One Girl's Journey to the Altar

I Am Moving!

2012-01-01T23:48:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year! I'd be beyond shocked if my blog still showed up on anyone's reader, but on the chance that it might...

After hanging out below the radar for about a year or so, I am 'resolving' to get back into blogging. It seemed like too much work to try to change the theme but have my URL so clearly connected to 'wedding', so I opened up a new blog altogether.

The new blog is 'This Side of Eden' and the content will be a lot broader than just love and marriage. It would consider it an honor if you joined me over there.

I am also attempting Project 365 again this year - a picture for every day of the year. The blog site for that is 'A Hundred Affections.'

I realize I may be setting some lofty goals...here's to a new year!

Wherever life and/or your blogs take you this year - all the best!! :)

Many thanks...

2010-11-26T13:04:00.002-05:00

To those of you who are still following! It's been months, and my temptation is to feel sorrowful and apologetic for it (which I do)...

But my absence has been 'the right thing.'

Yes, my computer did crash, which 'forced' me to take a break...no time for blogging at work, lol. But even when my school most graciously provided me with a new laptop, I just felt this compelling inside to take a break from blogging.

It was hard, because it is something I have really grown to enjoy and really wanted to get better at. There are a vast amount of reasons I could have employed to convince me to get back into it. But something inside was telling me 'Not now.'

I can't really say why...maybe because I just needed to get my life in order to the point where blogging could fit into my life, and not where I could my life into my blogs. I just knew I needed to disengage from 'virtual reality' to spend more time in 'actual reality.'

I actually have a day off where I'm not swamped with grading, James is at work, and I refuse to step into a store on Black Friday. For the first time in about a year and a half, I feel sorta 'caught up' on my life.

So, here I am at the computer, at 1:08 pm, still in my bathrobe and glasses, and I just wanted to check in...on all of your blogs...and to just stop by and at least show I didn't just disappear without a trace.

I am hoping blogging with be in my future, for all the obvious reasons, which you all know, because you all blog...and I believe it will. We'll just have to see how it all unfolds.

Just as a catch- up, James and I are good. All the typical (I think) growing pains of the first year of marriage, which I think we are handling pretty well. Some a little more intense than others, but we are committed - to God, to each other, and to our marriage.

Life has been good for us overall...we realized how blessed we are, in spite of our challenges both marriage-related and otherwise.

I'm hoping to fill in the blanks as time allows...

Lord-willing, I'll be popping in on your lives again, albeit in a random manner, and I hope you will feel free to do the same.

All the best for a wonderful, thankful, and blessing-filled holiday season...

Dead and Gone...

2010-09-30T14:55:00.002-04:00

My laptop, that is. It had a long life... got it almost 5 years ago and it will not turn on. Almost sounds like it fires up and then shuts off. Bummer~!

So, this time, I have a legitimate excuse for my blogging absence. But I have to say, it is refreshingly freeing not having a computer at home! I miss it, but I am realizing I can survive without it.

As for blogging...I can't really blog too much at work (unless it is a little free time now before our teacher's meeting) - but I think that there is a plan in this mishap somehow.

We'll see how it unfolds.

Til later, my girls...

But we are all well and busy, getting into the fall groove...

Back

2010-09-16T13:20:00.004-04:00

To school, to routine...and hopefully to blogging.

The summer was so much more hectic than my school year, if that is even possible. But the routine, the schedule are back and I am in my glory. Even if it means my alarms goes off at 4:45 a.m.

My latest mission is to organize my life and prioritize. Trying to be very conscious of my time and how I manage it.

That has been a big switch since being married. I didn't think the time-factor would affect me all that much...James and I have never been the glued-at-the-hip type of couple. But living together, we do a lot more together (duh, obviously). But I guess I didn't anticipate not having as much time to just 'do what I do.'

I like it. A lot. But it's a work in progress. Trying not to put too much pressure on myself.

The latest in our world, post-summer:

James is finishing up one last college class, we are still getting (chiropractic) massages on Tuesday nights (the one good thing about his health insurance), the stray kitty we brought to the clinic to get spayed is pregnant, I am back in full swing teaching (and loving the fact that I am not planning a wedding at the same time), I am going to do a Beth Moore Bible study on my own (well, with my sister maybe), I go back to the nutritionist this after (5 lbs lighter) and we are zumba-ing at school on Fridays.

Oh, and baby sister is pregnant! Which has gotten me thinking....

Hope to be 'back' for good.

I Had Such High Hopes...

2010-09-03T23:07:00.002-04:00

...for the summer, that is. Not excessively grandiose, but some things I really thought I would be able to accomplish and feel good about it. Some I touched (barely), others...not so much.

Here is my report card (you can take the teacher out of the school but you can't take the school out of the teacher...)

1. Fitness - I didn't really exercise a ton more, but I got the gyms a few times, did some mountain biking and kayaking. And I did go to zumba class 3x! (We are starting a class with the teachers after school, too Whoo- hoo!) I went to a nutritionist 2 weeks ago and I have been making some good life-styles changes (and lost 5 lbs of the post-wedding gain!), so I feel like I made some progress.

2. Nesting - none at all. Zero. I did not paint one wall or hang one picture. Just didn't have it in me. Just didn't feel like making any more decisions or anything that required thought! Planning the wedding wiped me out! lol I did plant some hostas that a friend gave me...but only because they would die if they didn't get planted immediately - and I couldn't waste a friend's generous gift.

3. Spiritual - my saddest disappointment. I didn't get on track like I wanted to. Not sure how to resolve that yet. I struggled with what to do for a Bible study or what to read in my quiet time. I do better with structure, but my mornings were erratic this summer with my three jobs, James' schedule, getting up at a different time every day. I just couldn't find my rhythm...but I still felt Him close to me in spite of my short-comings. We did have some moments...

4. Marriage - I didn't spend a lot of time reading like I wanted to. I started Sacred Marriage and flipped through a few others, but didn't get through any of them. James did order us a marriage series on DVD, so I am excited for that. But I didn't 'book-learn' like I wanted to.

5. Blogging - Well, that's obvious. :(

As you can sadly see, my last post was almost a month ago. :(

But I had so many stories to tell (and good ones!) I have a handful of half-written drafts saved that never made it to the page. It wasn't even the 'perfectionist-in-me' that kept them from being posted.

Honestly? Time and energy.

The three jobs this summer wiped.me.out. The continual adjustment to marriage took more time than I had anticipated (in a good way). Some of it was just being lazy...summer does that to me after a school year of teaching, especially this past year.

Hopefully, a few of those posts will make it out here, at some point. I am still struggling to see where and how blogging fits in my life. I love it ...but the hours in a day just don't seem to cooperate. I'm not giving up yet, though...

6. Friends - I did get to catch up with a few friends I haven't seen in a while, so I feel pretty good about that. Not all, but a few. And that counts.

7. Professional - Nope, not so much. I did a little work while I was working in the school office this summer, so that was super-helpful and got me caught up, if not ahead. So, at least I'm starting the year on level ground.

8. Fun and Relaxation -Now that I think about it...yeah, we did that :) We went away a few weekends, spent lots of nights BBQing in the backyard or watching moving, going out to eat, taking drives, playing yahtze, speculating our future plans...

And actually, now that I reflect on it...that probably was the most important thing I could have done this summer: spend time with my husband, building a strong foundation for our relationship. We had a lot of stress and anxiety going into the wedding - and the end of the school year was stressful for me as well. It was so nice to just enjoy each other. I remember feeling relaxed with James and laughing a lot. I definitely feel like we got closer and became more of a team.

I had such high hopes for the summer. Like I do every summer. And I think that this summer, I am going to do it, no matter what! Well...

You win some, you lose some. And that is just how it goes.

The Marriage of Mr. Random and Ms. Routine

2010-08-05T19:40:00.005-04:00

I've thought for about a week or so what I was going to blog about next - and I've got a bunch of thoughts and ideas (which inevitably come when I'm driving)

....and I think I hit a slump. :(

I felt a little better when a few of my favorite blog writers have been a little lax in posting as well. Maybe not for the same reason, but I was a little relieved that at least my irregularity in posting lately has good company.

I hate to blame everything on the adjustments of being married (and blame isn't really the right feel I'm going for), but I sort of feel like blogging is just one more thing I can't seem to a get a rhythm in. I just can't seem to find my groove in anything lately.

I'm a teacher and a routine-addict by nature, so being 'off' for the summer is, ironically, a little hard for me (if you could call having 3 jobs 'off'). I guess what I mean is the irregularity is hard for me. I feel like I even need to plan my free time.

I like my world to function in routines, in systems, in structures...I guess that is easier when you are single, when you are in control (or at least have the illusion of control) of your own world.

I don't mean James is in control of my world now (although sometimes he likes to think he is :) ) but just the awareness of someone else to consider in just about everything...well, it takes getting used to.

And James is the total opposite of a routine-guy. He is Mr. Random. He likes to 'feel' what we should do next...and see how things 'evolve.'

I am learning to find the joy in that and actually, when I let myself, it is sort of refreshing to let go of control of all my micro-managing (at least, the micro-managing I do in my mind). I'm finding fun in the spontaneity and just letting a day 'evolve' or seeing where we end up. And it has resulted in some cool excursions and experiences.

