - and I am sure the male/female traits are a part of that - so I have tried to keep that in mind too.

There have been other issues we have had to deal with that have made the first 90 days a little challenging and not exactly the way I imagined it would be. We are working through it, which is good, but there were times when honestly, I felt a little sad because I would say to myself, "We shouldn't be dealing with this kind of stuff in our first few months of bliss!"

But who is to say that? Everyone is different - every couple and everyone brings different issues and baggage to the table (myself included - and we all have it). Everyone's relationship and timetable looks different.

So I have had to grow up a bit too, and not act like a spoiled girl but a mature wife and support and encouragement to my husband. Which, by the way, is the whole point...not just to have all of my expectations fulfilled. This is life. This is marriage.

And probably the biggest thing I have learned is this: it's all about me.

Before you freak, this is what I mean: It is all about me - me growing and developing into a more mature, Christ-like person, a quality human being. It is all about me in the sense that I am responsible for myself and how I act and how I choose to change and grow - and that I cannot force that on someone else.

I cannot control James or what he does or doesn't do - how he chooses to grow and change - or even if he chooses to grow or change (He does both, by the way, but my point is that I can't force him). I can only control myself. It is up to me to choose how I handle my emotions, my upset, my state of mind, and what I perceive as right or wrong. It is up to me and God to handle my part of the relationship - and it is up to God and James to handle his part. It is not for me to micro-manage him just so I can arrange my life to be exactly what I want it to be.

I could write more about all this - and probably will at some point - but one bit of advice that I was told I would need to incorporate every day (and they were right) is this:

Always keep giving, always keep forgiving. Give and forgive.

And getting that one down has taken me at least the first 90 days.

So, my final thoughts on the first 90 days: Marriage is wonderful and can be all it is cracked up to be - but it is not for the faint of heart.

Thanks, Inspired Dreamer!!!

For giving me the opportunity to be the guest blogger! Today I have the great privilege of being the guest blogger at "Out of the Extraordinary." It's my first time doing this, and I feel really excited about it!

If you've never checked out her blog, please do so! She is a great girl with a lot of awesome insights...seeing the extraordinary in everyday life. It's very cool. I've enjoyed following her blog lately - so check her out!

For the guest blog, I wrote about part of my adventure when I had to get another copy of my birth certificate (For that backstory, see here). It's called 'The Negative Space' - a lesson from high school that came back to me while I was on that little digression. I'm a teacher - so it's all about the lesson for me!

I'll be back here later this week, but for today, feel free to meander over to "Out of the Extraordinary!"

Insecure? Who, Me?

OK -on to So Long Insecurity chapter 2! Thanks for all who commented on the first chapter. [For those just tuning in, see here and here.]

Appreciate your honesty so much - very courageous steps and I applaud that. It's not easy to own up. But I think these are the first steps of overcoming this: admitting it - AND accepting ourselves even with our insecurities, not hating ourselves because of it.

So, the thought chapter 2 opens with is that we all have insecurities - it is a part of being human. But how much do those insecurities limit us or steal our quality of life? And that's the big reason to try to deal with this (besides just how crappy it feels).

Beth gives a specialist's definitions of insecurity [Wow, did I see myself in more than a phrase or two!]:

"a profound sense of self-doubt - a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world...chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about relationships...constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate" (qtd in Moore 17)

A lot of that resonated with me. She makes a few other points that I thought were note-worthy. It really is this complicated mix of self-doubt, self-sabotage, doubting ourselves - and doubting God about ourselves.

One thing she said that is also worth noting is that insecurity can look like self-consciousness and it can look like confidence. Often, perfectionism a cover for insecurity. We think of someone who is self-conscious as willowy, weak, passive. We don't want to be her. We are too proud to be her. But all self-consciousness is is being pre-occupied with self - a constant self-awareness - which really can look like confidence at times, too! So, pride and self-centeredness are indications of insecurity too.

Here is another part she mentions about the whole 'self-consciousness' thing:

"Chronically conscious of self...acute self-awareness and a pre-occupation with self, no matter how it is externalized in life...she is ordinarily more aware of herself than she tends to be of any other person in the room. Whether she feels inferior or superior, she takes a frequent inventory of her place in the space..."

Yeah, I get this...just like an obsessive pre-occupation with self. It's not 100% of the times and it flares up in some environments more than others, but taking a 'frequent inventory of her place in the space'...yeah, that's me.

I want be the girl who is just 'self-forgetful.' She is so absorbed with the moment and the people around her that she is not even aware of herself. That, to me, screams, confidence - and more so because she is not even trying to.

OK, if I haven't overwhelmed you yet, here are some questions she puts out as sort of a self-inventory of insecurity. You may not fit all of them...but a 'yes' to even some could show that there may be an insecurity issue. Which is OK!!! We all have them. But let's be honest and DEAL with it!!!

OK, here are the questions (not an exhaustive list, just a few that she mentions):

1. Do I cry easily?
2. Do I avoid the spotlight in social situations?
3. Do I have a strong desire to make amends whenever I think I have done something wrong?
4. If someone gets angry with me, do I have a hard time not thinking about it?
5. Do I sometimes feel anxious for no apparent reason?
6. Does it hurt my feelings when I learn that someone doesn't like me?
7. Do I fear that my husband might leave me for someone else?

Now, just because you feel some of these things doesn't necessarily earn you the label of 'insecure' (not that we want to be labeling ourselves or others), but her point was how intensely do you feel these things??? And how long have you been feeling this way??? If it's been more than 90 days, then it is chronic.

The final part of this chapter probably nailed me the most accurately. Here is the specialist's definition as quoted by Beth:

"The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships...often unconscious[ly]...creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically...they are usually unaware of how they are unwittingly accomplices in creating their own misery" (23).

And here is her comment that completed resonated:

"We can be so blessed in certain relationships that our unrealistic expectations often seem met, and therefore, reasonable. We can get away with thinking we're secure people because, for a time, we have the important things just like we want them. But then change happens, and suddenly, we are thrown for a severe emotional loop. We realize we weren't secure. We were spoiled."

