Camping: The Real Test of a Marriage's Strength (Part 1)

Or, so I have been told. And maybe experienced....just a little.

So we had decided a while ago to go camping for 4th of July weekend. Initially, we were going to a local park, only about 30 minutes from our house. But with the heatwave and all, James thought it would be better to go where there might be some water nearby. Fine by me.

Well, we lost about $50 by not going to the original park (Suffolk County is so lame in how they set this system up but that's another story), but we took the loss and headed to the Delaware Water Gap.




Now, I've been camping several times and love it, but I have never been the one to be in charge of the trip - you know, packing up all the gear, buying everything we need, etc.

I had a pretty extensive list and I kept my pad handy every time another thought crossed my mind. James threw a few reminders my way, so I thought I really had my bases covered. So while James was at work on Friday, I was running all over L.I. buying the essentials. I mean, I had nothing. A few old flashlights, some paper plates, bug spray, but that was about it.

So, I got the tent (this great 9-man tent James had seen that he loved - I was so glad I found it), the air mattress (I cannot do hard ground), a pump, the lantern, the propane stove, propane, the table grill, the coffee pot, batteries...all what I thought were the essentials. Then food. Then packing up. I felt this fun, wifely excitement getting all of this for our first camping trip together. But I did feel a little nervous...hoping I wouldn't forget anything.

We actually made great time and hit minimal traffic, which is unusual getting off Long Island on a regular day, let alone a holiday weekend. But I knew James just wanted to get there, and all of the bad drivers (i.e. everyone else) were making him a little edgey.

We arrived to our spot about 10pm... and that was when the "fun" began.

We had this great spot that was surrounded by woods, so we loved the seclusion. But we realized that we couldn't pull the car right up to the spot...and therefore, no light. We started lugging our gear to the spot, and I was digging through everything to find the lantern and praying I brought the right amount of batteries. Ok, success. So I did my best to shine the headlights on our spot, and the lantern provided some extra light.

"Where are the other lanterns?"

"Other lanterns?"

Silence.

"I only bought one."

I soon realized that all of the other flashlights I had dug up to bring with us (I'm so cheap - why buy new ones when we have them?) were either not working or severely inadequate. And I can see James' frustration starting to build.

And then I pulled out the tent that he has to set up. In the dark. With minimal light. For the first time. After a long day of work. And a three-hour drive.

Now, the idea of a 9 person tent seemed awesome while I was in the store that day...in broad daylight...in an air-conditioned store...in civilization. As the reality set in that it was dark, late, and the first time James had even seen this more complex tent, let alone set it up - well, maybe it wasn't such a great idea? In his delicate way, James off-handedly suggested that a quick 2-man pop-up might have been better, given the circumstances? Point noted.

Well, it's what we had and I was sure we'd love it once we were in it...we couldn't exactly pack up and go home. So, like a good husband, James set out to set it up, and he said, "OK, where's the hammer?"

Oh, crap. Hammer?

"I didn't bring a hammer. I'm so sorry, honey. I didn't even think of a hammer."

Silence.

Oh gosh, this isn't good. So, ingenious that he is, we found a small boulder near by which would have to do...but it didn't. It cracked one of the plastic buckles. So, we ended up digging up part of my car jack to do the trick.

While he was doing that, I thought it best to remove myself from the scenario and let him figure it out, so I went to go get some wood. And I am praying the whole time, "Jesus, give him strength, give him wisdom, help him to figure this out without problems..."

I came back and saw the tent starting to take shape and felt relieved, but still thought it wise to make myself scarce. So, I did the best I could to be helpful, unload the car and stay out of his way.

To his credit, he did amazingly, which I knew he would. I could tell he was super-frustrated, but he handled it great and the tent came together. After an hour and a half.

Considering the circumstances, not too bad.

At about 1am or so, I was wrecked, and he was all wired. I decided to crash, and he just wanted to stay up, unwind, sit by the fire and listen to some music.

Music. The CD player. I knew I bought batteries. Where were they????

Thankfully, I found the package and as James is putting them in, he asked, "Where's the other package?"

