Just Breathe

I actually need to remind myself to do that sometimes. Slow down. Inhale. Now, exhale (sometimes I need to remind myself to do that, too).

It has been a marathon week/weekend. We had midterms last week (for English teachers, it is the week from Satan. Our NYS comprehensive test for juniors is actually a six-hour test. Yes, you heard me right. S.I.X. H.O.U.R.S. Absolutely ridiculous). Anyway, we also closed on our house last week, had to clean out James' apartment and then start moving him into the house.

Phone calls to get the water turned on, the electric turned on, the cable turned on (Optimum-Triple-Play, baby!), the old phone turned off, the oil delivered. Running around to move furniture, shop for furniture, transport furniture...running to the store to get cleaning supplies, extension cords, groceries - and trying to feed ourselves in the process (I am so over take-out!).

Whew! Deep breath - in...out...

Running to church for Christian Education Sunday (I would have been so tempted to skip if not for that! But teachers needed to be there), few more grading of midterms over the weekend, and it was back to work today.

I am s.h.o.t.

The blessings of God to us during this are truly overwhelming - truly - , but you want to know what the sad part is? I keep finding myself saying, "I can't wait until all this is over."

Is that terrible?

This is such an exciting time of my life...really, it is...but it feels overwhelming, exhausting...it feels like a lot. I am trying to savor all of these wonderful things, but I am wondering if I can even keep up. I cross one thing off my mental list, and three others pop up in its place.

So, that's why I need to remind myself to just breathe. In. Out. It is going by so fast, and I don't want to miss it.

Be in the moment. One thing, one step, one breath at a time.

I remember reading a book by John Ortberg [God is Closer Than You Think], and he posed the question (I am paraphrasing and I hope I'm not butchering it):

"What is the greatest moment of your life?"

After such a leading question, he goes on to say that right now, this very moment, is the greatest moment of your life, because it is the only moment you have. That's it. Right now. So, right now is it...it is what I make of it. Will it be great, or will I wish it away? What a waste of a potentially great moment.

So, with all that is up and coming, I am going to try to just breathe. Take each moment as it comes. And try to experience each moment as the greatest moment of my life.

Just breathe. It will be OK. It might even be great.

Growing Up

I wish I could remember the exact conversation that precipitated the thought, but I can tell you exactly where I was when I had it. James and I were driving from his place to our new house (I couldn't help it! I love saying it!) - and we were making arrangements for getting the mail forwarded or calling LIPA (our power company) or some other home-owner related task.

And I said something along the lines of, "I guess we finally have to grow up." He mumbled something like, "No, I think you can grow up..." to which I replied back that we needed two grown-up people in this marriage... And the conversation just got me thinking...

All this home-owner business - all this marriage business - it is the stuff of grown-ups. It's not like I feel like James and I aren't grown up. I'm 36, he is 41, we both have stable careers, pay our bills, having working cars, are not homeless...we aren't immature - we are responsible individuals. But I wonder if not being immature is the same thing as being grown up.

And, I guess that, at any point prior to this, we could still choose not to act like grown ups - and it wouldn't really affect anyone but ourselves.

Not anymore - it's different now. If I choose not to act grown up, it's not just me in my un-grown-up world. You can't live in an un-grown-up world and get to enjoy all the things that only come in a grown up world.

And even though I would say we act grown-up a majority of the time, I guess it is the idea that now we have to grow up. And as much as we maybe have resisted seeing ourselves in that demographic, we have, really and truly, entered the grown-up world.

I've been reflecting on how things will be different. I think the move and the house is what really spurred on this chain of thought...

I rent an apartment from my parents...I have for the past 5 years. Beside my years in college and despite my numerous, unsuccessful attempts to move out, I have lived at this address my whole life. As much as I have wanted my independence and freedom, I can't deny the convenience of just 'running upstairs' if I ran out of milk or just wanted to borrow an egg. Or, if I didn't feel like cooking. Or, if my car started making a weird noise. Or if I needed help hanging my black and white pictures.

That's gonna change. I won't be running to dad when I need something fixed and I won't be asking mom to cook for me when I'm too tired lazy to cook for myself. As much as it might not have always been the most 'mature' action, I could get away with it. No longer.

The house, the move, the marriage...I can't escape it. It is time to grow up.

So, all these things we could 'get away with', if we wanted to....not anymore.

It's exciting to me to think of having our own home and running a household and being in charge of my own little corner of real estate. But it is a little scary, too. I wonder if I am ready to be a 'real' grown-up. With a house. And a mortgage. With no escape clause if I don't like how it is working out (owning a home, I mean - although I don't believe in an escape clause from marriage either. But the home is what I was referring to).