Ummm, yeah...me in a nutshell.

OK, I have given you enough to think about! Here is the question for chapter 2:

What part of the definition or description of insecurity resonated most with you and why?

I will give my answer in the comment section. I know this is hard. But it is GOOD!!!

Silver Lining: Found

As I mentioned in my last post, I was a little down about all the wedding drama going on. In the grand scheme of things, life would go on, but in the moment? I indulged in a little self-pity and let myself sulk a little, knowing things would look better in the morning.

Well, if you are familiar with Long Island weather, we got no snow yesterday. No-thing. This is what I woke up to:

But anyway, I got up and tried not to let it get me down for the day. So, the silver lining. Not just to help me feel better about the shower but just as important as a life skill, I knew I needed to start looking on the bright side. It really was ridiculous to stay upset over it.

So, here is the silver lining:

First of all, James was great. He was totally sympathetic that the shower was an important day for me. We went out for lunch together to an Indian buffet and just spent the rest of the day in our house, on the couch, watching TV and movies. The cancellation provided James with the opportunity to show his extra-sweet side. And that meant alot to me. It also gave me and James some quality time, which I love more than anything.

Next, it showed me the heart of my family. They really wanted my shower to be special, and they didn't want it to be spoiled by a storm and have nobody show up. Their hearts were in the right place, and I am really lucky to have them.

Then, the drama between me and my friend got cleared up (via Facebook), but cleared up all the same. Apparently, it was a misunderstanding, and by the end of the day, things were fine with us and he'll be at the wedding.

My bridesmaid issue is still up in the air, but I feel like we will be able to resolve it.

Finally, I received so much encouragement from blog-friends, which really was amazing too. The sympathy and understanding from 'strangers' was really touching, quite honestly. I shouldn't be, but sometimes I am amazed at the kindness of people, especially strangers. And even from friends, too. They were more sympathetic than I would have been, if the situations were reversed. That was a bittersweet revelation for me - it really showed me how tough I can be on people, in my own mind. If what they are going through is important to them, it should be important to me.

So, there was a silver lining, as I knew there would be.

So what do I take from all of this?

Well,
#1. If at all possible, try not to plan major life events in the winter.
#2. Don't stress over things you can't control.
#3. Just because things don't turn out how you want them to doesn't mean that things still can't be good. It's just a different good.
#4. There is always something good you can take from every situation - i.e. a silver lining.

silver lining n.
A hopeful or comforting prospect in the midst of difficulty

A silver lining, indeed.

Just Breathe

I actually need to remind myself to do that sometimes. Slow down. Inhale. Now, exhale (sometimes I need to remind myself to do that, too).

It has been a marathon week/weekend. We had midterms last week (for English teachers, it is the week from Satan. Our NYS comprehensive test for juniors is actually a six-hour test. Yes, you heard me right. S.I.X. H.O.U.R.S. Absolutely ridiculous). Anyway, we also closed on our house last week, had to clean out James' apartment and then start moving him into the house.

Phone calls to get the water turned on, the electric turned on, the cable turned on (Optimum-Triple-Play, baby!), the old phone turned off, the oil delivered. Running around to move furniture, shop for furniture, transport furniture...running to the store to get cleaning supplies, extension cords, groceries - and trying to feed ourselves in the process (I am so over take-out!).

Whew! Deep breath - in...out...

Running to church for Christian Education Sunday (I would have been so tempted to skip if not for that! But teachers needed to be there), few more grading of midterms over the weekend, and it was back to work today.

I am s.h.o.t.

The blessings of God to us during this are truly overwhelming - truly - , but you want to know what the sad part is? I keep finding myself saying, "I can't wait until all this is over."

Is that terrible?

This is such an exciting time of my life...really, it is...but it feels overwhelming, exhausting...it feels like a lot. I am trying to savor all of these wonderful things, but I am wondering if I can even keep up. I cross one thing off my mental list, and three others pop up in its place.

So, that's why I need to remind myself to just breathe. In. Out. It is going by so fast, and I don't want to miss it.

Be in the moment. One thing, one step, one breath at a time.

I remember reading a book by John Ortberg [God is Closer Than You Think], and he posed the question (I am paraphrasing and I hope I'm not butchering it):

"What is the greatest moment of your life?"

After such a leading question, he goes on to say that right now, this very moment, is the greatest moment of your life, because it is the only moment you have. That's it. Right now. So, right now is it...it is what I make of it. Will it be great, or will I wish it away? What a waste of a potentially great moment.

So, with all that is up and coming, I am going to try to just breathe. Take each moment as it comes. And try to experience each moment as the greatest moment of my life.

Just breathe. It will be OK. It might even be great.

Growing Up

I wish I could remember the exact conversation that precipitated the thought, but I can tell you exactly where I was when I had it. James and I were driving from his place to our new house (I couldn't help it! I love saying it!) - and we were making arrangements for getting the mail forwarded or calling LIPA (our power company) or some other home-owner related task.

And I said something along the lines of, "I guess we finally have to grow up." He mumbled something like, "No, I think you can grow up..." to which I replied back that we needed two grown-up people in this marriage... And the conversation just got me thinking...

All this home-owner business - all this marriage business - it is the stuff of grown-ups. It's not like I feel like James and I aren't grown up. I'm 36, he is 41, we both have stable careers, pay our bills, having working cars, are not homeless...we aren't immature - we are responsible individuals. But I wonder if not being immature is the same thing as being grown up.

And, I guess that, at any point prior to this, we could still choose not to act like grown ups - and it wouldn't really affect anyone but ourselves.

Not anymore - it's different now. If I choose not to act grown up, it's not just me in my un-grown-up world. You can't live in an un-grown-up world and get to enjoy all the things that only come in a grown up world.

And even though I would say we act grown-up a majority of the time, I guess it is the idea that now we have to grow up. And as much as we maybe have resisted seeing ourselves in that demographic, we have, really and truly, entered the grown-up world.

I've been reflecting on how things will be different. I think the move and the house is what really spurred on this chain of thought...

