Monday, March 15, 2010

A Girl's Moment in the Spotlight

Although everyone wants to I want to be noticed, I am not really that comfortable in the spotlight. This became all the more apparent to me this weekend.

On Friday, my coworkers at school along with my junior and seniors threw me this AMAZING shower. I was totally stunned. No clue. The woman who usually was in charge of 'faculty showers' had resigned earlier this year, and no one had taken her spot. The staff is too thoughtful to not do anything, so I thought they might do a little cake at a teacher's meeting. Well, this was no add-on to a meeting. It was a food and salad, gifts, decorations, invitations and the big 'Surprise!' I was so humbled and honored. And a little embarrassed.

It was a little awkward having all of this attention on me. I mean, it is just me. But with everyone just looking at me (albeit lovingly and with smiles) - I definitely felt slightly uncomfortable!

And I had the same sensation at my other shower last month: Nice...but awkward.

And I got that feeling a few other times this weekend. I finally have gotten around to the beauty regimen - which has definitely been lacking attention these days. I did the airbrush tan on Friday night as a test and got my highlights done on Saturday. All this primping - I can be girlie sometimes, so it felt nice - but as I was doing all this, it just reminded me that I am going to be center- stage on that day. James, too - but by and large, wedding typically are the girl's moment in the spotlight.

And I started getting a little nervous!

I also had to pick out my processional music this weekend too, and I tried to envision walking down the aisle...and it hit me that everybody would be looking at ME!

I understand that these are my friends and my there will be no criticism in their faces...but for a moment...I started to feel a little unnerved.

I am a teacher, and I am used to standing in front of people all day and having them scrutinize every hair that is out place, every wrinkle in my shirt and every swipe of chalk across my pant leg.

But this is a little different. On this day, I actually care what people think. On this day, I want to really try to be beautiful. And succeed. It is the day where it is sort of OK for you to be the center of attention. It's OK for you to take great pains to look your very, very best. And for people to notice. And honestly, I don't quite know what to do with that. But I'm not gonna lie - on the other hand, as nervous as it makes me, there is something appealing to me, too.

I struggle with feeling narcissistic and shallow. I typically like to be the background person, and I am more comfortable helping out behind the scenes than being center-stage. So, it feels a little weird feeling having this event that is all for you. That you planned it yourself.

So where that does leave me? Well, for one, I am going to try to enjoy it while I have it. I doubt I will ever get this much attention again in my life. And that is fine. But while I have it, I am going to try to just soak in the love I am getting and this special time where people really are going out of their way to show they care.

And although I am not used to it, it feels nice.

But at the same time, I don't want to lose sight of the importance of this day by focusing on the externals. Although I do think the attention and beauty and fawning do have their place, the MOST important thing is the covenant James and I are making with each other and with God. And long after the compliments fade and my fake tan wears off and my make-up is smudged by hugs, there will be James and there will be me. Together.

And that is why we will even have the spotlight on us in the first place.


  1. Hey girl!! Long time no talk. It's a given, I think for some of us. I was most nervous about all eyes on me for my wedding. When that part was over I relaxed like letting the air out of gigantic balloon. It was insane the release of pressure I felt once we made it to the relaxed part of the reception. I never liked birthday parties when I was younger b/c all eyes were on me when opening presents. YUCK! LOL.... I think a little anxiety is good for us, it keeps us humble. But sometimes we just have to work through it & let some of it go. I was too anxious to even remember my wedding vows! I mean I remember the feeling of getting married, but I couldn't tell you what was going on around me, what I said, what he said, etc. And we don't have a video! How sad is that!? And all b/c of anxiety.... so try to work with sonmething/someone on releasing some of it. Are you still reading So Long Inseurity? Have you prayed Chapter 9??? I think it could help if you really pray it. I did the other night & I'v'e felt so much better since then. Of course it's still a journey. Still a battle. But if you hand it over to Him & ask for help in understanding it & work through it.... you'll be a blushing bride in a good way ;)

  2. This is totally happening to me! When we had our engagement party last June, I was a mess! While I knew it was family and friends, it was just so uncomfortable! Since I am a twin, I have ALWAYS shared the spotlight, so this is an entirely new thing for me. I'm trying to enjoy it, but it is getting a little stressful thinking about walking down the isle with everyone staring at me. My mom and sister are throwing me a shower next month and I'm sort of dreading it and looking forward to it all at the same time. Such weird emotions, what's going on?!! lol I'm hoping on our wedding day Matt and I will be in our own little bubble and won't even realize there is anyone looking at us :o)

  3. Your shower sounds so nice, congratulations! And I love how you're focusing on the most important part of the wedding - the relationship between you and your fiance.

  4. Nooooo! I posted this awesome comment and Blogger ate it. *sigh* It was something I'd been meaning to write for a while, too.

    Well, the first part is: you'll be the center of attention again - when you have a baby. But you won't feel nearly so glamorous, so soak this up!

    And then something about how even though I'm an introvert and a tomboy, I let myself enjoy being prettied up for the wedding day. Because I knew it would be over with all too soon.

    Followed by some unsolicited advice: Do everything you can to be Present and Mindful on your wedding day. Pause a lot. Look around a lot. Talk to guests. Take mental note of details and work your photographer within an inch of his/her life.

    After my first wedding, I realized I hardly remembered anything about the day because I was riding the wave and just carried along.

  5. They give the showers and will attend the wedding because they love you. And I am certain to them you are always beautiful - even more so on your wedding day :)

  6. Oh, I so understand. I always felt the same way at my bridal and baby showers. It's nice, but....awkward. I know.

    About the "walking down the aisle and having everyone staring at you...." Can I give you a piece of advice that someone gave me before I got married? As you're walking down the aisle and everyone's looking at you, LOOK AT JAMES. Stare him down. Look in his eyes. See how his face lights up when he sees you, and share that moment together. It's Y'ALL'S moment, and like you said, you TOGETHER is why it's all happening to begin with. So watch him. Lock eyes with him from the moment you can see him until you're right by his side. Make a mental note of how he looks and how he's looking at you. Ignore everyone else in the room, and look at the man who's the reason for all of the fuss. You'll be glad you did.

    And....I realized yesterday that we're going to be in the Smokies at the same time. I don't know where you're staying and anyway, I'm not the kind to invite myself along on any part of your honeymoon (because let's face it, that's weird), but keep a look out for us if you're in Gatlinburg. =)

    In case I don't "write" before Friday, CONGRATULATIONS AND BEST WISHES! You're going to be a beautiful bride and have a wonderful, sacred day. I'm so excited for you, and can't wait to hear all about it. Blessings on your marriage!

  7. How exciting!!!! the end can get stressful but remember to love it!!!