"Other package?"

"Yeah, it takes 8 batteries. There's only 4 here. Did you look to see how many you needed?"

"I looked to see that we needed C batteries... I didn't count."

Silence.

"Maybe you could listen to your I-pod instead?"

Silence.

I've heard in camping that when you encounter a bear, it is best to slip away quietly, unnoticed....

"OK, goodnight, honey...I'll see you in the morning..."

Stay tuned for the next episode. But here are some pics from our weekend homestead and the beautiful tent James set:

State of The Our Union: The First 90 Days

This Saturday marked 3 months of marriage marital bliss - the first 90 days. I figured it was a good time to look back and reflect just a little.

Many well-meaning people ask me all the time - 'So how's married life?' I am sure, most of the time, it is the courteous question to ask - very similar to the 'How are you?': polite to ask but they don't really want to know.

And honestly, I don't always want to tell. Again, I know they are well-intended and are assuming it has been marital bliss. But it is funny - because lots of people will tell you that the first year can be the most challenging, but when people ask how married life is, they just expect you to say 'It is so awesome!'

To complicate a very simple question even more, I am the kind of person who hates to answer, 'Fine!' 'Great!' to the 'how are you' question if my ENTIRE life is not fine or great. Most of it might be, but if there is even just one area that is not, I feel I am being dishonest by saying 'fine' or 'great.' That's just me- black and white, all or nothing. Can make life a little difficult. So I feel a little internal obligation to elaborate (not that I always do - I just feel it), even though the question really does just require a 'fine' or 'great.'

Anyway, I digress majorly. So, the 'How's married life?' question. The first 90 days:

In general, it has been great. I love living with James and having someone around to share a house with. Even with the hard stuff, I like my life so much more being married than single. Single life was good but I just prefer this - as do most people who marry; otherwise, they wouldn't marry. Duh.

It is definitely more work - more laundry, food shopping, cleaning, juggling schedules - and I can't really slack off like I would when I lived alone. But I like doing those domestic kinds of things, so I don't mind.

I have learned a lot about James by living with him, even though I feel like there haven't been any huge surprises. More like - he likes to fall asleep with the TV timer on or a CD or tape playing (usually the Bible or a sermon). He hates having the covers over his feet because they need to 'breathe'; he sometimes has a little bit of RLS (restless leg syndrome - real or imagined I'm not sure, but very real in our house) so settling into sleep is usually a production.

He doesn't eat dinner like regular people. Doesn't require dinner, doesn't always like to have it. So, I figured one of us would be cooking dinner every night...it's not as regimented as I thought.

I've learned what particular foods he likes to have in the house: potato or white bread, not wheat; never light mayo or half-and-half; shrimp and cheese-and-crackers are a favorite snack to keep in the house; white albacore tuna in water, not oil.

He likes to keep his toothbrush in the shower, he does not like to sit in the backyard at night with the lights on (doesn't want to disturb the neighbors). He likes the lines in the carpet when he vacuums, and sometimes he will re-vacuum after I do it because I didn't do the lines right.

These have been some of the fun discoveries.

It has been fun to be able to go away together. We didn't live together before we were married and we saved sex for after marriage, so we didn't really travel together while we were dating.

But it has been fun to plan some short weekend trips. We went upstate Memorial Day Weekend to go mountain biking and we are going camping this weekend for the 4th of July. It is so fun to pack and buy supplies and plan all that together (oh yeah - I definitely learned to have the route planned out AHEAD of time...even if he says he knows where he is going. I should know the route too - it is the job of the co-pilot, so I am told!).

Our relationship itself hasn't changed a lot - but in a way, it has - and it is. The commitment is deeper, and the ripple effects of our decisions (and moods and behaviors) are a lot closer now. The reality is sinking in that we are each other's family now and the first loyalty is to each other - not to our former families, former friends, former hobbies...although those are still in our lives. It is just that we didn't make a life-long covenant with any of these people or things, but with each other. We are one now. Everything we do affects the other.

I feel like we are a little clumsy in adjusting to this reality - we are all creatures of habit so it takes getting used to this - but I am sure in time it will be more natural.