I rent an apartment from my parents...I have for the past 5 years. Beside my years in college and despite my numerous, unsuccessful attempts to move out, I have lived at this address my whole life. As much as I have wanted my independence and freedom, I can't deny the convenience of just 'running upstairs' if I ran out of milk or just wanted to borrow an egg. Or, if I didn't feel like cooking. Or, if my car started making a weird noise. Or if I needed help hanging my black and white pictures.

That's gonna change. I won't be running to dad when I need something fixed and I won't be asking mom to cook for me when I'm too tired lazy to cook for myself. As much as it might not have always been the most 'mature' action, I could get away with it. No longer.

The house, the move, the marriage...I can't escape it. It is time to grow up.

So, all these things we could 'get away with', if we wanted to....not anymore.

It's exciting to me to think of having our own home and running a household and being in charge of my own little corner of real estate. But it is a little scary, too. I wonder if I am ready to be a 'real' grown-up. With a house. And a mortgage. With no escape clause if I don't like how it is working out (owning a home, I mean - although I don't believe in an escape clause from marriage either. But the home is what I was referring to).

Maybe it is the idea of commitment - commitment is very mature and adult. It is the essence of 'grown-up.' And I think that is good for us. It's not like we don't know about commitment or that we haven't thought about it or haven't commitment to anything before this...but I guess it is more tangible now. More permanent.

Buying a house is a very grown-up step. And so is getting married. I think we are ready for it. [I think.] I think it's time. And honestly, I think we need to do it. Being a 40-year-old 20-year-old is a little unbecoming.

So grown-up world, ready or not, here we come.

THE LANGUAGES OF LOVE

First, a big THANK YOU for all who commented on my last post with their wisdom for resolving conflict! I am so appreciative of that!

What is on my mind today is love languages. Some of you might be familiar with this, based on the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (If you visit his site, you can take a quiz to see what your languages are!).

The basic concept is that there are certain ways we as individuals like to give and receive love. If someone is showing us love in our 'language,' then we get a sense of feeling loved by that person. A person may still love us, but if he is showing love in his language and not our language, we might feel unloved by that person, when in fact, he does love us.

So, the point is to find out which way you and your partner give and receive love, and try to show him love in the way he receives it, not in the way I like to give it. And vice versa - your partner should try to show you love in the way you receive it, not in the way he likes to give it.

Well, the J-man and I had another pre-marital counseling session, and the focus was on love languages. We had taken a love languages test months ago, when we were in our pre-covenant classes (a great 8 week course required for anyone getting married by one of our pastors). We both scored high on 'physical touch' and 'words of affirmation' - so that was good.

But the one difference we had was in 'quality time.' I scored very high on my need for quality time, and he scored much lower. And this makes sense. The J-man values his alone time and often is OK spending time with himself. I, on the other hand, while I need time by myself to regroup, I generally like to be around people and find it stimulating (most of the time!).

Now obviously, the point of a relationship is to relate to another person which can only be done by being with him/her. But I think this was enlightening for both of us. For me, it showed me to not take it personally if the J-man needs to be alone at times. It is just who he is.

On the other hand, the J-man was encouraged to be aware and sensitive to the fact that my needs are different, and that if I am feeling disconnected, then quality time is needed on the double.

And over time, the hope is that it will balance out - he will get used to spending more time together, and I will grow to be more comfortable with time he needs alone.

The give and take of a relationship. The dying to self - that was a point our pastor made. Sometimes, to love someone else, in his or her language, it's not always what is comfortable for us or what we would prefer. But if we love that person, we will get beyond ourselves. And, by doing that, we learn to grow as people. Which, really, is one of the points of marriage.

[p.s. - I just added Gary Chapman's blog to my blog list. They have some great relationship resources and articles! A great find! It's definitely worth a visit!]

2009 in Review

Looking back, looking ahead. This actually is a yearly tradition of mine.

In my 'blog-stalking,' I've come across a kindred spirit in Jen from "After the Altar" - fellow Long-Islander and newly-wed (which I will shortly be joining the ranks of).

Anyway, she got the idea from another blogger, Scary Mommy (not quite there yet) of doing the year in review in a blog. I only started this blog in July or August, because that is when I got engaged. However, I started my other blog - the mother blog to this one, One Girl's Journey - October 2008 and posted sporadically; my year-in-review will pull from both.

So let's have at it:

Jan-March: Well, I started blogging in October 2008, was pretty good for the month, but didn't blog again til April 2009. Oops. At that point, James and I went to Fla to visit my grandparents, took the pre-covenant classes at church (before we were engaged), and then my blogging (therapy) began.

April: I guess being in the pre-covenant classes surfaced some 'inner issues', so I sort of began a personal recovery. "Detour on the Journey" sort of explains in a transparent way some of what was going on on the inside (it's a little messy), and "Relationships are Not Linear" was one of my epiphanies along the way.

May-June: -Ummm, took another break from blogging. Guess the therapy was getting too deep, lol. I did go to Morocco on a missions trip and I wish I had blogged about that. Maybe I'll reflect on that in a future date. Se la vie.

July: OK, engagement! And that was when the blog really came to life! Technically, I wrote this blog of our engagement story, in September, complete with pictures, but it tells of when we got engaged in July.

August: One Girl's Journey to the Altar is born! This post "How I Came to Meet the Border's Guy" tells the story of how we met at Border's (honestly, this is like a story from the movies!) and this post tells how God amazingly, Providentially, supernaturally brought us together.

September: I am a teacher, so this post contains some thoughts about getting back to school, "Back in the Saddle." I also had some lessons I was learning about relationships and marriage along the way: "We Marry Because...??" and "Eve's Curse".

October: A month of simple truths. It was great...got me out of psycho-wedding-planning-world and back to some bottom lines, and oh, how I love a bottom line: "Words from a Recovering Perfectionist" and "God is My Treasure."

November: Can't say it is the most interesting post ever, but just some updates on the wedding planning: "Full Steam Ahead".