I'm struggling a bit with wanting to prioritize my marriage and our relationship - and finding time to do some of the things I enjoy - and need to do also. Now, James doesn't keep me from this...it is probably just some of the internal conflict inside of me. Add perfectionism to my routine-addiction- and....well... I guess I like routines because I like to do everything right.

Which leads me to my slump in blogging. The perfect post, the perfect topic, the perfect voice...which equal a blog that never gets posted.

I know, I need to break that mind set.

So, in the spirit of breaking out of my rut and perfectionism and releasing my claw grip on my-so-called-structured-life...

...in learning just to 'be' and sometimes just let things 'evolve', even if it is not planned and perfect....

I am posting this blog 'as-is'.

Reasons Why I Should Divorce Facebook (But I Probably Won't)

2010-07-23T10:40:00.006-04:00

OK, so I will be the bad guy and say what I am sure many of us are thinking about Facebook. I, for one, admit, that I have this love/hate, addictionto/disgustwith Facebook. At the same time I am both annoyed by it and magnetically sucked into it.

So, here are some reasons, in no particular order, why I should divorce Facebook (but I probably won't):

10. Annoying Attention Seekers: These can be both positive and negative, but their status updates scream, "Everyone! Hey Everyone! Yoo -hooo! Look at me!"

It could be positive attention, sounding like: "My husband wastes so much money! I got flowers again for the 10th day in a row! (heart). I wish he wouldn't spend so much on me!" I mean, come on - what is the purpose of this? We are all smarter than that!

Or, it could be negative attention and sound something like this: "Why doesn't anything in my life ever go right? I must be cursed because my life just could not get any worse." I legitimately feel badly for this person, but what is the purpose of putting it on Facebook for everyone to see? Calling a good friend might be a better option? Now, this leads me to my next point:

9. Obligatory Commenting: Now that I have seen these above-mentioned posts (or birthdays or whatever), I usually feel obligated to comment. Even though that person might not know I have seen it, I know I have seen it - and I feel the pressure to say something. This can also be applied to people who comment on your wall or send you messages. Now typically, people who comment and whose comments we see are people we have 'friended' - but sometimes the source of this problem is this:

8. Awkward Friend Requests: Someone found you. And you didn't necessarily want to be found. What do you do with that??? Do you become friends with them out of obligation? Decline? Ignore? I admit, I usually take the cowardly way out and just do nothing. I don't accept, ignore, or decline; I just keep the request hanging out there in cyber FB. But honestly, I don't really want to invite anyone into my personal world that I am not comfortable having in there. Not that I am hiding anything, but you just never know. And as a teacher, I get a LOT of friend request from kids in my school that I do not even know. Don't want to hurt their feelings, but sorry...

7. Useless Minutia:

Status update - "Hey, I am going out for a run!"
30 minutes later: "What a great run! Now I gotta feed the dog!"
4 minutes later: " Junior is such a cute pup! I'm so lucky to have him!"
2 minutes later: "Going to make myself an egg-white omelet."

Do we really need to know about every.single.detail of a person's life in minute-by-minute intervals? Can I just say what most of us are thinking : "Who cares!!!!!!"( Is that mean???)

6. 700 Pictures of the Family Vacation: I am all for sharing pictures, but is it necessary to include every.single.shot. from Disney World? Do you think people are really going to look at all 700? Just a few of the highlights will suffice. Which leads me to my next point, which is even more annoying:

5. Endless Array of Self-Portraits: I mean, what are we doing here? If not for everyone to look at us, why - not only just take a thousand shots - but post them??? Does everyone need to see every picture a person has ever taken of him/herself? With every slight variation possible? 'Here's one of me with my head to the right, smiling.' 'Here is one of me with my head to the left, smiling.' 'Here's one of me with my chin tilted up, just slightly...' etc, etc, etc. The one that drives me crazy: that pucker-face-bad-girl-pout-with-slanted-peace-sign-across-the-chest-look. Don't mean to offend anyone, but grrrrrr!! I can understand if you are a teenager- maybe even a college student- but you are 45!!!!

4. Obsessive Profile Picture Changes: I don't understand why people change their profile pictures every other day. Have you really changed that much? I am fine with updating pictures in your album, but does everyone need to see a new picture of you every day?

3. Colossial Time Waster: Enough said. I am so guilty of this. My night usually goes something like this: "OK, it is 9:38 pm. I am only going to stay on Facebook until 9:45" (it has be an easily-rounded time, of course). And, typically, one page leads to another... and then I am saying, "OK, just until 10pm. I'll give myself 15 more minutes and then that's it!" Repeat this process several times through out the day, and I am frightened to see how much time I've wasted.

2. Creepers: These people just seem to know too much about people's lives. It's true, there are some people I've accepted as friends that I probably would have preferred not to, but it seemed harmless at the time. However, there are some people that sort of have this creepy-stalker-quality to them and based on conversation (or messages) with them at later points, it just seems they were a little too interested... In their defense, yes - I put it out there, and I accepted the friend request but...OK, fine, this one is probably my own fault, then.

1. Too Much Information: This could be in wall posts or pictures - but some details of life should really just be kept private - or at least only revealed to those who know us best. Some things are just better left unsaid - and some pictures (both mental and actual) are better left unseen by the outside world. I would say my students are guilty of this alot. Did you forget that you have teachers as friends? Did you really want your teachers to see that? Or know that? Especially when you are soliciting answers for tomorrow's homework. And more often than not, seeing my students' - both current and former - FB page has made me sad at some of the directions they have taken.

So, these are reasons why I should divorce FB. So, why don't I? Well, even though I have been guilty of some (or all) of these at times, maybe I'm a little nosy? Don't want to be out of the loop? And honestly, I do like it to keep in touch with far-away-friends - and close-by ones who I can't keep in touch with the way I'd like to.

I have even been able to re-connect with some old friends I never would have otherwise. I actually just had an ice-cream date with my best friend from 3rd grade who found me on FB. Hadn't seen her in about 25 years. And that was awesome.

It's nice to be able to keep up with people. I like being able to message my sister here and there through out the day and know some of the little details of her and my nieces. Sometimes some posts are thought-provoking. And sometimes it is a very fast, effective way to communicate quickly and to a lot of people.

And sometimes, I think God can use us to encourage or pray for some of those posts we see, annoying or not. And sometimes, someone will post a thought or a verse that we really needed to hear.

The downside is ...well...all of the above... And sometimes, it can take the place of real, face-to-face relationships with these people - or even the people who are actually in our lives because we are consumed with FB.

Overall, my biggest complaint is the narcissicism it can breed. Sometimes, I feel like people use FB to just scream, "LOOK AT ME!!!!" The sad thing is that I feel like that is so indicative of our culture. We are so self-obsessed. Me, me, me. As much as I loathe it, I sometimes find myself getting swept into that current and guilty of some of the same things I hate.

If anything, FB sometimes forces me to keep it real with myself. Katie, be careful not to look at the speck in my FB friend's eye while I have a big, fat plank in my own (yes, I even did that pucker-bad-girl-pose with some of my students a few years ago, now that I think about it).

Maybe I should re-read my own list and I'll get back to you later...

PS - Don't forget that today is New Friend Friday at my sister's page- The Girl Creative!

A Year Ago, It All Started...

2010-07-21T21:11:00.009-04:00

So, this weekend, James and I celebrated our 'engagement anniversary.' (For the record, James says we can only celebrate it this year. He says he cannot be responsible to remember more than one anniversary date.)

On July 18, 2009, we got engaged (full story here) and so it all began.

And since then, it has been a 12-month whirlwind (you can read about that here).

Our engagement day was actually one of our happiest - we got engaged at Montauk Point at sunrise.

It had been my hope that maybe we could go back for the weekend, but money, time and energy prevented it. Part of me wanted to push and make it happen (I am all about making memories), but the practical side won out.

But we had a great day...went out for breakfast (like we did the morning we got engaged), did a little shopping, ran a few errands (James got glasses! He looks like a such a wonderfully smart and handsome nerd! lol...He can't wait to bring them to work and use the pseudo-intelligent look to his advantage! He is the ultimate spin-master and can use anything to his advantage.)

And our night was topped off by seeing the L.I. Philharmonic in the park - VIP tickets and all (well, that just means better parking and sitting close up. In chairs. And being able to use the luxury trailer porter-potties, which, actually, were really nice. And you know how frequently I am in need of a good place to pee. Couldn't just go in the woods this time.)

Well, we actually just spread our blanket in the corner anyway, and...

with some great music...

and good friends...

a little wine-cheese-and-crackers by moonlight ....

and a top-of-the-line-fireworks show....

we celebrated our engagement.

It was cool to look back and see all that has transpired in the past 12 months. I am definitely one of those annoying people who frequently says things like, "This time last year, we were...." 'This time last year...we just got engaged. And now, just a year later, the wedding is behind us, we bought a house, and we have been married for 4 months now. Who would have thought last summer, that this time, just a year later, we would be married for 4 month, the wedding would be behind us and we would have bought a house???'