Of course, there are always miscommunications - most of the time the disagreements are results of misunderstandings or not communicating clearly. So, I am having to learn better ways to adapt my communication in a way he understands. Men and women are so different so I feel like I am always taking mental notes when I notice something.

I am also learning that change happens slowly. I tend to be a pretty flexible and can adapt fairly quickly; change takes a little more of a "process" (his favorite word) for James. So even the pace of our adjustments is different - and I am sure the male/female traits are a part of that - so I have tried to keep that in mind too.

There have been other issues we have had to deal with that have made the first 90 days a little challenging and not exactly the way I imagined it would be. We are working through it, which is good, but there were times when honestly, I felt a little sad because I would say to myself, "We shouldn't be dealing with this kind of stuff in our first few months of bliss!"

But who is to say that? Everyone is different - every couple and everyone brings different issues and baggage to the table (myself included - and we all have it). Everyone's relationship and timetable looks different.

So I have had to grow up a bit too, and not act like a spoiled girl but a mature wife and support and encouragement to my husband. Which, by the way, is the whole point...not just to have all of my expectations fulfilled. This is life. This is marriage.

And probably the biggest thing I have learned is this: it's all about me.

Before you freak, this is what I mean: It is all about me - me growing and developing into a more mature, Christ-like person, a quality human being. It is all about me in the sense that I am responsible for myself and how I act and how I choose to change and grow - and that I cannot force that on someone else.

I cannot control James or what he does or doesn't do - how he chooses to grow and change - or even if he chooses to grow or change (He does both, by the way, but my point is that I can't force him). I can only control myself. It is up to me to choose how I handle my emotions, my upset, my state of mind, and what I perceive as right or wrong. It is up to me and God to handle my part of the relationship - and it is up to God and James to handle his part. It is not for me to micro-manage him just so I can arrange my life to be exactly what I want it to be.

I could write more about all this - and probably will at some point - but one bit of advice that I was told I would need to incorporate every day (and they were right) is this:

Always keep giving, always keep forgiving. Give and forgive.

And getting that one down has taken me at least the first 90 days.

So, my final thoughts on the first 90 days: Marriage is wonderful and can be all it is cracked up to be - but it is not for the faint of heart.

D.O.N.E.

Yes, finally. The school year is O.V.E.R.

Graduation tomorrow....

But it was right down to the wire. I've debated whether is it professionally ethical or not to include pieces of emails I've gotten from my students just so you could read for yourself the insanity of what this week has been...but I decided that might somehow be a breech of confidentiality.

Needless to say...

Anyway, I have been so negative about the end of this year so I don't want to dwell on that anymore. I am just ready to look ahead to summer.

As you may have read, the past 12 months have been insane, and I am so excited to just enjoy a little...

So, some things on my to-do list for the next 2 months, in no particular order:

1. Fitness: I need to get in shape again! Ugh! I have been eating my frustration! Six point six pounds heavier since the wedding and that has got to go! So, I am planning to mountain bike with James, go walking outside, get back to the gym - and ZUMBA classes! I have heard great things about Zumba and I am psyched.

2. Nesting: We are moved in but the house isn't totally home yet. I haven't had a chance to decorate, hang pictures, curtains, paint, etc. So that is on my agenda - to get organized and make this home. I am not the picture of domesticity when it comes to cooking or gardening, but I plan to try to make some advances in that area: healthy cooking and planting some flowers in the yard.

3. Spiritual: I haven't involved myself in a good Bible study in almost a year or so - and I am feeling it. I have been 'getting by' spiritually, and I am feeling the void of not having that closeness with Jesus. So, I want to get back into a solid, regular quiet time - and hopefully do another really good Beth Moore Bible study. Those have always been great for me.

4. Marriage: I feel like I have a lot to learn about what it means to have a godly marriage and to be a godly wife. There are a few books about it I have been wanting to read: Sacred Marriage, Love and Respect, Boundaries in Marriage. I have a few others that have been given to me as well that I would like to read also. So I want to spend some time reading and in prayer about what this new role means and what it should look like.