December: This was probably my most reflective month. The holidays do that to me. I love going over the year (it was a tradition I did for years in my journal), looking back and looking ahead. My birthday is December 31st, also, so I like it that when the calendar flips to a new year, it is also a new birth year for me, too. Keeps things nice and clean. So, before I look ahead, one more stop in December: "Taking A Breather" has helped me recenter myself again and "I Almost Missed It" again reminds me of what is the single most important thing in my life. And oh, how I need to be reminded again.

Happy New Year!

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em: How I Became a Jets Fan

The long and short of it is this: James tricked me.

When we first met, he played it all suave and smooth - like he had all of these diverse interests (which happened to be what I was interested in), loved socializing, didn't mind going here and there - to festivals and plays and bookstores - but all along, he had this secret side he did not let me in on:

James is a sports addict. Oh, and he was good at hiding it. For months, he never let on.

We met in September, and I began to see a little of it in the spring, when Mets season started. [Now, I really like baseball and once upon a time (junior high, that is), I was a die-hard Mets fan, too. I sort of grew out of it a little, but I still really enjoy a good baseball game.] Our lives didn't completely revolve around the Mets schedule, but I began seeing that it was important to him - so, no problem. I could be the Mets-fan-girlfriend.

That was all well and good, but I admit, I was sort of looking forward to the end of baseball season - to when we could get on with our life.

Well, that was, until I realized that football season started in the fall.

You see, when we met in the previous fall, there was NO INDICATION WHATSOEVER that he liked football. So, OK, not too bad- I could deal. Football was only on Sundays and Mondays. I could handle the Jets 1 day of the week.

Well, NFL is only on Sundays and Mondays. College football is another story - Thursday, Friday and ALL DAY Saturday.

So, I found myself patiently waiting until the end of football season...until I realized... hockey season began somewhere in the middle of football season. You guessed it - James loves the NY Islanders. And ice hockey - go figure - doesn't end until JUNE! What the heck?!?!?

Oh, dear...I began to see where this was going. Basketball season starts - I don't know when - late fall, I think? - but then there is NBA, college basketball, March Madness - and that ends just in time for -right again - baseball season.

And, it's not just the Mets. James will watch ANY baseball game. And any football game. And any hockey game...yeah, you get the point.

So, yeah, he tricked me. Never let on that he was obsessed with sports. Until it was too late - I was already in love with him.

Needless to say, this has caused some minor rifts between us at moments. And in his defense, James does not (necessarily) arrange our life around all of these games (Not to say that he wouldn't if he had his way. But still, he gets it. And in fairness, he does have other interests, too).

And at times, I have gotten frustrated because - call me crazy - sometimes I would like to diversify our time together and - leave the house maybe???

But I realized that me resenting sports would not make him like them any less (actually, that reaction typically has the opposite effect). So I decided that my only sanity if I was going to be in a relationship with a guy who loved sports was to learn to love them too.

Thankfully, I do like them, for the most part. I really do enjoy a good game (just not games on end). I could manage most sports (I was even a 3-sport athlete in high school), but my issue was football. I just could never get into it. For whatever reason, it just did not make sense to me...it looked messy, unorganized and just an excuse for guys to smash each other.
Football was only useful to me as an excuse to have a fun Super Bowl party (been to several and have never watched an actual game. Ever.)

But I started asking questions (note to self - don't ask too many questions while he is actually watching the game), and I am starting to get it.

And actually, I am starting to like it. Today, I made a concentrated effort to really try to pay attention and appreciate it...and I enjoyed it. For a while, I even forgot why I was trying to learn the game and actually asked him to please move a little to the left because he was blocking my view of the game.

This has been a good lesson for me. I got convicted a few months ago when I heard Andy Stanley do a teaching on marriage, and he used the verse in Philippians 2 that says something like, 'Each of you should not only look to your own interests, but also the interests of others.' And it hit me that I would never get James to stop watching sports or stop liking sports. That is just who he is. I could either let this make a wedge between us, or, if I were smart, I could get over myself, take an interest in what he is interested in, and let it be a bridge. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

And that is how I became a Jets fan. :)

Where We Come From and Who We Are

Yes, I mean families.

I've always heard, 'What you grow up with feels normal to you, but it doesn't mean that everyone else's family is like that.' Not wrong, just different.

I knew that but I don't think I really knew that. I think, deep down, I really believed that every family was like mine (or that every family should be like mine - or at least wanted to be like mine).

I come from a good size Italian family. It's not huge, but I have 3 sisters with their families, plus a host of aunts and uncles and cousins (not that we see them so much anymore, but in the past, especially when my grandmother was still alive, our holidays involved them much more).

Our holidays were never the serene moments around the dinner...eating on fine china, drinking from crystal glass, with a warm glow of candlelight. No, not our house.

When my family celebrates the holidays, it is typically chaotic. Not in a bad way, just in a ...well...loud way.

Our holidays usually involved a lot of busyness - visiting different aunts and uncles, people popping over unexpectedly, a lot of noise and energy, a lot of food ...sort of a open-house-free-for-all. The more, the merrier. Most years, my parents invited people they knew had no where else to go, so we always had this random assortment of company.

There were usually kids running around, dogs barking, loud talking to compete with the volume of the TV and other conversations, people coming and going. The table wasn't big enough for all of us, so it was usually pushed to one side and we ate buffet style, in different parts of the house. Usually just an informal celebration of sorts. The most formal thing we do is probably just say grace before the meal.

And I thought that was great - and that everyone wanted their holidays to be like that.

This year, I spent Christmas Day (and Thanksgiving as well) with James' family. It was different in a few ways:

First, it was smaller - just us, his parents, his sister, niece, and nephew (and one close family friend for Christmas).

It was quieter...the TV was on, but it was sort of just background. And for a while, it was just on the station that played Christmas music. A very serene atmosphere.

There was more ceremony and formality - First, for both holidays, we all sat around the table together. I can only remember a few holidays that we have done that at my house.

For Thanksgiving, we all shared something that we were thankful for. Then, his mom (which I couldn't help thinking of her as this wise matriarch of the family) went around to each family member (me included) and expressed why she was thankful for that person and just spoke these amazing words of life and encouragement (almost prophetically, it felt like). There were some tears shed, and it was definitely very moving.