Back then, it was all just so nebulous and vague. There was no way we could have predicted how the year would unfold. But in retrospect, God just put the pieces in place in a way we could have never planned if we tried.

So, in the only year that I get to celebrate my engagement...we made the most of it. And it definitely feels different now that we are married, and not just dating. And not just engaged. I've reflected on this before, but our relationship just seems more real, more solid, more substantial and tangible. Like we are a solidified team. Committed. A family. Part of each other. Marriage does that.

And we actually went down to Great South Bay and stayed there til the sun came up (even though I hate staying up late!). In all honesty, it was kind of a deep night in the way of sharing. Not all of it easy...but it was good. Because, like it is supposed to do - I think it brought us closer. More of the nitty-gritty-talking-things-through that people should do in relationships to keep it honest, real and intimate. And although I don't think it was really tied up neatly with a bow by the morning, it felt good to do it. And I am glad we did. And I know it makes us stronger.

The cherry on top was that we saw this enormous sun rising as we drove home. I mean it was huge!!! Took up the whole horizon and it was this crazy mix of pink and orange both at the same time (Camera batteries were dead. #$%$#%^&!!) But I said to James this was the sunrise we should have gotten on our engagement morning (we got engaged at sunrise but it was a cloudy morning...no actual sun).

I sort of thought it was kind of symbolic in the way that there will always be new beginnings in relationships, fresh starts and new things to come. It's always a new day.

Camping Part 4: The Final Episode

2010-07-15T13:41:00.008-04:00

After sleep finally found us, we got up pretty early because we had a 9am date with the kayak people. As I went to the jeep, I saw the neighbors up and about...I tried to look normal and have a natural smile on my face, but all in all, I just avoided eye contact. I had no animosity, really, (no, really) towards them, but I just thought it best to steer clear altogether.

We had a great 4th of July kayaking down the Delaware Water Gap. Picture perfect, so I'll just let the pictures tell the story:

Here we are before we start our 4th of July Kayak Trip (about 8 miles or so)

That's my man! I love this picture of him!

The guide had told us to stay to the right of the island because it was too shallow on the left.
Guess who just had to go left???

I didn't go left, so I busied myself on the island by taking a pee break (of course)
and taking pictures of myself while I waited for him.

Some sights along the way:

Nice 4th of July Surprise for those on the water!

A bald eagle! On 4th of July! Perfect!

Dingman's Bridge, right by the campground. Almost there.
And I was just about done by this point.

So, this was Sunday. We were both off for July 5th, and James was off for July 6th as well. All weekend he had been trying to convince me to call my two summer jobs (both of which I was starting my summer hours on the 6th) to see if I could skip Tues. I was sort of on the fence - at least about calling and asking - but once we got the new neighbors, James sort of lost his enthusiasm for the extra day.

Checkout was noon the next day, but he was hoping we could go for a hike in the morning and then check out later on on Monday, so we could use the showers.

After kayaking, we stopped at the general store to find out about it. Now, I was waiting in the car and James went in. After a few minutes of waiting, a guy wearing a 'Staff' T-shirt came storming out, spewed more than a few choice words, got into the camp van, slammed the door and sped off, leaving the trail of dust behind him. All I was thinking was, 'Oh my gosh...what did James do???'

Then,another younger guy came out next and went over to the girl who had been standing outside with her dog. I heard him say:

"Yeah, that guy who was on the other side of that tent was talking to the owners about the people who came last night. Turns out they aren't even allowed to be here. They never registered or paid."

OK, so that explained the angry guy.

The girl said, "See? I told you we should have said something about them! We are too easy!"

Well, it turned out the young couple were actually from site 3, the other people unfortunate enough to be on the opposite side of our new neighbors. In just another minute, James walked out and I grilled him: "What just happened in there?"

"Well, I was asking about us staying the extra half day, seeing if anyone was registered to be in our site tomorrow night. I told them that we had contemplated staying another day, but we weren't crazy about our new neighbors. The guy had a weird look on his face and said, 'What new neighbors?' I told him, 'The people who showed up late last night at site 4...with all the cackling and yelping.' The guy said, 'There is nobody registered to be at site 4. That site is empty.' So I said, 'Well, it's not empty now.'

And that was where I saw the angry staffer storm out. So....after all the upset the night before, those people had snuck in without paying or registering????? After the shock of their audacity sunk in, their stupidity soon followed.

I mean, if you are going to sneak in someplace, wouldn't you try to be as inconspicuous and quiet as possible???? Why would you draw unneeded attention to yourself??? Maybe they had done this before and no one had ever found out???

I told James about the guy I had seen leaving, and then about the young guy and girl and what they had said. James later told me that when he went to talk to the girls the night before, he heard someone from site 3 unzip their tent window - I guess to watch and listen. Apparently, we weren't the only ones disturbed.

So, when we got back to our site, we had missed the altercation, but our neighbors at site 4 were soon to be our neighbors no more. They were packing up- I guess they got the boot. I kind of felt bad, but then, I didn't. They had done something dishonest - and disturbed the honest, paying people while doing it. That's what happens.

And we hadn't turned them in on purpose. We were just looking to see if we could stay an extra day. James didn't intentionally get them in trouble; but it was a good idea for the owners to know that some of their guests (well, freeloaders) were disturbing other (paying) guests.

Besides our adventures with our neighbors, we had another bit of excitement: we saw a bear! Well, James did. He has eyes like a hawk and can see anything. I grabbed my camera, which has a killer zoom, and this is what I got:

I know it looks like a brown blur, but I promise! It was a bear!

In a returned state of peace and serenity, we finished out our last night grilling steaks after a long day on the water, hanging out by the fire and listening to music on our CD player with all 8 C batteries. I even pushed myself to stay up as late as James was - which was sometime around 3 am (and I hate staying up late!).

The next morning, we got up after sleeping in a little, packed up camp and headed home. Here is our friend at Dingman's Toll Bridge. This was really how they took the toll! She did not look happy.

So, all in all, I'd say a successful first camping trip. With all of the bumps, upsets, and unexpected disturbances, we still love each other - and actually - we still like each other. And we'd do it again. And honestly, I think it served us well. Not only did it give us time to just hang out uninterrupted and doing some things we love, we had lots of time to talk and contemplate, which we don't always have the luxury of. I felt like we were closer for the experience.

So if camping really tests the strength of a marriage, I think we are off to a pretty decent start.

{PS - Be sure to visit the Girl Creative for New Friend Friday. Buttons on right :) }

Camping Part 3: Sharing Spaces

2010-07-13T20:53:00.007-04:00

If you have been tracking our camping adventures both here and here, I left with our desperate quest for coffee, which, thankyoudingmangeneralstore, we had in our systems soon enough without incident.

After a morning of settling in, we decided to bike the trails a bit...of course we got lost, which seems to be our M.O. After trying to scout around to find the trail again (why don't they mark those things???), trekking across the dried up riverbed (with no bridge) and taking a pee break (it was getting annoying that James could pee whenever he wanted to, so the heck with it - we were camping), we somehow found the park ranger station, where the park ranger informed us that we had taken a wrong turn and ended up on the ranger fitness trail.

After a short detour to the Visitor's Center for a short nature walk to the waterfalls, we biked back without incident again and by this time, we were ready to shower and head to Shawnee Mountain in the Poconos to see the pre-4th-of-July fireworks.

Dingman's Waterfall (not my picture).

Fortuitously enough we made it to the showers just in time, as it seemed most of the campground was heading to Shawnee as well.

OK, let me insert here - showers. Facilities weren't too bad, but there were only two bathhouses - each with two toilets and two showers for women. Now, there were over 100 campsites. And 4 showers???? Obviously a man came up with that design. So you can appreciate my luck having gotten to the showers before the rush. So, I got out and saw this woman and a family of about 9 kids all standing there, just staring at me when I walked out. My eyes were as big as half-dollars when I walked out of the shower, saw the crowd and gave them this crooked, awkward half-smile. Kinda awkward for everyone, I think. That I was not expecting to see that was an understatement. Fortuitous indeed.

At Shawnee was a sort of festival before the celebration, but we got the inside scoop that the parking lot was actually the better place to watch the fireworks. And you could beat some of the crowd out of the parking lot.

Just as it was getting close to show-time, I said to James, "I have to pee." (This was becoming a bad habit).

"Go in the woods."(This also was becoming a bad habit.)

"James, we are in civilization now. I just can't keep peeing wherever and whenever I want to. Not everyone here just came from the woods."

"Wait til the fireworks start. No one will even notice. "

Well, it seemed reasonable, so I agreed. Sure, I would probably need to be retrained when we got home, that I just couldn't pee wherever I wanted to, but hey, we were where we were.

Finally the lights went out and I made my move. Sandwiched between two cars, I went to the edge of the woods and crouched. Then all of the sudden - after I started, I heard, "Would every one please rise for 'The Star-Spangled Banner'."

Oh my gosh. No, he did not just say that! Crap! I am peeing during the national anthem! That is so disrespectful!!!

James turned and glared at me, and I just shrugged and gave him a look that said, 'This was your idea!'