5. Blogging: I am excited to be back on the bandwagon and I want to give some time and energy to really thinking through what I am hoping this blog will evolve into.

6. Friends: So many friends I haven't seen and want to catch up with! Some former students I have been wanting to have a cup of coffee with - and BBQs! I love them!

7. Professional: Give a little (very little!) thought to some professional development - really, just reading some classic novels that I haven't read to see if they might be good to teach in the future. I am going to stay away from curriculum for most of the summer. I need a break.

8. Fun and Relaxation: First summer as a newly-wed! This may be the only time in our lives that James and I can enjoy our freedom like this. I definitely want to make time for us, to do some day trips and make each day special, to make our marriage a priority. We have a beach close-by, which we both love. We have been blessed by our surroundings and I think it is fully honoring to God to enjoy this gift.

My goal for the summer is really just to make each.day.count.



PS - Hi to any friends visiting from New Friend Friday at The Girl Creative! A great place to visit and make new friends! And TGC is my sister :)

Angry Teacher Rant

I am so DONE!

On a typical day, I love my students, I love my job...but yesterday, I felt like I hated them. I am serious. In my mind, every one of them was lazy, apathetic, superficial, had no character, no work ethic. You would not have wanted to be inside my head yesterday - it was not pretty.

I've complained all semester long about grading their thesis papers. Grading these things are the bane of my professional existence, but I put a TON of time into assessing their rough drafts...going over it with a fine-toothed comb, marking every grammar error, error in development, organization, weak thesis statements, lack of unity...you name it.

It is so FRUSTRATING to get their final drafts and compare them to the rough drafts. Do you know what they fixed???? The commas, the periods, the capital letters, the spacing...anything that did not require THOUGHT and only mistakes the I POINTED OUT.

Anything that required them to THINK or DO MORE WORK they conveniently left out.

"You need another example here. Develop this paragraph a little more." I got nothing.

"How is this information tied to your thesis? Make a connection."Still nothing.

"Repetitive. Keep all like information together." Did they move it? Of course not!

"Too much quoting. You need to paraphrase." Do you know what was there? SAME.EXACT.WORDS.

Just to name a few.

In fairness, I did get some great papers. I do have students who work hard, take pride in their work and have an excellent work ethic.

But it just made me sad how many students don't. Shoddy work. No effort. They check out during class, do their work incorrectly, and then have the gall to ignore the corrections I MAKE FOR THEM!

They have been doing these kinds of papers since 9th grade. I don't get it.

The seniors need to get a 75 on their thesis in order to graduate. Some got a 70 or 75, and instead of just making all the corrections, they calculatively determine what they needed to do to get the 3 or 5 points needed to pass. That's it.

I was going over a paper with a student about what needed to be done to fix her paper, and she said, point blank, " Just tell me what I need to do to get 3 points." "Well, really, it would be best to..." " No, honestly, I just want the 3 points."

OK, summer vacation is more for the teacher than the student. Case in point.

You would not want me teaching your kids in this frame of mind. Look for a rebuttal in the future about how wonderful my students are and how motivated and enthusiastic and how bright....

But just not today.

I See It...

...the end, that is. The end is in sight.

We finished classes on Monday....NYS Regents and finals this week and next...and then....done.

I am so looking forward to....just....breathing....

I was talking to my mom on the phone, filling her in on my summer plans, and as we talked, I realized the past 12 months have been a whirlwind. Almost entirely, nonstop.

About this time last year, I had to finish up school a week early because I was going on a trip to Morocco. So, I had to get my classroom cleaned out and my grades in a week early. That was crazy.

Then, I was in Morocco for almost two weeks.



About two weeks after I got back from Morocco, James proposed.




Enter: wedding planning mania.

When we decided on a March wedding, the wind speed starting picking up.



September, I'm back teaching - and planning a wedding:

Getting the dress...


finding a church (ours was being used for the Easter Passion Play)...

finding a reception site....


picking the dresses, flowers, and color schemes...


picking the invitations...



By November, enter: house hunting.