For Christmas, instead of gifts, she and Tony (James' stepdad) wrote out these personalized prayers based on Scripture for each one of us, putting our names in the verse, and read them to us. It felt like she was passing on this spiritual legacy to us. (For James, it was Philippians 3:12-16; For me, it was Proverbs 31:10, 29-31). She included a picture of each of us and a Christmas card that she felt portrayed the verse. It was so special.
On the way home, James and I took the scenic route and just listened to Christmas music and took in all the Christmas lights. Then we just sat in his driveway quietly for a moment...sort of soaking in all the changes that will be taking place in the next few months.

It was fun to think about what the holidays will be for us next year. Being married. In our own home. The traditions we will start. Beginning a new branch of each of our family trees.

But it was bittersweet, too. I realized that this Christmas morning was the last time I would wake up in my parents' house and go upstairs and have breakfast with my sister and nephews. The realization hit me that next year, the holidays will be something different than what they have always been in the past. Not just how his family does it, not just how my family does it, but how WE will do it.

I'm sure it will include pieces of both...where we have come from has made us who we are. We bring that with us.

But as we two become one, something brand new will start as well. And we are both very aware of the magnitude of this new chapter we are beginning, the legacy we are creating - that is now in the making - the one we will pass on someday to our families.

I Almost Missed It...

Christmas, that is. Because of all the wedding planning and the impending move, I didn't even bother to put up Christmas decorations. My classroom? It would have remained undecorated if some of the seniors on the "CCC" (Christmas Cheer Committee) hadn't volunteered to do it. I think I went Christmas shopping for the first time on Saturday. December 19th, that is.

But that isn't what I mean. I almost missed Christmas. What it really means.

My students have heard me often enough get on my soapbox about the commercialism of Christmas and the disgust over what our society has made it. It's like we have this month-long extravaganza celebration, with all the decorating, songs, shopping, parties, cantatas - all for what was supposed to be a commemoration of Jesus' birthday - and it is like we have forgotten to invite Him to all the festivities! And in some cases, not even forgotten, but He is not even allowed to come!

Did we forget it is called CHRISTmas for a reason???

But I digress (the soapbox again). I almost missed it. I think this morning is maybe the first time I had a chance to really reflect on why we are celebrating. I got up to do my quiet time and was ready to rush through it because I had to get to Stop N Shop, Costco, Ulta, Dollar Tree, Gap Outlet...

Then I felt this gentle nudge in my soul to just slow down. Stop. Reflect. I was becoming all of the people I get so angry with - the ones who are doing all the celebrating and not keeping the focus on why. Or I should say Who, really.

Jesus.

God's perfect gift to a humanity doomed to bondage. Sin. Evil. Themselves. He came...not just to stay a baby. That was only the start. He came to be a Savior. For a creation He loved dearly and who desperately needed saving. Not just for 'a creation' but for me. I was doomed to bondage. Sin. Evil. Myself. I desperately needed saving.

And He did it. He came. Gave up heaven and shrunk Himself to fit inside human skin. To die a horrific death so I could be free from bondage. Sin. Evil. Myself. To have friendship with God. So I could be a clean, pure daughter in right-standing before her Daddy. Forever.

That is the miracle we should be celebrating. What kind of God does this??? Not on a whim but as a result of an intricately, meticulously designed plan, one invented even before light appeared on the horizon of the universe and the first bite of the apple was taken.

Because He saw me. He saw you. And to Him, we were worth it.

"Long lay the world, in sin and error pining
Til He appeared, and the soul felt its worth..."

"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn..."

Oh, what an amazing day we are celebrating. What an amazing God. He came. "Immanuel." God with us. God with us still.



(Picture and lyric inspiration borrowed from Or So She Says)

Of Expectations...The Dream vs. Reality

The idea of dreams and expectations has come up a few times in the past day or two in some blogs/articles I've come across, and of course, it has gotten me thinking.

I think every girls grows up with some dreams about what her marriage will be like.

For me, getting married was always this elusive, 'out-there' experience that, in the back of my mind, I daydreamed what I thought it would be like. Or, maybe just what I wanted and hoped it would be like. Possibly the product of an overactive imagination or a glutton's diet of romance books and movies as a teen, I think I scripted line by line what I imagined it would be like and just sort of filled in the blanks myself.

How much that was in line with reality, I'm not sure. Actually- I'm pretty sure - not much at all.

I've read a few thoughts on this that have just brought me back down to earth, and honestly, has given me a more realistic look at married life and helped me appreciate what I have - which is a good, honest, loving, honorable man.

Boundless.org has an 'engaged' page with some good articles. There was one entitled 'Managing Expectations' that had some good things to say:

"My dad once told me that learning to manage your expectations of others (and others' expectations of you) is what makes life, well, manageable. I've found, however, that I have expectations about life that don't seem unreasonable; they're just not God's plans....

"None of these expectations were particularly wrong, but they haven't been what God has had in store for me. And, honestly, that's been disappointing for me. I've learned to throw out certain expectations and go with whatever God has in store for me, but I find I still carry certain expectations about life around...

"Managing expectations and dealing with the disappointment of unmet expectations is something I'll spend my whole life doing — in my marriage, with extended family relationships, at work, in church. I pray that I have the courage and faith to follow God's path wherever it leads, especially when things don't work out the way I plan."

Those thoughts helped me. We all have expectations and dreams for our lives. And I don't think they are always wrong - just not necessarily accurate. It comes down to trusting God when those expectations aren't met the way we think they should be. And it has helped me to know that those expectations just may not be part of God's plan for me - nothing more, nothing less. At least for the moment. Letting go of control once again.

I also came across this article at crosswalk.com. This guy (Hudson Russell Davis) wrote about his experience being single and then waiting for God to bring his wife. He finally got married and he had this to say in his article:

"There is a danger in wanting something very badly; it can become, in our minds, more than reality could ever provide. What we want can become pure fantasy in which real people have no place. Our own fantasies and dreams can conjure for us what is impossible to hold in flesh and blood—what is impossible to find in a person. Life punishes such frivolity through disappointment...