What could I do?? I was past the point of no return. Then there was this silent pause, and all you could hear was the pee hitting the leaves. Loudly. James turned and gave me this look as if to say, 'Shhhhh!' But there was nothing I could do! All the sudden, James started to kick the gravel and to cough really loud. Finally, the singing started and I could hear James singing. Loudly - but this time, on purpose.

Finally, I got done and James said to me, 'I can't believe you peed during the Star-Spangled Banner."

Traitor!

Well, the show was great and we didn't get caught behind too many bad drivers (i.e. everyone else) on the way home, but we were looking forward to relaxing around the fire and getting to bed early because we were kayaking the next day.

This is a small sampling of our fireworks show.

(I had to put her in because my sister and I used to do this every 4th of July!)

So, we got back and were relieved to see that site 4, the site next to ours was still empty. We had set up our tent as sort of a barrier to site 4, and the other side was just the woods and our band of Asian friends just beyond the woods. It seemed like we would have the privacy we wanted. This is sort of the set-up. Picture the tent to James' left, almost right in front of the picnic table:

This is our tent, blocking site 4.

Well, we were chilling out around the fire....probably around 11pm, and all the sudden I saw lights through our tent and heard the slamming of car doors.

"Hon, looks like site 4 is taken."

Immediately, I could see that James was getting distracted, tense, and irritated that we had been invaded. Well, it was late, and I was sure they would be quiet and courteous.

Then this silence-shattering-cackling pierced our serenity. We just looked at each other in disbelief. Was she for real???

It got worse. First of all, it was all girls. Enough said. Then, full-volume voices, laughing, giggling, cackling, shrieking, yelping, screeching...and a car alarm that went off every.single.time they went into the car to unload another piece of equipment. And the laughter that followed it.

Didn't they know about the quiet hours at the campground? Which had actually passed over an hour before? Didn't they realize they had neighbors? Or there were little kids sleeping near by?

Now, this was the icing on the cake for James who had been patient with our little Asian children-neighbors playing games right near our site well past dark (he got it - they are kids camping and having some innocent fun); James, who had been slightly less patient with the French-speaking Arab guys who decided they wanted to lay right next to my jeep, on our site, and talk and watch the stars together? (Which, in response, James just stood near our jeep and stared at them until they left. I mean, go lay on your own site! I don't get it!)

So already bear-like when his serenity is interrupted, this was, as I said, the proverbial icing on the cake. Now, I am typically non-confrontational, but this was ridiculous. Absolutely no respect for the rules of the campground or the people nearby. Or at least no understanding of it.

"Go say something to them!"

And James, who is definitely not-non-confrontational, didn't need much coaxing.

"Just be nice to them!"

Well, James was composed enough that I couldn't hear what he said to them, which was a good thing. So he came back and I said, 'So what did you say????'

"I just said, 'Ladies, I understand that you just got here. That it is dark and you have to set up. But do ya think you could do it without all the screeching and yelping???? I know you may not have known this since you probably didn't get a chance to check in, but there are quiet hours here.' "

"Did you really say that???

"Yeah, I said that. They just looked at me and then were like, 'Oh, Ok. Ok."

In retrospect, I don't know if we had the most Christ-like attitude or response. Maybe we should have offered to help them. Maybe I should have been more sympathetic, since we were in a similar predicament the night before. But honestly, even with our frustration, we didn't inflict it on our neighbors. And they definitely didn't sound frustrated.

I kinda felt bad, but then, not really.

So, they did lower their voices...until I heard them on a cell phone - well, more like a Nextel because I could hear the whole conversation (well, sort of, they weren't fully speaking English). And they were giving directions for someone else to come to their site. Are you kidding? How many of them were there???

Unfortunately, even all the lowered voices didn't resolve the problem of the car alarm. I mean it - seriously, every.five.minutes.

Finally - and actually thankfully - we decided to call it a night. This was getting unbearable.

"Where is the Tylenol PM? I'm taking that and Nyquil. I wanna be knocked out."

We got into bed and finally, all seemed quiet. Only faint whispering and movement. It seemed too good to be true.

Unfortunately, it was.

"Reeerer.....Reerer.....Reerer.....Reeeeeeeerer......Reeeeeeerer...."

"I'll turn that car alarm off myself..." James said as he started getting out of bed.

"Lay down, baby. Here, take my earplugs...that will help."

He stopped for a minute and was actually assessing which was the lesser of the evils: smashing their car or taking the chance that if he died in his sleep, he would be found wearing hot pink earplugs.

He wisely decided that, quite accurately and contrary to all appearances, the hot pink earplugs were actually the manliest choice.

And thankfully, we have no more recollection of what else happened that night because we were fortunate enough that sleep finally found us.

More adventures to come...(Wait til you hear the rest of the story with our new neighbors!!!)

Camping: Part 2 - The Next Morning

2010-07-11T19:08:00.004-04:00

Picking up where I left off from the last post, I decided to call it a night while James listened to his I-pod. Sometime in the middle of the night...er....morning, I heard this singing. Loud singing. Oh geez, James had I-pod on and was singing...sorta loudly...

I thought it might only be for a song...but then, it just kept going. I started getting stressed and anxious; our spot was secluded, but the neighbors weren't that far.

I was getting so antsy and worried that I finally dragged myself off the air mattress, out of the protection of my covers, and into the chilly morning air (It was probably about 55-60 degrees. In July).

I fumbled around to get myself out from the tent.

Ziiiip, ziiiiip.

My contacts were out, so I couldn't see more than a few inches in front of me. Being too lazy to find flip-flips to actually step out and talk to James, I stuck my head out of the zipper and sort of whispered...loudly, 'Honey, you are singing kind of loud!'

I couldn't tell if he heard me or acknowledged it...because I couldn't see anything. So, just in case, I repeated myself: "Honey, you are singing kinda loud! We have neighbors."

I didn't really wait for a response - one, because I couldn't see; two, because I couldn't hear (earplugs). So I zipped myself back in and tried to go back to sleep. At this point, I'm freezing, tired, cranky....

James joined me a little later, and we slept in. I found out later that he never heard me; he just filled in what he didn't hear: he thought I said that I was mad that he was up late and that I wanted him to come to bed (Not the case at all, actually - just concerned about the neighbors; I'm pretty used to his nocturnal ways).

Well, in his classic self-redemptive way, he used this marital miscommunication to capitalize on a fortuitous comedy opportunity and developed it into this "demon-woman" routine.

"So, I hear this angry 'zip, zip' - and then this demon woman comes out of the tent.{Insert claws, scary demon snarl and scary demon face here} She comes out with this crazy hair and angry look and she hisses, 'Kkkkkkkkk' and then she turns around and 'zip, zip'. Back she goes into her lair..." he said with this self-satisfied chuckle.

Anyway, he seemed pretty impressed with himself and his joke and kept going. And going. And repeating it. And gave himself a good laugh. Every time. Several times. Over and over.

Obviously, that image didn't go over well with me and he stopped. Finally. Demon-woman...pleeeease!!! He has not even come close to seeing demon-woman from me!

Finally, mid-morning and groggy, we got up. I didn't really know the lay of the land yet, and I really had to pee.

"Just go in the woods," James said.

Now, I have been on many missions trips and have had to pee in the craziest foreign 'bathrooms' (I use that word loosely), so I wasn't opposed to this. But I could kind of hear voices around us, and I didn't know just how close our neighbors actually were.

Well, I went to the most private corner of our circle and dropped 'em. Just as I finished my business, I heard these voices getting dangerously close. Then, around the bend, this little band of Asian children appeared. What the.....???

Turned out they were at the group area of the campground which was right next to us,and they were exploring a dried-up riverbed that ran right behind our site. Well, let me tell you, if they had been about 15 seconds earlier, they would have discovered way more than I am sure they were looking for.

At the same time, James went to set up the little propane burner to make some coffee. "All I want is a cup of coffee." And I am feeling good right now: we have coffee, we have a camping coffee pot.

Well, James went to set up the burner... and...the propane container didn't fit.

"Is this the one that goes with this stove?"

"Well, it was near it in the store."

"Did you ask anyone?"

"Well....there was no one around to ask. I was kind of in a rush. I didn't know there was more than one kind."

Silence.

"All I wanted was a cup of coffee...."

OK, nix the home-brewed coffee. We knew the general store on the grounds had fresh coffee, so the general store to the rescue (several times that weekend, actually. I owe them a lot, including my marital cohesiveness for the weekend).

Well, in spite of our rough beginning, once we set up our tent and our area, got the batteries, the right propane, the wood for the fire and our cure-all - coffee, we started to settle into a rhythm for the weekend..

More adventures to come...

Camping: The Real Test of a Marriage's Strength (Part 1)

2010-07-09T06:05:00.015-04:00

Or, so I have been told. And maybe experienced....just a little.

So we had decided a while ago to go camping for 4th of July weekend. Initially, we were going to a local park, only about 30 minutes from our house. But with the heatwave and all, James thought it would be better to go where there might be some water nearby. Fine by me.

Well, we lost about $50 by not going to the original park (Suffolk County is so lame in how they set this system up but that's another story), but we took the loss and headed to the Delaware Water Gap.

