The Favor Debacle

I had mentioned in a previous post the issues I had had with the favors. I had gone back and forth if I really wanted to do them or not. James and I are more on the missionary-strain, so I was leaning initially to just doing a donation in leiu of favors.

But, the more aesthetic side of me won out and there was something I really liked about having something pretty and theme-oriented left on the tables. So, I decided to go with favors. And, really, I did want to thank my guests in some small way for coming.

That being said, I didn't want a favor that was useless or could be eaten or thrown away. After much thought, I decided on bookmarks. James and I had our first 'meeting' at Border's Bookstore while we were both there checking out CS Lewis books. We didn't meet actually that day, but a year later. Randomly. But we both vividly remember the encounter and truly believe God brought us together at the right time (for the full story, see here).

So, I thought bookmarks were perfect. Useful. Not overly feminine. Related to our story.

Trying to find a suitable bookmark was tougher. They either looked cheap or very girly. But then I found the perfect one:

I loved it for a few reasons. Number one - it didn't look cheap. Number two - it had a great folder we could personalize and have printed in our color. Number three - it wasn't too girly for the guys. And number four, I had already decided that I wanted crystal trees for some for the centerpieces, so I thought this was a great tie in.

Well, after all my agonizing indecisiveness, I took the plunged and ordered them only to find they were back-ordered EVERYWHERE. Until April 29.

I was so bummed. It had taken me so long to come up with that idea...now where to start all over again? I tried to go the tree route for bookmarks again, but most of them were fall-themed.

So, I tried my luck at Etsy.com, where artist sell their hand-made items. I hunted and hunted - and hunted - hours of previewing merchandise - and contacted a few vendors to see who could custom make 140 bookmarks. In 3 weeks. With a custom tree theme. And a Scripture verse. For about the same price.

I met a ton of great vendors but I landed on one who worked SO HARD for me - Allison from Allison Paper Crafts. She responded immediately and almost instantaneously, she was shooting me over samples, working within my price-range, adjusting the look to exactly what I was asking. She was amazing. And, I contacted her probably last Thursday or Friday and the bookmarks shipped this morning. She was outstanding. And it cost me less than the tree bookmarks originally would have. So, this is the finished product:

With a small spot for our initials and date on the back:

All in all, the favor debacle ended up being a really.good.thing.

Little Bits of Life...Together

I did get James to take me out to dinner last night :)

We both just needed a break from Wedding World. We took a walk through our new neighborhood, since it was such a nice day. It is a cute little town - emphasis on 'little' - just a deli, pizza place, diner, thrift store, Chinese take-out, post office, luncheonette...but it's enough. We went into the thrift store and talked to the owner for a while - he gave us the run down on the town and community. It just had that small-town fee, which isn't common on L.I. It was great, though...the cliffs that overlook the Long Island Sound are actually within walking distance.

Then we tried a new local restaurant - we are HUGE fans of the Entertainment Book! We've found so many great places in there...and we go out to eat WAY more than we would without it. This Italian restaurant was great...felt like a quiet, quaint Tuscan hide-away. Food was delicious. They even gave us the discount without punching our Entertainment card, so we would come back again. Such a good peaceful, relaxing night...

Today we didn't really re-enter WW, so to speak, but we were reminded of it. Often. But in a good way. In church, lots of people were coming up to us, asking when the big day was. James was quick to answer, 'Two weeks and five days,' with a boyish smile on his face. And it felt great to see people's genuine enthusiasm for us.

Then we finally decided on our mattress today...Bob's Furniture is amazing!!! They even have a cafe there where they give out FREE coffee, ice cream, cookies, lemonade, iced tea while you shop. Excellent customer service and excellent deals!

We opted for a mattress a little more expensive , but it actually comes in a his side/her side. I like plush, he likes firm...Neither of us were willing to give up 20 years of sleep (it comes with a 20 year guarantee) so we splurged on the his side/her side. I think it was a smart idea.

As a bonus, we treated ourselves to one of those electric fire places. The sales guy - Arnie (such a doll! Took so much time with us!) - told us that it costs 3 cents an hour for the heat, and it throws off ALOT of heat. So, James convinced me it would be economical to get it...it would add only an extra $10 to our electric bill a month - and would cut down the oil majorly!

A fun trip to Costco afterward - our first excursion shopping there together. That was successful, too. We just had a good time grocery shopping and picking up a few things for the house. And I think we were a good team. It just felt fun.

So, it was just a little bit of doing life together today...nothing overly exciting, but it just felt all 'new' to me...and it felt really good. These are the little things of being part of a couple that I have so looked forward for years. And it was nice to be actually living it a little today. It was overly romantic or it didn't have this dramatic background music. It was all 'normal' stuff...but it felt special to me.

We had a few conversations pertaining to the wedding, but I think we are passed stressing over it. It will be what it is and it will be wonderful. And by the end of the day, we will be married. So, it's all good.