"...I am glad that I did not have a list of "expectations" for marriage as it has allowed me to be surprised, pleasantly surprised and excited by "discoveries." I had not scripted for myself the details. I had not visualized how all things would be and so I was not disappointed...

"It is not that we cannot expect certain things but that our list or "expectations" should be short indeed, lest it become a script for failure."

I think there is a lot of wisdom in that. Not just as a girl, but even well into my single adult years, I had visualized relationships and marriage down to such great detail, that in some ways, it was inevitable that I was setting myself up for disappointment. Not to say that James is disappointing, but who can measure up to a fantasy?

This article has helped me renegotiate my expectations. Like Davis says, not that we cannot expect certain things but to keep the list short. In that way, you leave room for surprises. And, I also think, it makes you a lot more appreciative of all the things your partner does and is. Because it is just who he is - not a report-card pronouncing 'pass or fail' of an unrealistic ideal.

The dreams of a little girl transformed into the reality of an adult. I think there is still room for wonder and surprises and dreams becoming reality. We just do not get the luxury of scripting it ourselves. The pen still remains, sometimes much to my frustration, in the hands of a very brilliant Author.

Such is the journey on planet earth...

Taking a Breather

Stop the insanity!!! I have gotten into the nightly happen of checking on all the blogs I follow - which is a good thing and a bad thing. On the one hand, it helps me decompress a little. On the other hand, it sometimes adds to my stress by seeing all the things I 'should' be doing and 'should' have as a part of my wedding.

Ironically, I came across a post from one of the said blogs - weddingbee - this blog in particular. She discussed how easy it is to get sucked into all the expectations of a perfect day, which can completely suck the joy out of this amazing event. It was interesting - and refreshing to read this on a blog that sometimes contributes to the problem (inadvertently, of course!).

For the moment, I have taken a breather from all the plans - to just touch down to earth again and get out of the parallel universe of wedding planning. It's nice to just think about family and Christmas without worrying about what I should or shouldn't be having, planning, doing, etc.

That is one lesson I learned ( - well, am learning) through this process - and it is really applicable to anything: Stop trying for perfection. It will be good enough. I don't need the perfect dress, the perfect favors, the perfect invites, the perfect hair and make-up (well....if I could have the perfect something, I might put my energy here! Vanity! lol)...it is going to beautiful and beautiful is good enough. It does not have to be 'the best.' It does not have to be 'perfect.' It will be beautiful. Good enough is good enough.

Nothing is perfect and I think God is teaching me this lesson. That being said, I am taking a hiatus from all the planning, and it feels great. Instead of being ultra- stressed, I am choosing to take the chill approach, realizing that it will all come together in the end. Which, actually, is what James said in the beginning. {Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!!}

The Learning Curve

That is what I am finding out about this process - it is a huge learning curve. It's not like you can prepare for being a bride before you actually are a bride. I mean, you can maybe get some ideas, but it's sort of on-the-job training. A one-shot deal.

I tried not to think too much about it before I got engaged- even while I was dating. I don't know, maybe I was superstitious, but I didn't want to jinx myself. I know I didn't want to distract myself with what wasn't reality yet...you know, me being the practical girl, not so much the romantic dreamer, if only due to necessity.

So, like in the dress scenario, I sort of went in there without even having a good idea of what I wanted. I have been looking at dresses since then, and I realized I should have gone in with a better idea of what I wanted. And there it is - the learning curve. What is done is done - David's Bridal is no return/no exchange. And I'm just not up for trying to sell it on Ebay and going through the whole process of finding another dress.

I had a little bit of a meltdown a few weeks ago about the money. I am trying so hard to be economical, but on Long Island, it is just so hard. You just can't do the cake and punch thing here (much to James' disappointment). And everything is so expensive! Even when you are trying to do it cheap. So, it's not just trying to find quality vendors, it's trying to find quality vendors in your budget!

And then, is it OK to go a little over budget, because it feels impossible just to cut those corners? Is the stress worth saving that little bit? Or, should you try to do without those things because it is only a one-day event?

I'm sure there are better ways of doing things, but by the time I figure it out, the planning will be over and done. I'm doing a lot of reading and research, but I still feel a little unprepared to handle every scenario that comes up. And seriously, if I let it, planning this event could become a full-time job. I guess that is where a wedding planner would have been handy - just someone who knows how to do all this stuff. But then, it is back to the budget issue.

I really don't think I am a bridezilla...but it is a significant day. I'm letting go of perfection, but at the same time, I'm not just planning a Saturday afternoon BBQ either. James and I will be a making a covenant. Before God. That's a big deal. And it should be celebrated. With fanfare. It should be one of the biggest and best celebrations I ever have in my life.

Not that I am one to give bride advice, but here are a few lessons I've learned:

1. Stick to your guns - especially when it comes to family advice, especially if you are the one paying. You should feel good about your choices.

2. It is good to bring an older and a younger set of eyes when you try on dresses.

3. Try to think through, as much as you can, what you would really like in a dress, what feels like 'you' - style, material, train length. Even if you don't get your ideal dress, you still can probably find something close to it. And then if you veer from that, at least it is a conscious choice to. (In retrospect, I should have gone to dress shops, tried on dresses and seen what I liked, and then checked the internet to order it more cheaply. Grrrr!)

4. It is OK to cut corners on things that aren't a big deal. For me, the invites, favors, bridesmaid dresses, centerpieces are less of a big deal to me than reception location, ceremony program, dress and photographer. Decide which are priorities and put your money there.

5. You can find out a lot via email and internet. Lots of research and price quotes can be done online. It saves a lot of time in phone calls. For LI, liweddings.com has been pretty helpful for vendors. And theknot.com and brides.com are good for pictures and ideas.

6. Word of mouth is good. Ask people you know who have been married recently who they used and who they would recommend and who gave them deals.

