Insecure? Who, Me?

OK -on to So Long Insecurity chapter 2! Thanks for all who commented on the first chapter. [For those just tuning in, see here and here.]

Appreciate your honesty so much - very courageous steps and I applaud that. It's not easy to own up. But I think these are the first steps of overcoming this: admitting it - AND accepting ourselves even with our insecurities, not hating ourselves because of it.

So, the thought chapter 2 opens with is that we all have insecurities - it is a part of being human. But how much do those insecurities limit us or steal our quality of life? And that's the big reason to try to deal with this (besides just how crappy it feels).

Beth gives a specialist's definitions of insecurity [Wow, did I see myself in more than a phrase or two!]:

"a profound sense of self-doubt - a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world...chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about relationships...constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate" (qtd in Moore 17)

A lot of that resonated with me. She makes a few other points that I thought were note-worthy. It really is this complicated mix of self-doubt, self-sabotage, doubting ourselves - and doubting God about ourselves.

One thing she said that is also worth noting is that insecurity can look like self-consciousness and it can look like confidence. Often, perfectionism a cover for insecurity. We think of someone who is self-conscious as willowy, weak, passive. We don't want to be her. We are too proud to be her. But all self-consciousness is is being pre-occupied with self - a constant self-awareness - which really can look like confidence at times, too! So, pride and self-centeredness are indications of insecurity too.

Here is another part she mentions about the whole 'self-consciousness' thing:

"Chronically conscious of self...acute self-awareness and a pre-occupation with self, no matter how it is externalized in life...she is ordinarily more aware of herself than she tends to be of any other person in the room. Whether she feels inferior or superior, she takes a frequent inventory of her place in the space..."

Yeah, I get this...just like an obsessive pre-occupation with self. It's not 100% of the times and it flares up in some environments more than others, but taking a 'frequent inventory of her place in the space'...yeah, that's me.

I want be the girl who is just 'self-forgetful.' She is so absorbed with the moment and the people around her that she is not even aware of herself. That, to me, screams, confidence - and more so because she is not even trying to.

OK, if I haven't overwhelmed you yet, here are some questions she puts out as sort of a self-inventory of insecurity. You may not fit all of them...but a 'yes' to even some could show that there may be an insecurity issue. Which is OK!!! We all have them. But let's be honest and DEAL with it!!!

OK, here are the questions (not an exhaustive list, just a few that she mentions):

1. Do I cry easily?
2. Do I avoid the spotlight in social situations?
3. Do I have a strong desire to make amends whenever I think I have done something wrong?
4. If someone gets angry with me, do I have a hard time not thinking about it?
5. Do I sometimes feel anxious for no apparent reason?
6. Does it hurt my feelings when I learn that someone doesn't like me?
7. Do I fear that my husband might leave me for someone else?

Now, just because you feel some of these things doesn't necessarily earn you the label of 'insecure' (not that we want to be labeling ourselves or others), but her point was how intensely do you feel these things??? And how long have you been feeling this way??? If it's been more than 90 days, then it is chronic.

The final part of this chapter probably nailed me the most accurately. Here is the specialist's definition as quoted by Beth:

"The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships...often unconscious[ly]...creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically...they are usually unaware of how they are unwittingly accomplices in creating their own misery" (23).

And here is her comment that completed resonated:

"We can be so blessed in certain relationships that our unrealistic expectations often seem met, and therefore, reasonable. We can get away with thinking we're secure people because, for a time, we have the important things just like we want them. But then change happens, and suddenly, we are thrown for a severe emotional loop. We realize we weren't secure. We were spoiled."

Ummm, yeah...me in a nutshell.

OK, I have given you enough to think about! Here is the question for chapter 2:

What part of the definition or description of insecurity resonated most with you and why?

I will give my answer in the comment section. I know this is hard. But it is GOOD!!!

Men Are Not the Problem

Nailed. Completely. I started reading the 2 chapters of So Long Insecurity, and it was painful but compelling at the same time. So much of her reflections could have come from my journal over the past months...insecurity just seems to be a root of so much. Grrrr...

On her site, Beth combines two chapters into one. I think I may split them, just because there is so much there and a few of you may not read the book but are along for the ride (and you are totally welcome to do so!) - so I'd like to include some excerpts without making each post a novel.

Her first point in chapter one is that really, insecurity is a CHRONIC problem among women. It is more the rule than the exception. It expresses itself different for all of us, but most of us can trace our symptoms of a particular issue in our lives to the root cause of insecurity.

She really begins by saying that we, as women -part because of our culture and part because we are a little 'broken' inside - look for our validation from men. Biblically, men should be validating us, true. But here is the questions she posed that I thought was thought-provoking:

"What if no one tells us that? Can we still find a way to be okay? Or what if he says it because he's supposed to, but to be honest, he's not feeling it? Are we hopeless? What if a man is not captivated by us? What if he doesn't think we are particularly beautiful? Or, understandably, maybe just not every day? Are we only secure on his 'on' days?....Or what if you're single and there's not a man on the horizon you want to take home to Daddy? Honestly, is there no validation for our womanhood apart from a man? (5)"

She then goes on to say:

"Men are not our problem; it's what we are trying to get from them that messes us up. Nothing is more baffling than our attempt to derive our womanhood from our men. We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable. Beautiful. Desirable. Worthy of notice. Viable. We try to read their expressions and moods in order to determine whether it's time to act smart or hard to get or play dumb and needy [Oh, man! Guilty as charged!
] ....we're attempting to get our security from a gender that doesn't really have much to spare. Our culture is just as merciless on men as it is on women. Their insecurities take different shapes, but make no mistake: they've got them. You know it. I know it. ...Let's face it. Men want us to get a grip anyway. They don't like the pressure of being in charge of our sense of value. It's too much for them (7-8)"

This really made me think. Yeah, I do this. A lot. I try to act more secure, but as much as I try to suppress my insecurity, it squeezes itself out in some shape or form. It won't be denied; it just has to be conquered. And it made me ask, "Why does it matter so much what he thinks???" I'm not saying it shouldn't matter at all, but why so much????

The part that really made me think was how she used the analogy of using a guy as a mirror to see if we are valuable. It's like his view of us is, for us, the real picture of who we are. Why does what he think of us get to be the deciding factor of the truth of our value and worth and beauty?

His opinion is the bottom-line, absolute truth of who we are??? I'm not saying we shouldn't strive to be our best for the men in our live, but we are giving them a lot of power in that their opinion of us becomes absolute truth and the final verdict of who we are. That is kind of scary. But I do it all the time. And it begs the question: Did I just make him God in my life??? Whoa....that is really scary...but I think I do it all the time...

So, that thought has been resonating all weekend with me. Every time I feel that surge of insecurity start to rear its head, I start thinking to myself: "So this person's opinion of me is now the truth of who I am?" And it has helped to remind myself that it is, really and truly, only God's opinion of me that is the truth of who I am.

OK, so hopefully you found something thought-provoking in our start! The question Beth posed for chapter one is this:


Chapter One: When was the last time you came face-to-face with our gender’s massive struggle with insecurity? Describe the setting.

Feel free to answer in the comments below, comment on your thoughts, the reading - or not comment at all! :)