Now, I've been camping several times and love it, but I have never been the one to be in charge of the trip - you know, packing up all the gear, buying everything we need, etc.

I had a pretty extensive list and I kept my pad handy every time another thought crossed my mind. James threw a few reminders my way, so I thought I really had my bases covered. So while James was at work on Friday, I was running all over L.I. buying the essentials. I mean, I had nothing. A few old flashlights, some paper plates, bug spray, but that was about it.

So, I got the tent (this great 9-man tent James had seen that he loved - I was so glad I found it), the air mattress (I cannot do hard ground), a pump, the lantern, the propane stove, propane, the table grill, the coffee pot, batteries...all what I thought were the essentials. Then food. Then packing up. I felt this fun, wifely excitement getting all of this for our first camping trip together. But I did feel a little nervous...hoping I wouldn't forget anything.

We actually made great time and hit minimal traffic, which is unusual getting off Long Island on a regular day, let alone a holiday weekend. But I knew James just wanted to get there, and all of the bad drivers (i.e. everyone else) were making him a little edgey.

We arrived to our spot about 10pm... and that was when the "fun" began.

We had this great spot that was surrounded by woods, so we loved the seclusion. But we realized that we couldn't pull the car right up to the spot...and therefore, no light. We started lugging our gear to the spot, and I was digging through everything to find the lantern and praying I brought the right amount of batteries. Ok, success. So I did my best to shine the headlights on our spot, and the lantern provided some extra light.

"Where are the other lanterns?"

"Other lanterns?"

Silence.

"I only bought one."

I soon realized that all of the other flashlights I had dug up to bring with us (I'm so cheap - why buy new ones when we have them?) were either not working or severely inadequate. And I can see James' frustration starting to build.

And then I pulled out the tent that he has to set up. In the dark. With minimal light. For the first time. After a long day of work. And a three-hour drive.

Now, the idea of a 9 person tent seemed awesome while I was in the store that day...in broad daylight...in an air-conditioned store...in civilization. As the reality set in that it was dark, late, and the first time James had even seen this more complex tent, let alone set it up - well, maybe it wasn't such a great idea? In his delicate way, James off-handedly suggested that a quick 2-man pop-up might have been better, given the circumstances? Point noted.

Well, it's what we had and I was sure we'd love it once we were in it...we couldn't exactly pack up and go home. So, like a good husband, James set out to set it up, and he said, "OK, where's the hammer?"

Oh, crap. Hammer?

"I didn't bring a hammer. I'm so sorry, honey. I didn't even think of a hammer."

Silence.

Oh gosh, this isn't good. So, ingenious that he is, we found a small boulder near by which would have to do...but it didn't. It cracked one of the plastic buckles. So, we ended up digging up part of my car jack to do the trick.

While he was doing that, I thought it best to remove myself from the scenario and let him figure it out, so I went to go get some wood. And I am praying the whole time, "Jesus, give him strength, give him wisdom, help him to figure this out without problems..."

I came back and saw the tent starting to take shape and felt relieved, but still thought it wise to make myself scarce. So, I did the best I could to be helpful, unload the car and stay out of his way.

To his credit, he did amazingly, which I knew he would. I could tell he was super-frustrated, but he handled it great and the tent came together. After an hour and a half.

Considering the circumstances, not too bad.

At about 1am or so, I was wrecked, and he was all wired. I decided to crash, and he just wanted to stay up, unwind, sit by the fire and listen to some music.

Music. The CD player. I knew I bought batteries. Where were they????

Thankfully, I found the package and as James is putting them in, he asked, "Where's the other package?"

"Other package?"

"Yeah, it takes 8 batteries. There's only 4 here. Did you look to see how many you needed?"

"I looked to see that we needed C batteries... I didn't count."

Silence.

"Maybe you could listen to your I-pod instead?"

Silence.

I've heard in camping that when you encounter a bear, it is best to slip away quietly, unnoticed....

"OK, goodnight, honey...I'll see you in the morning..."

Stay tuned for the next episode. But here are some pics from our weekend homestead and the beautiful tent James set:

State of The Our Union: The First 90 Days

2010-06-27T21:45:00.003-04:00

This Saturday marked 3 months of ~~marriage~~ marital bliss - the first 90 days. I figured it was a good time to look back and reflect just a little.

Many well-meaning people ask me all the time - 'So how's married life?' I am sure, most of the time, it is the courteous question to ask - very similar to the 'How are you?': polite to ask but they don't really want to know.

And honestly, I don't always want to tell. Again, I know they are well-intended and are assuming it has been marital bliss. But it is funny - because lots of people will tell you that the first year can be the most challenging, but when people ask how married life is, they just expect you to say 'It is so awesome!'

To complicate a very simple question even more, I am the kind of person who hates to answer, 'Fine!' 'Great!' to the 'how are you' question if my ENTIRE life is not fine or great. Most of it might be, but if there is even just one area that is not, I feel I am being dishonest by saying 'fine' or 'great.' That's just me- black and white, all or nothing. Can make life a little difficult. So I feel a little internal obligation to elaborate (not that I always do - I just feel it), even though the question really does just require a 'fine' or 'great.'

Anyway, I digress majorly. So, the 'How's married life?' question. The first 90 days:

In general, it has been great. I love living with James and having someone around to share a house with. Even with the hard stuff, I like my life so much more being married than single. Single life was good but I just prefer this - as do most people who marry; otherwise, they wouldn't marry. Duh.

It is definitely more work - more laundry, food shopping, cleaning, juggling schedules - and I can't really slack off like I would when I lived alone. But I like doing those domestic kinds of things, so I don't mind.

I have learned a lot about James by living with him, even though I feel like there haven't been any huge surprises. More like - he likes to fall asleep with the TV timer on or a CD or tape playing (usually the Bible or a sermon). He hates having the covers over his feet because they need to 'breathe'; he sometimes has a little bit of RLS (restless leg syndrome - real or imagined I'm not sure, but very real in our house) so settling into sleep is usually a production.

He doesn't eat dinner like regular people. Doesn't require dinner, doesn't always like to have it. So, I figured one of us would be cooking dinner every night...it's not as regimented as I thought.

I've learned what particular foods he likes to have in the house: potato or white bread, not wheat; never light mayo or half-and-half; shrimp and cheese-and-crackers are a favorite snack to keep in the house; white albacore tuna in water, not oil.

He likes to keep his toothbrush in the shower, he does not like to sit in the backyard at night with the lights on (doesn't want to disturb the neighbors). He likes the lines in the carpet when he vacuums, and sometimes he will re-vacuum after I do it because I didn't do the lines right.

These have been some of the fun discoveries.

It has been fun to be able to go away together. We didn't live together before we were married and we saved sex for after marriage, so we didn't really travel together while we were dating.

But it has been fun to plan some short weekend trips. We went upstate Memorial Day Weekend to go mountain biking and we are going camping this weekend for the 4th of July. It is so fun to pack and buy supplies and plan all that together (oh yeah - I definitely learned to have the route planned out AHEAD of time...even if he says he knows where he is going. I should know the route too - it is the job of the co-pilot, so I am told!).

Our relationship itself hasn't changed a lot - but in a way, it has - and it is. The commitment is deeper, and the ripple effects of our decisions (and moods and behaviors) are a lot closer now. The reality is sinking in that we are each other's family now and the first loyalty is to each other - not to our former families, former friends, former hobbies...although those are still in our lives. It is just that we didn't make a life-long covenant with any of these people or things, but with each other. We are one now. Everything we do affects the other.

I feel like we are a little clumsy in adjusting to this reality - we are all creatures of habit so it takes getting used to this - but I am sure in time it will be more natural.

Of course, there are always miscommunications - most of the time the disagreements are results of misunderstandings or not communicating clearly. So, I am having to learn better ways to adapt my communication in a way he understands. Men and women are so different so I feel like I am always taking mental notes when I notice something.

I am also learning that change happens slowly. I tend to be a pretty flexible and can adapt fairly quickly; change takes a little more of a "process" (his favorite word) for James. So even the pace of our adjustments is different - and I am sure the male/female traits are a part of that - so I have tried to keep that in mind too.

There have been other issues we have had to deal with that have made the first 90 days a little challenging and not exactly the way I imagined it would be. We are working through it, which is good, but there were times when honestly, I felt a little sad because I would say to myself, "We shouldn't be dealing with this kind of stuff in our first few months of bliss!"

But who is to say that? Everyone is different - every couple and everyone brings different issues and baggage to the table (myself included - and we all have it). Everyone's relationship and timetable looks different.

So I have had to grow up a bit too, and not act like a spoiled girl but a mature wife and support and encouragement to my husband. Which, by the way, is the whole point...not just to have all of my expectations fulfilled. This is life. This is marriage.

And probably the biggest thing I have learned is this: it's all about me.

Before you freak, this is what I mean: It is all about me - me growing and developing into a more mature, Christ-like person, a quality human being. It is all about me in the sense that I am responsible for myself and how I act and how I choose to change and grow - and that I cannot force that on someone else.