Two weeks and five days...

Last Saturday Morning to Myself

I have had a terrible time sleeping the past few weeks. I keep waking myself up early (as in, I just can't sleep, not that I set my alarm clock to get myself up) because I am constantly running through all I have to do.

Today I woke up at 6. Then 7. And I forced myself to stay in bed til 8. I was amazed when the clock showed 9:20 (which is really 9:03...it's 15 minutes fast - 0r supposed to be - I mess up the time every once in a while when I set my alarm, adding a minute here or there). That little bit of extra sleep helped slow me down. I am a bit more calm and relaxed today - the first time in a while. Not rushing out for an appointment or frantically making phone calls or packing up my apartment. A lot of that still needs to be done, but I don't feel the urgency of it today. Thankfully.

And I realized this is the last pre-wedding Saturday morning to myself. Next weekend, I have a hair highlighting appointment and then our food tasting after that. The weekend after that is our rehearsal - we are having a morning rehearsal and brunch to follow. The weekend after that, I will be waking up in our hotel room, the morning after my wedding.

It's kind of a weird feeling...all of these lasts. Stuff I sort of took for granted...going upstairs to grub a dinner from my parents, having my nephew who lives upstairs come downstairs to watch The Office with me, having my parents puppies peak their faces through the staircase railing to say goodbye as I walk downstairs...

This has been life for me for a long, long time. I don't know that I have ever had a life change this big...not since college maybe. It's weird to think that 36 years of doing things is about to change. It is a good thing, but the only way I can describe it is surreal. I feel like I am a character in a story, acting out a part. It doesn't feel like me yet, like this is my life. It's all good, it just feels strange and unfamiliar...but strange in a good way.

No major wedding plans today...a few phone calls, a little bit perusing on the internet. But I think I need today to just be at home - in my apartment and at home in my life at present - and not make plans or arrangements for my life in the future.

That being said, I am going to enjoy doing laundry, grading papers and convincing James to take me out to dinner tonight.

Honeymoon - Check!

Insert James and Katie here:

OK, finally - the honeymoon is booked! Nine nights and ten days at a luxury cabin in the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee!

Mountain Laurels, here we come!

M.I.A.

Yeah, that's me. It's been 8 days since my last post. I'm so bummed because I so want to be able to devote more energy and time to blogging...but...I just don't have it.

I started this blog for alot of reasons...for myself, to connect with others, to track my journey to my wedding, to voice my epiphanies and other random perceptions. And I just feel kind of crappy that I fell off the boat for a while.

I'm struggling to write this post...should my voice be cute and upbeat, spilling out the dizzying list of all that has been happening, contributing to why I haven't blogged? Do I pour out my raw, dismal feelings at the moment? Do I just post something, so I don't lose my momentum and bail altogether?

The long and short of it is this...I have so many pressing obligations that I have had to force myself away from the computer. And it kind of sucks, because this is something I really enjoy. But when I have a demanding full-time job, another part time job, what feels like another job in planning a wedding - and a relationship and upcoming marriage that needs my time and energy too...I just have to devote my attention to the immediate.

So where does this leave my blog for the moment? Well, I am still here. I don't want to abandon it all together. I don't think I could. I love the friends I have made here and I love where it's going and I love the creativity energy I feel when I write. Although it's not getting the attention it deserves, it is not going anywhere and hopefully it will survive this phase of malnutrition and neglect.

But I've seen how it is so easy to lose your rhythm, even when you miss just a few days. And sometimes, I am such a perfectionist, I don't want to post unless it is the 'perfect' post. Which will never be. So, if I am going to blog at all these next few weeks, I'll have to get over that real fast.

Just so you know...all of the busyness has been for good things. So many wonderful blessings and God-stories sprinkled over the past few weeks. It started with my bridal shower on Feb. 21st...and all of the wedding plans have snowballed from there.

We are still choosing a honeymoon spot (almost done), I needed to search for car rentals (will be done once we officially book the honeymoon), we had to pick out wedding bands (happily, I can say, 'Check!').

The items for the centerpieces have been ordered, the shoes and jewelry have been purchased, the dress is at the seamstress as we speak I type. I hit a snafu with the favors - finally picked out one I loved and went with our whole theme so well...and they are out of stock EVERYWHERE. The manufacturer is out of them. So, back to the drawing board with that.

We've been mattress shopping...hopefully that will be fixed this week, did the taxes (First-Time Homebuyer's Credit is a beautiful thing...now we can really go ahead with all of these plans)...and I met with our sound rental guy tonight. Still have to decide all of the music (we have the musicians at least), finalize our menu and have our food tasting. Buy gifts for the bridal party.

And each step is SO INVOLVED!