I am teaching, planning a wedding, and looking for a house.

By December, I am teaching, planning a wedding, getting the house inspected, finalizing the mortgage, going to contract...


I don't even think we took a break for the holidays. Maybe Christmas Day.



By January, I am teaching, prepping for the NYS English Regents (a brutal 6- hour-4-essay test), planning the wedding, closing on our house...


....and just about going crazy.

By February, on top of all that, we are moving James into the house...



packing up my apartment,

planning our honeymoon...

and now wedding planning stress is in full swing...

picking the tuxes...

going over the guest list and tables...

finding the right favors...


Throw in a few hair trials, make-up trials and bridal showers....

Honestly, there are no words.

Another month or so of this...constant motion right up until the night before - making and setting up the centerpieces....





And finally, it arrives:

March 26, 2010...it has all been leading up to this. It was all worth it.

April...we had our honeymoon, which was super-relaxing...but a degree of stress, only in the sense of the newness of and getting used to each other.






When we got back, I had to move all the rest of my stuff out of the apartment and into the house, unpacking, buying furniture, settling in, adjusting to a new routine and a new role as a wife...





And go back to work and catch up on everything I put off while I was....well,....see above.

By May, I am super-stressed at work - the normal end of the year crunch, on top of all my back-work I didn't do while planning the wedding, figuring out what job(s) I'll be working for the summer, applying and training for those jobs....

Not to mention that in order for two students to graduate, I have to find an additional 21 hours in my life to privately tutor them.

...which brings me to today - June 17.

I see it.

The end is in sight.

Classes are done.

I can do my grading in school instead of bringing it home every night.

I can take a few minutes to blog while my students are re-taking the regents.

My summer schedule is mostly worked out (3 different jobs, mind you, but when I leave at the end of the day, I leave) and I am actually seeing vacant blocks of time in the near future that aren't booked with something that has to get done.

This whirlwind of a 12-month time period is just about drawing to a close, and honestly, I couldn't.be.happier.

There have been these huge, monumental life changes in the past 365 days that I haven't even really had a chance to fully contemplate, dream about - or even really fully enjoy.

But, that is what is on my agenda for the next 75 days....

Wedding Weight

Hey girlies!

I am (almost) caught up at work, which is allowing me to have some guilt-free blogging time, and I only see it getting better. Relief! LOL.

My seniors are away on their senior trip this week, which has opened up my schedule BIG-TIME! (I am only teaching 2-3 periods a day this week!) and has helped me catch up. It is a good feeling.

So, this was a good week for me to work on the wedding weight. (Fewer kids to snap at when I am cranky and hungry).

Yup, the post-wedding-weight-gain. Almost as predictable as the Freshman 15.

I didn't really lose weight for the wedding - too busy and stressed to put too much energy into that direction. But typically, I have a 4-5 pound range that I like to stay within. If I start climbing above that, I know I am getting in trouble.

For the wedding, I was at bottom of that 5 pound range.

Well, two months (today, actually :) ) I am at the top. And I realized I better start doing something before it creeps out of control.

A girl I work with told me that she was doing this Three Day Diet. She lost 6 lbs the first week. I know, I know, with those fad diets, you lose and gain it all back. But, the benefit I saw in it was that it was so strict that it would at least start disciplining me to eat less.

So, you do this diet for three days, and then you eat sensibly for the other four. I am not sure if you are supposed to go back to the diet for three days the next week, but she has done that. Anyway, she is in it 2 and a 1/2 weeks, and her total weight loss is 8. Not bad.

I probably should do a post about how we as women are so consumed with our weight in our culture and how we shouldn't put so much emphasis on it. While true, I don't know if I have fully evolved to that level, lol. And honestly, without sounding like I am covering up, I honestly do think managing a healthy weight is really important for health issues, longevity and quality of life.

I just saw a write-up on the diet at the link posted - Web MD. Supposedly, it is the precise combination of food that boosts the metabolism. Already, that might be problematic for me. I had to make some substitutions - pretty equivalent, I'd say - but some of the food items I just knew I couldn't choke down.