Maybe it is the idea of commitment - commitment is very mature and adult. It is the essence of 'grown-up.' And I think that is good for us. It's not like we don't know about commitment or that we haven't thought about it or haven't commitment to anything before this...but I guess it is more tangible now. More permanent.

Buying a house is a very grown-up step. And so is getting married. I think we are ready for it. [I think.] I think it's time. And honestly, I think we need to do it. Being a 40-year-old 20-year-old is a little unbecoming.

So grown-up world, ready or not, here we come.

Movin' Out - Part 3: The Morning After

So, yesterday, we closed on our house [insert excited squeal here]!

For those who missed the previous episode and are interested, you can catch up on part 1 and part 2.

I was a bundle of nervous energy all day, but I not only worked one of my jobs, but both. Everyone asked me 'How can you even work today???' It definitely helped me to stay productive distracted me from being nervous - and, well, if I don't work, I don't buy a house.

Everything went without a hitch. The lawyers were great, the owners were amazing (one of the nicest couples I have ever met...an older couple around 65-70 years old)...and there in the lawyer's office surrounded by a cloud of witnesses, James and I signed our life away for the next 30 years.

We went out for dinner to celebrate (yes, we still actually had a little something in our checking account) and then headed over to our house.

It was surreal as we pulled in, and I said to James, "Hon, this is our driveway... to our house..."

We went into the house, and inside the fridge was a bottle of wine from the owners. There really wasn't anything we could do just yet, but we just wanted to be there. (Well, we had our first hug in our new house :) . So we just parked ourselves on the living room floor and were just quiet for a while.

So many changes, all happening so fast. I am so thankful they are good changes, but changes none the less. I guess that is what I feel most unprepared for: this roller coaster of emotions. I just sort of thought I would float on puffy clouds through this whole wedding-marriage-home-buying process.

As I mentioned in my previous post, there is a bit of a back-story as to why it was so huge for us to get this house:

[I never want to share too much of James' business, so I will do my best to convey the story while respecting the fact that he is not blogging his life on the internet...]

James had something of a 'colorful' childhood as far as where he lived, home life, etc. He has lived in lots of different places, with different people, over the course of his childhood. And as you might guess, that's not really the most advantageous environment for a kid to grow up in. So, 'home' never really had the greatest connotations, if the concept even existed in his mind at all.

Our God is so redemptive and in spite of all the disadvantages he faced, he (with God's help) has made his life something to be proud of. I certainly am, and I know God is, too.

Ok, back to the house...well, the apartment James has lived in for the past 8 years is the longest he has ever lived in one place. And he LOVES the area he rents in (which happens to be a bit pricey). And as one might conjecture, that has become 'home' for him. The idea of leaving a place that a person has grown so attached to is hard, even if it is a good change. So, when we were discussing where we would live, you can imagine some of the inner conflict.

Now when the possibility presented itself to us to buy a house, I so wanted this for James. I wanted us to have a chance to not only have a place where we could settle and not have to move in a year, but one that would be his own home. To me, it just seemed so right and redemptive that, at the start of our marriage, he would be able to begin his new life with something he never had before - something so integral to it.

So, when we found this house, I wanted this so badly for him. It's small and modest (we're OK with that) but most importantly, it would be ours. Not only did it seem like something we would really be happy with, but it was only 2 miles from where he lives now. And liked I mentioned, he loves this area. That is when I really started getting fearful that this wouldn't work out. I would have been more disappointed for him than for me.

In being an honest storyteller, I have to say that James never mentioned that this carried the same importance to him. It might just be my female conjecture, but I'm guessing some similar thoughts may have run through his mind too. But I know that I just wanted him to have the feeling of joy and safety and sanctuary that having a home that is your own to come back to each day brings.

I know, every couple would like to have a home at the start of their marriage. I agree. But for us, I just felt like there was a lot more riding on it; it was a lot more significant. But that's just me.

So when we signed those papers and drove into the driveway of our home, I was in awe of this new reality God had created for us. It all just seemed so providential. And - we found out that for a reasonable yearly fee, we actually have private beach rights to four different beaches! (I tell here how James feels about the beach and what it means to him. And actually, now that I think about it, it is so cool that God is giving us a new beach - and not just Cedar Beach - to be our beach.)

Last night before we left, we prayed together on our living room floor in our empty house and asked God to bless it and make it a home for us- with love and peace, that we would be a light to our neighbors, that this gift from Him to us would be consecrated to Him and used for His purposes.