I cannot control James or what he does or doesn't do - how he chooses to grow and change - or even if he chooses to grow or change (He does both, by the way, but my point is that I can't force him). I can only control myself. It is up to me to choose how I handle my emotions, my upset, my state of mind, and what I perceive as right or wrong. It is up to me and God to handle my part of the relationship - and it is up to God and James to handle his part. It is not for me to micro-manage him just so I can arrange my life to be exactly what I want it to be.

I could write more about all this - and probably will at some point - but one bit of advice that I was told I would need to incorporate every day (and they were right) is this:

Always keep giving, always keep forgiving. Give and forgive.

And getting that one down has taken me at least the first 90 days.

So, my final thoughts on the first 90 days: Marriage is wonderful and can be all it is cracked up to be - but it is not for the faint of heart.

D.O.N.E.

2010-06-25T09:12:00.003-04:00

Yes, finally. The school year is O.V.E.R.

Graduation tomorrow....

But it was right down to the wire. I've debated whether is it professionally ethical or not to include pieces of emails I've gotten from my students just so you could read for yourself the insanity of what this week has been...but I decided that might somehow be a breech of confidentiality.

Needless to say...

Anyway, I have been so negative about the end of this year so I don't want to dwell on that anymore. I am just ready to look ahead to summer.

As you may have read, the past 12 months have been insane, and I am so excited to just enjoy a little...

So, some things on my to-do list for the next 2 months, in no particular order:

1. Fitness: I need to get in shape again! Ugh! I have been eating my frustration! Six point six pounds heavier since the wedding and that has got to go! So, I am planning to mountain bike with James, go walking outside, get back to the gym - and ZUMBA classes! I have heard great things about Zumba and I am psyched.

2. Nesting: We are moved in but the house isn't totally home yet. I haven't had a chance to decorate, hang pictures, curtains, paint, etc. So that is on my agenda - to get organized and make this home. I am not the picture of domesticity when it comes to cooking or gardening, but I plan to try to make some advances in that area: healthy cooking and planting some flowers in the yard.

3. Spiritual: I haven't involved myself in a good Bible study in almost a year or so - and I am feeling it. I have been 'getting by' spiritually, and I am feeling the void of not having that closeness with Jesus. So, I want to get back into a solid, regular quiet time - and hopefully do another really good Beth Moore Bible study. Those have always been great for me.

4. Marriage: I feel like I have a lot to learn about what it means to have a godly marriage and to be a godly wife. There are a few books about it I have been wanting to read: Sacred Marriage, Love and Respect, Boundaries in Marriage. I have a few others that have been given to me as well that I would like to read also. So I want to spend some time reading and in prayer about what this new role means and what it should look like.

5. Blogging: I am excited to be back on the bandwagon and I want to give some time and energy to really thinking through what I am hoping this blog will evolve into.

6. Friends: So many friends I haven't seen and want to catch up with! Some former students I have been wanting to have a cup of coffee with - and BBQs! I love them!

7. Professional: Give a little (very little!) thought to some professional development - really, just reading some classic novels that I haven't read to see if they might be good to teach in the future. I am going to stay away from curriculum for most of the summer. I need a break.

8. Fun and Relaxation: First summer as a newly-wed! This may be the only time in our lives that James and I can enjoy our freedom like this. I definitely want to make time for us, to do some day trips and make each day special, to make our marriage a priority. We have a beach close-by, which we both love. We have been blessed by our surroundings and I think it is fully honoring to God to enjoy this gift.

My goal for the summer is really just to make each.day.count.

PS - Hi to any friends visiting from New Friend Friday at The Girl Creative! A great place to visit and make new friends! And TGC is my sister :)

Angry Teacher Rant

2010-06-22T09:42:00.003-04:00

I am so DONE!

On a typical day, I love my students, I love my job...but yesterday, I felt like I hated them. I am serious. In my mind, every one of them was lazy, apathetic, superficial, had no character, no work ethic. You would not have wanted to be inside my head yesterday - it was not pretty.

I've complained all semester long about grading their thesis papers. Grading these things are the bane of my professional existence, but I put a TON of time into assessing their rough drafts...going over it with a fine-toothed comb, marking every grammar error, error in development, organization, weak thesis statements, lack of unity...you name it.

It is so FRUSTRATING to get their final drafts and compare them to the rough drafts. Do you know what they fixed???? The commas, the periods, the capital letters, the spacing...anything that did not require THOUGHT and only mistakes the I POINTED OUT.

Anything that required them to THINK or DO MORE WORK they conveniently left out.

"You need another example here. Develop this paragraph a little more." I got nothing.

"How is this information tied to your thesis? Make a connection."Still nothing.

"Repetitive. Keep all like information together." Did they move it? Of course not!

"Too much quoting. You need to paraphrase." Do you know what was there? SAME.EXACT.WORDS.

Just to name a few.

In fairness, I did get some great papers. I do have students who work hard, take pride in their work and have an excellent work ethic.

But it just made me sad how many students don't. Shoddy work. No effort. They check out during class, do their work incorrectly, and then have the gall to ignore the corrections I MAKE FOR THEM!

They have been doing these kinds of papers since 9th grade. I don't get it.

The seniors need to get a 75 on their thesis in order to graduate. Some got a 70 or 75, and instead of just making all the corrections, they calculatively determine what they needed to do to get the 3 or 5 points needed to pass. That's it.

I was going over a paper with a student about what needed to be done to fix her paper, and she said, point blank, " Just tell me what I need to do to get 3 points." "Well, really, it would be best to..." " No, honestly, I just want the 3 points."

OK, summer vacation is more for the teacher than the student. Case in point.

You would not want me teaching your kids in this frame of mind. Look for a rebuttal in the future about how wonderful my students are and how motivated and enthusiastic and how bright....

But just not today.

I See It...

2010-06-17T09:39:00.044-04:00

...the end, that is. The end is in sight.

We finished classes on Monday....NYS Regents and finals this week and next...and then....done.

I am so looking forward to....just....breathing....

I was talking to my mom on the phone, filling her in on my summer plans, and as we talked, I realized the past 12 months have been a whirlwind. Almost entirely, nonstop.

About this time last year, I had to finish up school a week early because I was going on a trip to Morocco. So, I had to get my classroom cleaned out and my grades in a week early. That was crazy.

Then, I was in Morocco for almost two weeks.

About two weeks after I got back from Morocco, James proposed.

Enter: wedding planning mania.

When we decided on a March wedding, the wind speed starting picking up.

September, I'm back teaching - and planning a wedding:

Getting the dress...

finding a church (ours was being used for the Easter Passion Play)...

finding a reception site....

picking the dresses, flowers, and color schemes...

picking the invitations...

By November, enter: house hunting.

I am teaching, planning a wedding, and looking for a house.

By December, I am teaching, planning a wedding, getting the house inspected, finalizing the mortgage, going to contract...

I don't even think we took a break for the holidays. Maybe Christmas Day.

By January, I am teaching, prepping for the NYS English Regents (a brutal 6- hour-4-essay test), planning the wedding, closing on our house...

....and just about going crazy.

By February, on top of all that, we are moving James into the house...

packing up my apartment,

planning our honeymoon...

and now wedding planning stress is in full swing...

picking the tuxes...

going over the guest list and tables...

finding the right favors...

Throw in a few hair trials, make-up trials and bridal showers....

Honestly, there are no words.

Another month or so of this...constant motion right up until the night before - making and setting up the centerpieces....

And finally, it arrives:

March 26, 2010...it has all been leading up to this. It was all worth it.

April...we had our honeymoon, which was super-relaxing...but a degree of stress, only in the sense of the newness of and getting used to each other.

When we got back, I had to move all the rest of my stuff out of the apartment and into the house, unpacking, buying furniture, settling in, adjusting to a new routine and a new role as a wife...

And go back to work and catch up on everything I put off while I was....well,....see above.

By May, I am super-stressed at work - the normal end of the year crunch, on top of all my back-work I didn't do while planning the wedding, figuring out what job(s) I'll be working for the summer, applying and training for those jobs....

Not to mention that in order for two students to graduate, I have to find an additional 21 hours in my life to privately tutor them.

...which brings me to today - June 17.

I see it.

The end is in sight.

Classes are done.

I can do my grading in school instead of bringing it home every night.

I can take a few minutes to blog while my students are re-taking the regents.

My summer schedule is mostly worked out (3 different jobs, mind you, but when I leave at the end of the day, I leave) and I am actually seeing vacant blocks of time in the near future that aren't booked with something that has to get done.

This whirlwind of a 12-month time period is just about drawing to a close, and honestly, I couldn't.be.happier.

There have been these huge, monumental life changes in the past 365 days that I haven't even really had a chance to fully contemplate, dream about - or even really fully enjoy.

But, that is what is on my agenda for the next 75 days....

Wedding Weight

2010-05-26T08:33:00.006-04:00

Hey girlies!

I am (almost) caught up at work, which is allowing me to have some guilt-free blogging time, and I only see it getting better. Relief! LOL.

My seniors are away on their senior trip this week, which has opened up my schedule BIG-TIME! (I am only teaching 2-3 periods a day this week!) and has helped me catch up. It is a good feeling.