Well, no surprise, but it didn't get rave reviews. It said the usual on why it is not a good idea - too rigid, you'll gain the weight back when you switch, can't substitute for a healthy lifestyle, etc. All true. I know.

I guess for me, I am just looking for the jump start - the discipline, the structure - and yes, even the quick results, just to motivate me a little to start changing my eating patterns.

I can clearly identify the causes of the weight gain...when James cooks, it is MAN-food, not girly-food. But it is SOOOO good. I've at least gotten him to scale back my portions, but sometimes it is just so yummy, I eat more than I should.

Second, I haven't been to the gym as much. I am still not in the swing of a routine yet...lots of running around, setting up house, arranging summer work, etc....the gym hasn't been priority.

But I am hoping that the diet will at least make me more cognizant of what I am shoving in my mouth (I am a BIG snacker - and it all adds up).

And, I am hoping to make exercise more of a priority with the nice weather. We bought me a good mountain bike (James loves to do that) - so I am hoping that we'll be able to do that and incorporate walks like we used to. We actually are going upstate for Memorial Day weekend to doing some biking and hiking...so - yay, us!

All said and done, fitness was an important value I had before I got married, so early on, I am trying hard to not let that one go....

Thoughts????

Confessions of a Delinquent Blogger

Well, the reasons I have been delinquent in blogging are simple:

1. The obvious: T.I.M.E. I am struggling a little with this time-management thing! It is a whole new routine, being a newlywed. And we haven't settled into a clear-cut routine yet. For a few reasons. Primarily, James is definitely not a routine guy. He likes to 'feel' a moment and see how it 'evolves.' While that is beautifully spontaneous, it's not good for the perfectionist planner like me!

Second - my schedule after school is different every day. Some days it is my 2nd job, some days it is teacher's meetings, some days it is extra help or tutoring, some days it is running errands. So, I get home at a different time every day. Combine that with James 'feeling a moment' - and well... I never know what a night will hold.

The other reason I feel like I am struggling with time is that I am trying to catch up on all the work I put off while I was planning the wedding. I have SO.MUCH. grading and lesson plans and instructional plans, blah, blah, blah...things I should have been doing all semester. I have senior thesis papers that my students turned in in FEBRUARY that I have not finished grading yet. I kid you not! It's shameful! Which leads me to my next point...

2. I feel guilty for blogging when I still have all those papers to grade (which, as you can see, is really stopping me). Ok, moving on...

3. I have been waiting for pictures. I have lots of stories to tell - with pictures to go along with them - just waiting for friends to email them to me. Don't want to become the annoying bride who emails and emails and emails and thinks the world revolves around her shower and wedding pictures. So I have been biding my time...but sit tight, they are coming...

4. I have been re-thinking my blog content. "One Girl's Journey to the Altar" has finally arrived at the altar. Now what? The content will still be along the lines of "Life After the Altar" - although not exclusive to just marriage and relationships. So, at some point I will have to make the shift - and I have also been playing around with a new name. My sister - "The Girl Creative" - is going to help with a new design, so I am hoping to have the new 'reveal' sometime in June.

So, all that to say - I miss Blogworld. I miss blogging on my blog, I miss reading others' blogs, I miss commenting and I miss reading comments. I miss the friendships and camaraderie and the connection.

But I am excited to get back into it soon.

I haven't forgotten about you all, my friends. I am hoping to get into the swing of things soon. At least as soon as I get those papers graded. (Really, it is so shameful).

My friend Kate at Newlywed and Unemployed has allowed me to be a guest blogger featured today - so you can check out some of my newlywed thoughts over there. She is a great read, too!

And just a disclaimer...at the end of my post over there, I stated about married life, "I am liking it just fine." James took issue with that: "Just fine? That's it? Not loving it?"

I tried to explain that I said that line with a sassy smile. "Did you indicate that there was a sassy smile with that?" "Well, no...but they will get it..." "Well, I don't know, then. I would just think it was just OK if I read that..."

So, let me just say LOUD AND CLEAR - that I am LOVING married life just fine (wink, sassy smile).

:)