So, the morning after, we are (still) smiling at His faithfulness.

"The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning ;
Great is Your faithfulness."

~Lamentations 3:22-23

Movin' Out - Part 2

For those just tuning in, you can catch the first part of the story in my last post.

OK, I left off describing how we lost the bid on the first house we were hoping for. Here is where we pick up again:

After about a week of licking our wounds, we started to look again. Armed with our new list, we did the circuit again. By the end of the day, there were two that we were interested in. We made an appointment with our realtor, and it was clear which was the better of the two.

The one we liked had just been updated with new siding, roof, windows, doors, cesspool, fence, and electric. It was a nice-sized flat lot (rare in that area) with the potential to be expanded in any direction - and it had a white picket fence to boot.

Not to be outdone again, we put in an offer right away.

While we were waiting to hear back from the realtors, James and I would say to ourselves, "What are we doing??? Should we even be doing this??? Now??? A wedding and a house???? Are we crazy???" It's funny though, because all of the wise people we ran this crazy scheme by affirmed that it was not so crazy after all. In fact, it was a smart move (Yay! Point for us!).

A few phone calls, a few negotiations, a few stipulations - but they took it. They accepted our offer.

We could hardly believe this was happening for us. Now that we had gone beyond 'just a dream' to a 'real possibility,' my anxiety started to kick in a notch. By this time, I was scared to get my hopes us.

There's a little bit of a back-story as to why this was so important to us that I'll share another time, but just trust me when I say, moving into 'our' house was important to me. We had prayed at every stage of this process and we knew we would be OK if things didn't work out. But the blessing it would be to move into a house that was actually ours would be was huge (and not in the I-need-to-be-living-the-American-dream- kind of way).

But, deep down, I just felt like this was a long-shot (See? My negative thinking!). There were just so many odd-shaped pieces that had to fit together:

The taxes had to fall within a certain amount. {They did.}

The house had to pass inspection. {It did.}

We had to officially get approved for the mortgage. {We did.}

The seller had to agree to the closing concessions. {He did.}

And he had to agree to do the minor repairs. {Yes, that too.}

The house had to be appraised for the right amount. {Mmm- hmmm. You know where this is going...}

I was so afraid we would get to the next stage and the bottom would fall out. But to my surprise, lack of faith, God kept the ground firm beneath us and opened the next door for us to walk through. There were a few unexpected expenses (which actually is to be expected), but amazingly, the money was there each time. Don't ask me how...but it was.

So, yesterday, we did the walk-through, and we are so convinced this was the right house. The owner was amazing and spent over two hours with us, showing us the ropes and letting us pick his brain for how we might do some renovations. We were so excited to plan and dream and imagine our life together in this house.

It all happened so fast - we only started house-shopping in November! But the contract was signed by December 22, and we will be closing tomorrow on January 25. And honestly, the timing is perfect. Any earlier, we would have had to pay the mortgage and my rent for a few months. Any later, the wedding would have been right on top of us.

So, James will start moving in this week, which will give him the weeks between the Jets play-offs and the Super Bowl to get settled in the TV hooked up(and if you knew my James, you would know what a big deal that is!). Then, little by little, I will bring my stuff over and then move myself in after the wedding (Yes, we are waiting until after we are married to live together).

We are prepared for the next few weeks to be a little crazy, but we are totally awe-struck when we sit back and think this over. Who would have thought a social services housing worker and a Christian school teacher on Long Island could have ever afforded to buy a home on Long Island???

It is beyond what we would have thought to ask - but not beyond what God would have thought:

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you," says the Lord,
"thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

~ Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)

Only God could have come up with this. Only God can make those crazy-shaped-pieces-that-don't-fit...fit.

Our new 2 bedroom 'cozy' cottage. Thank you, Jesus!

Movin' Out - Part 1

The big move. That has been on my mind the most this week. And on the floor of my apartment. This is just a small corner of the chaos I have been living in: The place is in disarray, but it is sort of metaphoric for my state of mind: scattered, disorganized, too much activity in one small place...but an current of excitement underneath it all.

On Monday coming up, we are closing on our house.

Ok, let me back up and tell you how we got here, before I start diving into the internal/mental/emotional/over-emotional aspects of the move.

It is so miraculous that we are in this position. Honestly. It was God. After we got engaged, we didn't really talk about where we would live; we just assumed that we would just rent an apartment. Realistically, that was all we could afford to do.