7. Trust God. That has been a lesson for me, too. I didn't think God would approve of me spending this kind of money for a wedding (and believe me, for NY standards, I am definitely the conservative, budget-bride), but I'm realizing that He is a part of our day, too. He cares about this - He brought us together. And it is a big deal. And He will provide, even for this. Not that it is license to spend extravagantly, but, as always, He has my back.

8. Try to have fun and not stress out. Don't let 'the perfect wedding' be your standard. That is maddening. Accept what you have to accept, imperfections and all. And by the way, my dress came in, I tried it on, and I like it now. If I had more time, I think I would have ended up with this dress - or something close to it. Which brings me to my final bit of advice:

9. It all works out in the end.

Eve's Curse

Oh, what a cursed gender are we!!! Why, Eve, why?!?

We all know how Eve ate the apple and spoke for all of us when she said goodbye to the perfect existence (Thanks, Eve). But the longer I'm in a relationship, the more I see how her curse affects us.

The part I always remembered about her curse was the 'pain in childbirth' part. While I'm not minimizing the significance of that (shout out to all you mothers...especially those of you who opted not to use drugs for the delivery - whoa! Amazing!), that pain is temporary. While excruciating (so I'm told), it's over and done.

I'm thinking of the part of her curse that we keep on having to deal with: "Your desire will be toward your husband, but he will rule over you" (Genesis 3:16 - The Complete Jewish Bible).

One commentary I read put it this way: "She was doomed as a wife and mother to suffer pain of body and distress of mind. From being the help meet of man and the partner of his affections [Genesis 2:18,23], her condition would henceforth be that of humble subjection."

And I can tell you that so keenly do I feel the effects of this. The desire for the man - for his love and affection...the power struggles...the desire to control...sometimes it feels like desire out of control.

We were made to be his helper, his partner. But now, it doesn't work that way so cleanly. And possibly, maybe our desire for him (and I think that includes our desire to control him) - has a dark root. It almost like it's just the nature of the beast of relationships in the same way pain is part of childbirth. This part of our nature is part of relationships now.

The Hebrew root of that word 'desire' likens it to a beast devouring, an overflowing, an abundance, a stretching out. It's the same word that is used in Genesis 4:7, when God tells Cain that "sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." That's a little scary. So, it sort of begs the question...is this intense longing we feel for the men in our lives the way it was meant to be - or the result of a curse? Yeah, sometimes it does feel like a curse. I think because we fear- and I think we know - they will never - no, can never - be enough. And we want them to be. So we try to control them to make them be.

I'm not saying that I think desire is evil or abnormal. But I can't get away from the fact that, according to Scripture, this desire is part of the curse. I think something that was supposed to be balanced and beautiful has somewhere gone wrong.

And I think about alot of the struggles in relationships...is it coming out of this internal wrestling of not wanting him to rule - over me? Over himself? Maybe I want to be in control...of me...of him...of everything... I don't like having someone ruling over me. I am just learning to be OK with God ruling over me, but it is difficult when it is another human being...who isn't doing everything the way I want him to. Especially when in my eyes, I think I've done just fine ruling over myself (humanly speaking, that is).

So this is the part of relationships I've been mulling over. There are no intense power struggles going on between me and James (at the moment, lol)...but the temptation is always there. And I'm realizing - when I boil it down to its simplest terms - that my frustration comes because James is just simply not doing what I want him to do. There it is again - CONTROL. But life would just be so much easier if he did things my way (translation: if he let me control him)! Why can't he see that?!?

It has mostly come up in the wedding planning (or lack thereof). I've had to walk very softly when it has come to this area. And it is a fine line between being sensitive and tactful and being manipulative and controlling. I can hear the crunch of the apple in my ear even as I attempt to justify my actions by calling it 'finesse.'

But what I think both of us are learning (by trial and error, more or less)...that things work best when God is in control. And I have to realize that, curse or not, it is not God's will for me to be in control of the relationship. For as much as I am learning to be subject to James, I can find peace because I know he is subject to God.

I can see the beauty of God's plans and purposes even in this. And God can even redeem a curse.

We Marry Because...???

For better or for worse, I'm a deep thinker (it's usually worse). One of the biggest struggles I've faced in being in a relationship is trying to sift out fairy-tale fantasy from realistic expectations. Like I blogged earlier, apparently I have been very influenced by all the movies I've seen and books I've read. I really thought I was smarter than that, but on a subconscious level, it must have somehow shaped my mental picture of what a relationship should be like.

So, whenever we'd hit a bump in the relationship, I'd find myself asking, "Is this what it's supposed to be like???" I guess that somehow I thought that the "right relationship" equaled "perfect relationship." And in my very annoying, over-analytical way, my mind would set to work on trying to come to a bottom line about this.

I'm one of those people who can't see the forest for the trees. I look at the details so much that I can't see the big picture. So, in obsessing over every detail, I just couldn't get a clear picture in my head of what a normal and healthy relationship looks like, forget trying to figure out if our relationship was normal and healthy. Then I would over-analyze my own thoughts and feelings so that everything just would become fragmented. I would just lose an objective sense of the whole.

So my mind started asking all of those deep, philosophical questions like, "What is the point of getting married? Why do we get married in the first place? What is GOD'S plan for two people being married?" Because, honestly, that last question is really what counts. He instituted marriage. It is His idea - so then, it's not really even about my thoughts or feelings. (I'm not saying feelings aren't part of the picture, but we all know they come and go. So I knew that it had to be about more than just feeling 'in love' 24/7).

I came across an article (really a Q and A), but there was a section that just sort of clicked for me:

"We can't answer your question until we understand something critical about marriage as God intends. For all of its "practical" benefits — sexual pleasure, happiness and health, etc. — marriage, and intercourse, is not first about that.

"I cannot emphasize this enough. If marriage is ultimately and primarily for me and my needs, or her and her needs, if it is primarily about us, about self, then I will always struggle with disappointment, because there is never enough for me. Never.

"I use the words primarily and ultimately purposely here. Clearly, biblical marriage benefits me, and as such it is a great gift to me, but it is not first and foremost about me (or my spouse).