So anyway, that is what I have been doing, and I do hope to re-emerge from time to time over the next few weeks. I apologize for not commenting or reading or being M.I.A. If you don't see me, it's pretty likely that I have been taken hostage in WeddingWorld. But word on the street is that my release date is somewhere around March 26. And it will be nice to live in the outside world permanently again.

Thanks, Inspired Dreamer!!!

For giving me the opportunity to be the guest blogger! Today I have the great privilege of being the guest blogger at "Out of the Extraordinary." It's my first time doing this, and I feel really excited about it!

If you've never checked out her blog, please do so! She is a great girl with a lot of awesome insights...seeing the extraordinary in everyday life. It's very cool. I've enjoyed following her blog lately - so check her out!

For the guest blog, I wrote about part of my adventure when I had to get another copy of my birth certificate (For that backstory, see here). It's called 'The Negative Space' - a lesson from high school that came back to me while I was on that little digression. I'm a teacher - so it's all about the lesson for me!

I'll be back here later this week, but for today, feel free to meander over to "Out of the Extraordinary!"

Insecure? Who, Me?

OK -on to So Long Insecurity chapter 2! Thanks for all who commented on the first chapter. [For those just tuning in, see here and here.]

Appreciate your honesty so much - very courageous steps and I applaud that. It's not easy to own up. But I think these are the first steps of overcoming this: admitting it - AND accepting ourselves even with our insecurities, not hating ourselves because of it.

So, the thought chapter 2 opens with is that we all have insecurities - it is a part of being human. But how much do those insecurities limit us or steal our quality of life? And that's the big reason to try to deal with this (besides just how crappy it feels).

Beth gives a specialist's definitions of insecurity [Wow, did I see myself in more than a phrase or two!]:

"a profound sense of self-doubt - a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world...chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about relationships...constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate" (qtd in Moore 17)

A lot of that resonated with me. She makes a few other points that I thought were note-worthy. It really is this complicated mix of self-doubt, self-sabotage, doubting ourselves - and doubting God about ourselves.

One thing she said that is also worth noting is that insecurity can look like self-consciousness and it can look like confidence. Often, perfectionism a cover for insecurity. We think of someone who is self-conscious as willowy, weak, passive. We don't want to be her. We are too proud to be her. But all self-consciousness is is being pre-occupied with self - a constant self-awareness - which really can look like confidence at times, too! So, pride and self-centeredness are indications of insecurity too.

Here is another part she mentions about the whole 'self-consciousness' thing:

"Chronically conscious of self...acute self-awareness and a pre-occupation with self, no matter how it is externalized in life...she is ordinarily more aware of herself than she tends to be of any other person in the room. Whether she feels inferior or superior, she takes a frequent inventory of her place in the space..."

Yeah, I get this...just like an obsessive pre-occupation with self. It's not 100% of the times and it flares up in some environments more than others, but taking a 'frequent inventory of her place in the space'...yeah, that's me.

I want be the girl who is just 'self-forgetful.' She is so absorbed with the moment and the people around her that she is not even aware of herself. That, to me, screams, confidence - and more so because she is not even trying to.

OK, if I haven't overwhelmed you yet, here are some questions she puts out as sort of a self-inventory of insecurity. You may not fit all of them...but a 'yes' to even some could show that there may be an insecurity issue. Which is OK!!! We all have them. But let's be honest and DEAL with it!!!

OK, here are the questions (not an exhaustive list, just a few that she mentions):

1. Do I cry easily?
2. Do I avoid the spotlight in social situations?
3. Do I have a strong desire to make amends whenever I think I have done something wrong?
4. If someone gets angry with me, do I have a hard time not thinking about it?
5. Do I sometimes feel anxious for no apparent reason?
6. Does it hurt my feelings when I learn that someone doesn't like me?
7. Do I fear that my husband might leave me for someone else?

Now, just because you feel some of these things doesn't necessarily earn you the label of 'insecure' (not that we want to be labeling ourselves or others), but her point was how intensely do you feel these things??? And how long have you been feeling this way??? If it's been more than 90 days, then it is chronic.

The final part of this chapter probably nailed me the most accurately. Here is the specialist's definition as quoted by Beth:

"The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships...often unconscious[ly]...creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically...they are usually unaware of how they are unwittingly accomplices in creating their own misery" (23).

And here is her comment that completed resonated:

"We can be so blessed in certain relationships that our unrealistic expectations often seem met, and therefore, reasonable. We can get away with thinking we're secure people because, for a time, we have the important things just like we want them. But then change happens, and suddenly, we are thrown for a severe emotional loop. We realize we weren't secure. We were spoiled."

Ummm, yeah...me in a nutshell.

OK, I have given you enough to think about! Here is the question for chapter 2:

What part of the definition or description of insecurity resonated most with you and why?

I will give my answer in the comment section. I know this is hard. But it is GOOD!!!