So, this was a good week for me to work on the wedding weight. (Fewer kids to snap at when I am cranky and hungry).

Yup, the post-wedding-weight-gain. Almost as predictable as the Freshman 15.

I didn't really lose weight for the wedding - too busy and stressed to put too much energy into that direction. But typically, I have a 4-5 pound range that I like to stay within. If I start climbing above that, I know I am getting in trouble.

For the wedding, I was at bottom of that 5 pound range.

Well, two months (today, actually :) ) I am at the top. And I realized I better start doing something before it creeps out of control.

A girl I work with told me that she was doing this Three Day Diet. She lost 6 lbs the first week. I know, I know, with those fad diets, you lose and gain it all back. But, the benefit I saw in it was that it was so strict that it would at least start disciplining me to eat less.

So, you do this diet for three days, and then you eat sensibly for the other four. I am not sure if you are supposed to go back to the diet for three days the next week, but she has done that. Anyway, she is in it 2 and a 1/2 weeks, and her total weight loss is 8. Not bad.

I probably should do a post about how we as women are so consumed with our weight in our culture and how we shouldn't put so much emphasis on it. While true, I don't know if I have fully evolved to that level, lol. And honestly, without sounding like I am covering up, I honestly do think managing a healthy weight is really important for health issues, longevity and quality of life.

I just saw a write-up on the diet at the link posted - Web MD. Supposedly, it is the precise combination of food that boosts the metabolism. Already, that might be problematic for me. I had to make some substitutions - pretty equivalent, I'd say - but some of the food items I just knew I couldn't choke down.

Well, no surprise, but it didn't get rave reviews. It said the usual on why it is not a good idea - too rigid, you'll gain the weight back when you switch, can't substitute for a healthy lifestyle, etc. All true. I know.

I guess for me, I am just looking for the jump start - the discipline, the structure - and yes, even the quick results, just to motivate me a little to start changing my eating patterns.

I can clearly identify the causes of the weight gain...when James cooks, it is MAN-food, not girly-food. But it is SOOOO good. I've at least gotten him to scale back my portions, but sometimes it is just so yummy, I eat more than I should.

Second, I haven't been to the gym as much. I am still not in the swing of a routine yet...lots of running around, setting up house, arranging summer work, etc....the gym hasn't been priority.

But I am hoping that the diet will at least make me more cognizant of what I am shoving in my mouth (I am a BIG snacker - and it all adds up).

And, I am hoping to make exercise more of a priority with the nice weather. We bought me a good mountain bike (James loves to do that) - so I am hoping that we'll be able to do that and incorporate walks like we used to. We actually are going upstate for Memorial Day weekend to doing some biking and hiking...so - yay, us!

All said and done, fitness was an important value I had before I got married, so early on, I am trying hard to not let that one go....

Thoughts????

Confessions of a Delinquent Blogger

2010-05-11T21:00:00.003-04:00

Well, the reasons I have been delinquent in blogging are simple:

1. The obvious: T.I.M.E. I am struggling a little with this time-management thing! It is a whole new routine, being a newlywed. And we haven't settled into a clear-cut routine yet. For a few reasons. Primarily, James is definitely not a routine guy. He likes to 'feel' a moment and see how it 'evolves.' While that is beautifully spontaneous, it's not good for the perfectionist planner like me!

Second - my schedule after school is different every day. Some days it is my 2nd job, some days it is teacher's meetings, some days it is extra help or tutoring, some days it is running errands. So, I get home at a different time every day. Combine that with James 'feeling a moment' - and well... I never know what a night will hold.

The other reason I feel like I am struggling with time is that I am trying to catch up on all the work I put off while I was planning the wedding. I have SO.MUCH. grading and lesson plans and instructional plans, blah, blah, blah...things I should have been doing all semester. I have senior thesis papers that my students turned in in FEBRUARY that I have not finished grading yet. I kid you not! It's shameful! Which leads me to my next point...

2. I feel guilty for blogging when I still have all those papers to grade (which, as you can see, is really stopping me). Ok, moving on...

3. I have been waiting for pictures. I have lots of stories to tell - with pictures to go along with them - just waiting for friends to email them to me. Don't want to become the annoying bride who emails and emails and emails and thinks the world revolves around her shower and wedding pictures. So I have been biding my time...but sit tight, they are coming...

4. I have been re-thinking my blog content. "One Girl's Journey to the Altar" has finally arrived at the altar. Now what? The content will still be along the lines of "Life After the Altar" - although not exclusive to just marriage and relationships. So, at some point I will have to make the shift - and I have also been playing around with a new name. My sister - "The Girl Creative" - is going to help with a new design, so I am hoping to have the new 'reveal' sometime in June.

So, all that to say - I miss Blogworld. I miss blogging on my blog, I miss reading others' blogs, I miss commenting and I miss reading comments. I miss the friendships and camaraderie and the connection.

But I am excited to get back into it soon.

I haven't forgotten about you all, my friends. I am hoping to get into the swing of things soon. At least as soon as I get those papers graded. (Really, it is so shameful).

My friend Kate at Newlywed and Unemployed has allowed me to be a guest blogger featured today - so you can check out some of my newlywed thoughts over there. She is a great read, too!

And just a disclaimer...at the end of my post over there, I stated about married life, "I am liking it just fine." James took issue with that: "Just fine? That's it? Not loving it?"

I tried to explain that I said that line with a sassy smile. "Did you indicate that there was a sassy smile with that?" "Well, no...but they will get it..." "Well, I don't know, then. I would just think it was just OK if I read that..."

So, let me just say LOUD AND CLEAR - that I am LOVING married life just fine (wink, sassy smile).

:)

Proud of My Baby Sister!

2010-04-30T15:43:00.003-04:00

My sister has a blog called The Girl Creative, and I am so proud of her. She got me into blogging, and she has some following these days...she is up to 957! Not that numbers mean anything, but like I said, I am so proud of her! She is my best friend (from afar, now), but the best all the same.

She hosts New Friend Fridays, so I am here to give her some support. Here is the link to her party...today it is all about embarrassing moments! Her story is hilarious...I still remember it!

So, here's to Diana - and cheers to Diana!

The Newest Member of the Family

2010-04-29T20:41:00.005-04:00

James and I had our first bit of bad news as a couple. Amos, our kitten, got hit by a car on Friday and passed on. :( This is James and Amos in January.
James got Amos when we had been dating almost a year- he was a rescued feral cat and the cutest little thing.

So, Amos has been our baby. Amos loved to go outside and the place where James used to live was perfect...lots of land, long driveway, woodsy property, hardly any cars ever came down his street.

Well, the house we moved to is on a much busier street, but Amos just would not stay inside. So, we let him out tentatively - he wandered and came back. But a few times, we found Amos across the street. And James knew that somehow, this would not end well.

And, well, on Friday, when I got home from work, our neighbor came right over and asked if we had a grey cat. He didn't have to say anything else. I knew.

James was working late, so after I gained my composure, I had to break the bad news - and he came home right away. I knew James would be so sad...he loved Amos so much. "Amos McGreatest" is what James called him.

He was hit by a livery driver driving a limo. The man was deaf and mute and went banging on our neighbor's door after Amos was hit. He was so upset. They quickly moved Amos to the side of the road - thankfully he wasn't squished, but he was gone already.

So, we sadly said a prayer and buried him. But it was a tough, sad night. :(

I asked James if we should get another one - he wasn't sure. We have another cat - Hannah - and while Hannah would terrorize Amos at times, they were just beginning to become friends. Hannah kept looking around for him and was mopey for a few days. We thought it would be good to get Hannah a new friend as soon as possible. This is James and Hannah.
So, on Sunday, we went to the shelter where James had gotten me a gift certificate for Christmas for a kitten a year and a half ago (Never used it...were waiting for spring for kitten season, I traveled on a few trips, then we got engaged... you know how that all goes...)

A few minutes after we walked in, a lady came in with a kitten that she had to drop off. Her daughter had taken him because someone had come to her job and was giving them away. They had the kitten for about a month, but she just couldn't afford to keep him. We told her we were looking for a kitten and she got so excited. She said she would feel so happy if she knew the kitten would have a good home. We kind of felt it was meant to be, so we said yes.

Well, meet Samson.

James picked the name because Samson in the Bible is a story of redemption. And Samson is a way that we can redeem our loss of Amos - a second chance. And I had just heard on TV the other day that the name Samson means "Sunshine." Perfect.

We picked him up today and he is great...SOOOOO playful and confident...not a scared bone in his little body. And he is already jumping around and exploring like he owns the place. I am sure we are going to love him a bunch. So, here is the newest member of our family:

The Days Leading Up

2010-04-20T14:52:00.007-04:00

Hi everyone! I keep saying, 'Today, I will put up a post for my blog"' - but I can tell you, time management has been the biggest issue I'm having since being married! I just feel like I have no time to do what I have been used to doing! I'm still trying to catch up after putting off everything due to the wedding planning/wedding/honeymoon.

Anyhow, I will try to be a little more consistent, even if it is just a small post.

So,it is good to be back! I'm feeling more 'human' again, which is actually refreshing.

