Growing Up

I wish I could remember the exact conversation that precipitated the thought, but I can tell you exactly where I was when I had it. James and I were driving from his place to our new house (I couldn't help it! I love saying it!) - and we were making arrangements for getting the mail forwarded or calling LIPA (our power company) or some other home-owner related task.

And I said something along the lines of, "I guess we finally have to grow up." He mumbled something like, "No, I think you can grow up..." to which I replied back that we needed two grown-up people in this marriage... And the conversation just got me thinking...

All this home-owner business - all this marriage business - it is the stuff of grown-ups. It's not like I feel like James and I aren't grown up. I'm 36, he is 41, we both have stable careers, pay our bills, having working cars, are not homeless...we aren't immature - we are responsible individuals. But I wonder if not being immature is the same thing as being grown up.

And, I guess that, at any point prior to this, we could still choose not to act like grown ups - and it wouldn't really affect anyone but ourselves.

Not anymore - it's different now. If I choose not to act grown up, it's not just me in my un-grown-up world. You can't live in an un-grown-up world and get to enjoy all the things that only come in a grown up world.

And even though I would say we act grown-up a majority of the time, I guess it is the idea that now we have to grow up. And as much as we maybe have resisted seeing ourselves in that demographic, we have, really and truly, entered the grown-up world.

I've been reflecting on how things will be different. I think the move and the house is what really spurred on this chain of thought...

I rent an apartment from my parents...I have for the past 5 years. Beside my years in college and despite my numerous, unsuccessful attempts to move out, I have lived at this address my whole life. As much as I have wanted my independence and freedom, I can't deny the convenience of just 'running upstairs' if I ran out of milk or just wanted to borrow an egg. Or, if I didn't feel like cooking. Or, if my car started making a weird noise. Or if I needed help hanging my black and white pictures.

That's gonna change. I won't be running to dad when I need something fixed and I won't be asking mom to cook for me when I'm too tired lazy to cook for myself. As much as it might not have always been the most 'mature' action, I could get away with it. No longer.

The house, the move, the marriage...I can't escape it. It is time to grow up.

So, all these things we could 'get away with', if we wanted to....not anymore.

It's exciting to me to think of having our own home and running a household and being in charge of my own little corner of real estate. But it is a little scary, too. I wonder if I am ready to be a 'real' grown-up. With a house. And a mortgage. With no escape clause if I don't like how it is working out (owning a home, I mean - although I don't believe in an escape clause from marriage either. But the home is what I was referring to).

Maybe it is the idea of commitment - commitment is very mature and adult. It is the essence of 'grown-up.' And I think that is good for us. It's not like we don't know about commitment or that we haven't thought about it or haven't commitment to anything before this...but I guess it is more tangible now. More permanent.

Buying a house is a very grown-up step. And so is getting married. I think we are ready for it. [I think.] I think it's time. And honestly, I think we need to do it. Being a 40-year-old 20-year-old is a little unbecoming.

So grown-up world, ready or not, here we come.