On Friday, my coworkers at school along with my junior and seniors threw me this AMAZING shower. I was totally stunned. No clue. The woman who usually was in charge of 'faculty showers' had resigned earlier this year, and no one had taken her spot. The staff is too thoughtful to not do anything, so I thought they might do a little cake at a teacher's meeting. Well, this was no add-on to a meeting. It was a full.on.shower...hot food and salad, gifts, decorations, invitations and the big 'Surprise!' I was so humbled and honored. And a little embarrassed.
It was a little awkward having all of this attention on me. I mean, it is just me. But with everyone just looking at me (albeit lovingly and with smiles) - I definitely felt slightly uncomfortable!
And I had the same sensation at my other shower last month: Nice...but awkward.
And I got that feeling a few other times this weekend. I finally have gotten around to the beauty regimen - which has definitely been lacking attention these days. I did the airbrush tan on Friday night as a test and got my highlights done on Saturday. All this primping - I can be girlie sometimes, so it felt nice - but as I was doing all this, it just reminded me that I am going to be center- stage on that day. James, too - but by and large, wedding typically are the girl's moment in the spotlight. All.this.attention.on.me.
And I started getting a little nervous!
I also had to pick out my processional music this weekend too, and I tried to envision walking down the aisle...and it hit me that everybody would be looking at ME!
I understand that these are my friends and my family...so there will be no criticism in their faces...but for a moment...I started to feel a little unnerved.
I am a teacher, and I am used to standing in front of people all day and having them scrutinize every hair that is out place, every wrinkle in my shirt and every swipe of chalk across my pant leg.
But this is a little different. On this day, I actually care what people think. On this day, I want to really try to be beautiful. And succeed. It is the day where it is sort of OK for you to be the center of attention. It's OK for you to take great pains to look your very, very best. And for people to notice. And honestly, I don't quite know what to do with that. But I'm not gonna lie - on the other hand, as nervous as it makes me, there is something appealing to me, too.
I struggle with feeling narcissistic and shallow. I typically like to be the background person, and I am more comfortable helping out behind the scenes than being center-stage. So, it feels a little weird feeling having this event that is all for you. That you planned it yourself.
So where that does leave me? Well, for one, I am going to try to enjoy it while I have it. I doubt I will ever get this much attention again in my life. And that is fine. But while I have it, I am going to try to just soak in the love I am getting and this special time where people really are going out of their way to show they care.
And although I am not used to it, it feels nice.
But at the same time, I don't want to lose sight of the importance of this day by focusing on the externals. Although I do think the attention and beauty and fawning do have their place, the MOST important thing is the covenant James and I are making with each other and with God. And long after the compliments fade and my fake tan wears off and my make-up is smudged by hugs, there will be James and there will be me. Together.
And that is why we will even have the spotlight on us in the first place.