But one day James mentioned that a guy at work just bought a condo, and put x amount down and only pays y each month. He mentioned that we should look into it. I asked him if he was serious [James 'mentions' a lot of things] - because if he was, I would start researching. He was.

So, I did a few google searches, signed up for a real estate listing that popped up, and soon, I was getting email updates of homes for sale in the area we were looking in. OK, there were a few possibilities. Of some really cute homes. That we could afford.

I have a church friend who does mortgages, so I gave him a call and just asked him to run our numbers and see what he thought. Was this even a realistic possibility??? I told him how much money we had in hand, what we could probably afford a month, our salaries, debt, credit, etc. Did he think we could get approved for a mortgage and how much cash in hand did we need. And I wanted him to factor in every possible, potential cost. If it wasn't realistic, I didn't even want to get my hopes up.

He checked it out and said, 'Yeah, Katie. I can pre-approve you for x amount -and for an FHA (First-time Homebuyer's loan) putting only 3.5% down. With the cash you have, it should be no problem.' And the interest rate he thought we could get? About 5%.

Whoooaaaaa. Deep breath. 3.5% down - we can afford that. The cash in hand needed - we had that. The payments with those rates would be x dollars per month. We can afford that. And that is what we would probably be paying for rent for a 2 bedroom apartment anyway.

Ok. Another deep breath. So this really was a possibility.

All-righty then, here we go. I pulled together a list of addresses, and we went 'shopping' on November 1st. One of the houses on our list was actually having an open house that day. Just went on the market that week. In fact, it was my favorite of all the houses on my list. We went in, took a look around...and we were in love.

We were so excited about the possibility of this house. It was within walking distance from the beach, move-in condition, big kitchen, granite countertops...it seemed perfect for us. We could totally see ourselves raising a family here.

We put an offer in that week. Too low. Her realtors told us that the owner wasn't going to get into a bidding war. She just wanted best offers and then after a week, she would choose. We had met the owner when we were there and really felt a connection with her, so we thought we had a good chance. 'Unofficially,' our realtor told us that it was between us and another couple; the owner felt torn - liked us both. Our realtor said to write a letter...sometimes that can sway the vote. So I did - a darn touching letter, I might add - sincere and honest - but touching.

About a week later, we got the call.

She chose the other couple.

Defeat.

More to come on how this story played out in the next post...

{For those who have read this before, I decided to break the original story into two posts, due to length! Sorry for any confusion!}

Blog Envy - And Other Bits of Soul-Searching

Blogging has been an interesting leg of the 'journey.' Being fairly new to the blogging world, I remember trying to nail down my philosophy as far as what I was going to write - and to who. Was I writing for me? For you? How much energy and effort should I put into getting readers and followers? My first and second posts on my initial blog 'One Girl's Journey' kind of explored that a little.

It's been interesting to look back and see why I started blogging in the first place. And in the short time I have been doing it...it has caused me to do a little soul-searching.

A few other really good blogs I have come across sort of tackled some of the issues in blog-world. After the Altar had a really good post about blog-world being like high school - trying to get in with the 'popular crowd' so we get noticed (or read, in this case). Out of the Extraordinary put up a post about our tendency to be ruled by the amount of comments we get and if we get 'back-commented' (I mean, who hasn't been there?). And I came across a rebel blogger who just didn't care anymore if anyone read her blog - she was writing for herself. And I totally respect that.

But like I said, it has caused me to look again at my original purpose for blogging. I think it is fair to say a certain amount of 'evolution' might take place as we are all kind of putting ourselves out there and figuring out what kind of blogger we want to be (well, me at least).

But it has made me question even my own sincerity sometimes. Am I just writing what I think people will read - or what I feel inspired to write about? Am I commenting so someone will comment back? Do I become a follower of someone hoping they will become a follower of my blog? Am I just writing a certain way to get in with the popular 'blog crowd'? Am I trying to fit in and be like everyone else?

If that is the case, then that's pretty crappy. I think we all can smell insincerity a mile away.

So, it has caused me to re-think my blog and purposes for blogging. I feel like I am still kind of 'defining' what kind of blogger I am. For instance, take the title - 'One Girl's Journey to the Altar.' My original blog was just called 'One Girl's Journey.' My sister encouraged me to make a branch that focused on my wedding.

I have been doing this wedding blog thing steadily since the fall, and I have to say, I find myself wishing this leg of my 'blogging journey' hurries up and gets done because I am feeling a little confined by it. I mean, I love talking about my wedding, but it is not my entire life. Nor do I want it to be. And I have a hard time believing everyone out there is as interested in my wedding plans as I am.

