Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Marriage of Mr. Random and Ms. Routine

I've thought for about a week or so what I was going to blog about next - and I've got a bunch of thoughts and ideas (which inevitably come when I'm driving)

....and I think I hit a slump. :(

I felt a little better when a few of my favorite blog writers have been a little lax in posting as well. Maybe not for the same reason, but I was a little relieved that at least my irregularity in posting lately has good company.

I hate to blame everything on the adjustments of being married (and blame isn't really the right feel I'm going for), but I sort of feel like blogging is just one more thing I can't seem to a get a rhythm in. I just can't seem to find my groove in anything lately.

I'm a teacher and a routine-addict by nature, so being 'off' for the summer is, ironically, a little hard for me (if you could call having 3 jobs 'off'). I guess what I mean is the irregularity is hard for me. I feel like I even need to plan my free time.

I like my world to function in routines, in systems, in structures...I guess that is easier when you are single, when you are in control (or at least have the illusion of control) of your own world.

I don't mean James is in control of my world now (although sometimes he likes to think he is :) ) but just the awareness of someone else to consider in just about everything...well, it takes getting used to.

And James is the total opposite of a routine-guy. He is Mr. Random. He likes to 'feel' what we should do next...and see how things 'evolve.'

I am learning to find the joy in that and actually, when I let myself, it is sort of refreshing to let go of control of all my micro-managing (at least, the micro-managing I do in my mind). I'm finding fun in the spontaneity and just letting a day 'evolve' or seeing where we end up. And it has resulted in some cool excursions and experiences.

I'm struggling a bit with wanting to prioritize my marriage and our relationship - and finding time to do some of the things I enjoy - and need to do also. Now, James doesn't keep me from is probably just some of the internal conflict inside of me. Add perfectionism to my routine-addiction- and....well... I guess I like routines because I like to do everything right.

Which leads me to my slump in blogging. The perfect post, the perfect topic, the perfect voice...which equal a blog that never gets posted.

I know, I need to break that mind set.

So, in the spirit of breaking out of my rut and perfectionism and releasing my claw grip on my-so-called-structured-life... learning just to 'be' and sometimes just let things 'evolve', even if it is not planned and perfect....

I am posting this blog 'as-is'.