"Paul teaches in Ephesians that the mystery of marriage is this: It is primarily and ultimately about Christ and the Church; it is a living, breathing human parable on display to the whole world about the relationship between Jesus and His Bride.

"Christ gave everything of Himself for the Church. We are to give ourselves completely to Him. "Greater love has no one than this," He said, "that someone lay down his life for his friends." The throbbing heartbeat of the cross of Christ is a complete emptying of one for another, the complete giving of oneself for the good of the other. It is in losing our lives that we find life...

"A final thought. To give oneself away to another person in such a way as I've described here requires great trust in the One who brought you together with this other person. Does He know what He is doing? Do we trust that He can heal when we stick our heart out there to another human and get hurt (because even in a growing Christian marriage, both husband and wife will experience hurt)?

"Do I believe that God is big enough to catch me when the other person doesn't? Only in completely abandoning ourselves to Him first can we give ourselves in this way to another. And giving ourselves away to another, especially in sexual intimacy, is a beautiful way for us to express our trust in Him."

I've come back to that thought several times - a living, breathing human parable about the relationship between Jesus and His bride...complete emptying of one for another...complete giving of oneself for the good of the other...

That is hard. And scary. And like the article said, even in a Christian marriage, it's about putting yourself out there to love and knowing that hurt is unavoidable. But trusting God to catch you even when your spouse doesn't. That's heavy. Love and pain. Two sides of the same coin. Impossible to love without the potential of pain. Try to think of an exception to that. I haven't found one yet. So in loving, there's risk, there's pain. It's not all pain, but it's part of the deal. But somehow it helps me to know ahead of time that's what I'm signing up for. And you know what? Even knowing that, I'm still in.

The purpose of marriage - the choice to love someone else in the same way Jesus has loved me. I gotta let that sink in for a while...

Goodbyes - And Hellos - at Cedar Beach

This weekend, James and I spent a good amount of our time at Cedar Beach. If you know Long Island, the South Shore beaches are on the ocean, the North Shore beaches are on the Long Island Sound. South Shore has waves, wind, and that 'beachy' feel (typically crowded, too). North Shore has rocks instead of sand (mostly), no real waves - unless a boat is zipping by - but it does have serenity.

James has lived on the North Shore for many years, and if his time is added up, he probably has spent the equivalent of months of his life on this beach. For him, it is an oasis from the traffic, the rush, the chaos of L. I. He finds peace and solititude and a time to be alone with his thoughts. Time to just 'be.' (One of his most frequently-heard phrases - "Can't we just 'be'???"). There are crowded pockets (mostly near the restrooms), but mostly, solitude can easily be found if you want it.

This place has always had significant meaning for him. Before we met, like I said, this was a place he would go to just find peace and escape the madness of the world. He also spent a lot of time there when marriage was not even a blip on his radar - many years of hanging out with the guys and his friends. In some ways, Cedar Beach was a tangible symbol of his single life. It was his beach.

I actually spent some time at Cedar Beach before we met as well. My friend Liz lived in a cottage not far from there and we would go there, too. We'd sport the bikinis under our church clothes and pack the sand chairs in the back of the car. So, I have some fun memories of single life there as well. Not to the extent that James has, but I associate Cedar Beach with Liz and her cottage - and that is always an association of fun, carefree single days.

Cedar Beach actually plays a role in how we met. On the Friday night of Labor Day Weekend, 2007, James was home and spent some time in prayer about some things. The next day, his friend Rob (the one from the first blog) showed up at Cedar Beach with his girlfriend. James recognized immediately that there was something providential in his showing up there - a direct link to the prayers he had prayed the night before. It was so uncommon and out of the blue - Rob just should not have been there that day. Anyway, he ended hanging out with Rob and Angela that evening, and the next day, Rob invited James to come to church that Sunday - which was the Sunday we met (also detailed in the first blog).

So, what led us together actually had its beginnings at Cedar Beach. Since then, James and I have spent some special time there together. Typically, on a nice weekend, that is where we will find ourselves, often from morning til sunset - and sometimes even later than that. Sometimes, we'd even just leave our blankets and chairs there overnight and find them there the next day, still in the same spot, totally undisturbed. Or sometimes, we'd go down there for a walk on the beach, the pier, or the nature path - sometimes all three.

It has been a transition for him, incorporating me into a place that has been so significant to him in his single life (For James, it is all about the 'process' lol). He has realized that this is the last summer he would be at Cedar Beach as a single guy. Although I've been there with him many times and it has been great, for years this was his place. In some ways, that is bittersweet for him.

So, on this anniversary weekend for us - it was two years ago on Labor Day weekend we met - it seemed fitting and right that we spend some time at Cedar Beach. We didn't plan it - it just sort of 'evolved' (another one of James' favorite phrases: "Let's see how it evolves," lol).

It was a weekend of goodbyes - to the single life being left behind. It was a weekend of celebrating - the providential moments and meetings that brought us together. And it was a weekend of hellos- realizing that the next time we spend the day at Cedar Beach, it will be a brand new experience for us - as husband and wife. And that's exciting, too.

Cedar Beach represents a tangible lesson I'm learning since we have been engaged: it is a series of goodbyes and hellos. We are both a little older (he's 41 and I'm 35), and we have both been single a long time. Although we are super-excited for our new life together, it's a little daunting - and bittersweet - to say goodbye to a familiar, comfortable life you've always known. A life that did have measures of happiness, too.

It's goodbye to complete freedom, independence, self-indulgence - but also goodbye to loneliness, isolation, and alienation, too. It's hello to partnership, oneness, intimacy- but also hello to sacrifice, selflessness and interdependence.
I guess like any change, you have to let go of one thing to embrace another - and both the positives and the seemingly negatives. I have to say, though, I think we both gain more than we lose.

I think Cedar Beach is the link between worlds - between single life and our life together, between his world and my world. I think Cedar Beach has been significant in all of those worlds. It seems that all of our worlds have converged right on that beach.

Goodbye, Cedar Beach. For now. Mr. and Mrs. L. will see you next summer.