I have nothing against girls whose blogs focus entirely on that - and I am all about idea-sharing - [I actually enjoy reading those kinds of blogs], but I don't know if that is for me. I have ideas and thoughts about lots of other things, and it feels restricting to me to only write about my wedding. And if you notice some of my posts, I haven't been able to stick with it. I try to put a 'wedding slant' on it to be true to the title, but it's like trying to make a shopping cart with a broken wheel go straight. Feels like a bit of a strain.

So, all of that to say... I have some ideas of where I think this is going. I actually have alot of ideas in my head, and I'm kinda excited. Not that it is going to be totally different - in fact, it might be kind of similar to what it is now - just tweaked a bit. And not to say that it might not have some of a 'catch' to it, but I will know in my heart it is what I want to do and I'm not doing it for the wrong reasons.

But I'm making a promise, at least to myself, that it is going to be true - to who I am and the kind of writer I want to be. Not imitating the blogs who have lots of followers and get lots of comments. Not gimmicky just to get my followers and comments up. It is going to be sincere -in what I write and in all my dealings with other bloggers. None of this 'give to get' kinda thing.

So, I'm not fully sure where it's all heading, but we'll see where the journey takes me. Being true to my commitment to be "honest and sincere", I will say that I would love to have you along for some of the ride. But if this is where you feel you need to part ways - all the best and Godspeed! Sincerely! And if you choose to come along for the ride...thank you, and I hope we can learn a little from each other.

So stay tuned!

Distracted: The Lure of the Sirens

It's getting bad. I have so much to do, and I am so distracted. This is not uncommon for me, but because I have so much to do with work, the wedding and the house, it is even more important that I focus. Well, the verdict is not looking so great for me today. :(

Today we get MLK Jr day off, and I had these lofty plans of spending the day getting my English essays graded (my 11th graders are taking the NY English Regents in two weeks).

The J-man and my nephew went to an Islanders game with his dad and nephew, so I saw them off about 11am. As a good fiancee, I lovingly offered to have dinner ready when they got back (I am trying really hard to learn how to cook), so that would necessitate a trip to the grocery store at some point. That's a valid distraction. I mean,we gotta eat, right?

Then, since I was off today, my mom wanted to go to Costco to get the card renewed (we have a joint membership). Of course, you can't say no to the woman who gave you birth?

OK, so Costco. Ohhhhh, Costco. Besides all the fun, super-size stuff (and free food samples!), they also have furniture! And that is where the distractions for the day really took off.

I just found out that we are OFFICIALLY closing on our new home next Monday! That is another post (oh my, did God ever put this together for us), but anyway, my eyes began to wander over to the furniture section in Costco. They had these microfiber sectionals (with the chaise). So nice! And the poor J-man will move in first...with only his bed, a chair, a coffee table, and some bookshelves. So what could a loving fiancee to do besides scope out some new furniture for her man, right?

I know I shouldn't really even look until we close make sure we have enough money to close, but I just started getting excited and couldn't stop myself. I sat down on the sofa and sank right in. So comfortable! Then, my mom says, "You know, you might want to jump on that. They probably won't have them for too long here." OK, if I was calm and patient at all before this, that was slowly becoming a faint memory.

I resisted doing anything drastic, but I couldn't get it off my mind. So, when I got home, I put the chili on (such an easy recipe - My sister at The Girl Creative hooked me up), tried to discipline myself to grade, but the evil-Siren-computer was singing: "This deal won't last forever. You really need to start looking today." I knew I had more immediate stuff to attend to, but the song was so.darn.convincing. Tie me to the mast of the boat! Odysseus, I feel your pain!

It happened slowly - I did make a valiant effort. I gave myself a time limit: "OK, it is 2:43. Just 17 more minutes and that's it.' And that worked. For awhile. At about 3:13, when I had graded about a paper and a half, I remembered that Ikea sells inexpensive furniture, too. Ok - but just for a minute.

Well, it is now 5:27 and I have gotten 7 essays graded. Not good.

But, in trying to work on my negative thinking make excuses to myself, on the bright side, I know that Craig's List has some good local options for house items, Ebay probably won't work because of the cost for shipping, and compared to other stores, what I saw at Costco is a pretty good deal.

So, the chili has been stirred tasted several times and is looking good, computer distractions have been mostly explored,and a new blog post is up. {I promise, my motivation was to write a post, get it out of my system so I can focus on the essays at hand.}

5:47 pm. I am signing off for the night, and all is right with the world.

Until the boys get home...