The post date on this might say, April 20, which was the day I wrote it, hoping to get back and edit it. But today is actually April 28. So that tells you a little of where I am at, lol.

I was so busy during the wedding itself, I sort of lost touch with tracking my 'journey.' I'll do my best to back-track, and hopefully, include only the good stuff. It won't just be 'wedding' stuff - I'll try to stay current. This blog will need an update anyway, as we have completed our 'journey to the altar.' The new one begins. So, here we go...

The wedding was on Friday, March 26 - a month ago yesterday, actually. The week before was crazy. We had the rehearsal on the Saturday before, March 20. Then we had the Bridesmaids Brunch (which was originally supposed to be the rehearsal brunch), then the Bachelorette. You can read about that here.

The next day my sister (also a bridesmaid) had her new baby daughter christened, because my grandparents from Florida could be in town for both events. Unfortunately, I didn't make the church, only the dinner after. I was still trying to get the candelabras for my centerpieces from my friend Kari. Instead of making me go on a trip to NYC to pick them up, she was gracious enough to take an hour train ride each way out to me. She was great, and it was so worth it. I spent the in-between time lingerie shopping (funny how that gets lost in all the wedding planning fuss!).

I had work the next 2 days - both jobs - so, at that point, I was squeezing everything in. Mom and Nana were on detail for finishing the favors, I still had to put together the centerpieces and pack. James' dad was great to arrange a guy dinner for James, his dad and my dad.

So, by Wednesday, I was going crazy. I still had to pack up the rest of my apartment, which was stressing me out. My parents decided to put the house on the market on May 1, so I felt the pressure to get it as vacant as possible.

Thursday and Friday were blurs...Last minute shopping, apartment-packing, honeymoon-packing, picking up the dress, tanning...

I remember that James and I didn't talk too much during that time 24-48 time period. I think we were letting the anticipation build up to the big moment. We did see each other for a brief moment on Thursday at Home Depot to pick out a counter-top that a friend was installing for us while we were on our honeymoon (he did some renovations on our kitchen as a wedding gift! So generous!) - and to pick up his paycheck so I could pay the caterers. I remember that it was a little damp, chilly...but I remember kissing him goodbye in the parking lot saying, "I'll see ya at the altar!"

And on Thursday night, my dad and I headed to the reception hall to set up the centerpieces (which, I think, came out great! I loved them!). And I am so thankful for my dad...it would have taken me HOURS if it wasn't for him! I could have left them for the staff to do, but me being the perfectionist that I am... well, enough said.

I don't even remember what time I went to bed that night...I don't think it was too bad, but I do remember thinking, "This is the last time I will fall asleep in this house, in this bed, all by myself. It is really happening..."

More to come....

Impressions of a Wedding Day

2010-04-15T10:02:00.001-04:00

A newlywed of just 21 days old…it is so hard to believe that the event that consumed me for months is behind me. And I have to say – it feels great!

In fairness, let me voice that my wedding day was amazing. A few minor glitches, but the incredible joy is what stands out to me. When I walked into the church and started down the aisle, James and I were all smiles. Big ones. And the way the church was set up, our guest felt very close, just like they were surrounding us. So, I didn’t feel nervous at all. I felt like my face hurt from smiling so hard. And it was genuine. For that moment, I really felt like James and I were close to exploding. We smiled when we saw each other, when we lit our candles, when we exchanged rings, when we said our vows.

I always thought my wedding ceremony would be a weepy, emotional moment – but it wasn’t. It was just happy.

And the service was beautiful. Our pastor did such a phenomenal job…it was heartfelt, sincere, warm and personal. And that was the whole atmosphere in the church…warm, soft, peaceful – and happy.

When our pastor pronounced us Mr. and Mrs. James L, I could see some faces in the audience, and I could tell everyone was so excited but wasn’t sure what to do. Then all the sudden, everyone just stood up and started cheering and clapping. It was such an amazing moment. The love and excitement in the room was tangible.

I don’t know if people were so happy because we were a little older and waited so long? Because each of us had had some tough years prior to getting to this point? Because they really could tell that God brought us together in a special way? And had a special purpose for us? [I had a number of people tell me, ‘Katie, you guys did it the right way.’ I’m not sure of their interpretation of that…but I found that interesting, because while we tried to be intentional, it felt a little fumbly when we were going through it.]

And for all of James’ nerves prior, he did outstanding. He is such a freakin’ natural! At the reception, he was going around to all of my friends, chit-chatting, introducing himself…he did amazing! I was so proud to be his wife.

The reception was great too. We did more of a cocktail reception – not really a dance party. But our guests told me they all had such a good time catching up with people they hadn’t seen in a while, not struggling to talk over music. I had a lot of people tell me it was such a different wedding and reception than any other they had been to – and it was the best.

I’m not sure what made it so for them, but I am glad. I had a lot of different circles of friends from my past, so it was like a reunion for a lot of people. I just saw lots of laughing, smiles…and every table I went to, I wished that I had been assigned to sit at that table and hang out with them.

Needless to say, we were wiped by the end. But we went to the hotel, got there around 1 a.m. We drank champagne, got ‘acquainted’ with each other for the first time (yes, let’s just say that if I was an Old Testament Jewish girl,I would not have been stoned!), and stayed up to watch the sunrise. We opened our cards and we were overwhelmed by the notes and the gifts. We were in tears after each one we opened. The generosity of our family and friends stunned us. And they are working people just like us. We felt so humbled and unworthy.

So, all that to say –all the planning was worth it – but I am glad all the planning is OVER! It feels AWESOME to not have to call vendors, make appointments, print programs, assemble centerpieces…it is nice to just ‘live’ again. And this time, with my man.

Yahoo!!! 

Nitty gritty details and pictures to come!

Home

2010-04-07T23:14:00.001-04:00

Yes, we are home! We had an amazing honeymoon but it feels great to be home!

I am slowly re-entering the real world - post-wedding and post-honeymoon. Feels like culture shock, lol! But I am excited to start normaling out and connecting again.

'Real' blog posts soon to come! :)

A Small View of the Day

2010-04-03T10:21:00.004-04:00

Hi from the Smoky Mountains! It is beautiful here and we are having a GREAT time! Just thought I would throw up a few amateur shots of the wedding day...more details of the day and honeymoon in the weeks to come. Lookin' forward to catching up once we get back next week!

Two Become One

2010-03-28T19:20:00.002-04:00

We did it!!! Here is a little snapshot of a moment during the ceremony! More to come...we are honeymooning in the Smokey Mountains...but stay tuned!

Down to the Wire

2010-03-21T22:26:00.003-04:00

In just 5 days....
I cannot believe that by this Friday night, I will be a married woman. So strange and surreal. There were definite moments in my life when I thought I would never see this day. And now, here it is...just 5 days away from being a reality.

I am happy to say that my shoulders feel lighter with every decision that is finally made and every task I get to cross off my list. Finally, the list is actually getting smaller, instead of a new task taking the place of the one I just crossed off.

So now, finally, I am starting to get excited about my wedding. I've been excited about my marriage, but it just seemed like so much work to get to it! But the wedding...as each detail comes together, I can finally see a picture of it. And I am so excited.

This week was big. Because my rehearsal was this Saturday, I had to get a lot together. I had to have my programs done (searching high and low for affordable paper! I mean, most people are just going to throw it out). But I couldn't do the programs until I decided on the music. I finally picked the paper - a great find from Office Max. The picture is below, and the programs are turned counter clockwise and folded. Only $6.99 for 100 sheet. Sold!
And by Thursday, I finally (I mean, finally) decided on the music for the ceremony. I went back and forth over the bridal processional - almost using th is song. I first fell in love with this song when I did a solo trip to Shelter Island. I remember sitting on the hood of my car at the beach, just listening to this over and over and thinking that I'd love to walk down the aisle to this someday.

Well, it was close; it almost happened. I had mixed reviews from the family, but in the end, I wasn't confident with it. The bagpipes just sounded too harsh and squealy.

In the end, I decided to go with "Anne's Theme" performed by Bronn Journey (he is a harpist). It is from 'Anne of Green Gables' - which was my FAVORITE growing up! This version is very beautiful and doesn't sound movie-soundtrack-y at all. When we had our rehearsal on Saturday (I will get to that in a minute), I knew it was the right choice. It was perfect for the church we were having the ceremony in. It all fit.

For the family processional, I came across this piece, "Wedding on the Mountain," which again, worked great in the church. I also used quite a few other pieces from Robin Spielberg for the prelude music. I threw in a few classical songs, but overall, that just felt too formal for me. The soft piano felt much better.

So yes, the rehearsal! We had it this Saturday, the week before the wedding. My sister (MOH) lives upstate, and she was coming down already this weekend for my other sister's baby christening.

The best part about it was when I was practicing walking down the aisle with my dad. I looked at James, just to sort of test it out, to see what it would be like. Would we be nervous? Anxious? Relaxed? It was good to see that we both looked and felt just happy and relaxed. We were looking at each other and not all around - and I love that we were smiling and we connected. And I was fine to take that as a pleasant foreshadowing of what is to come.

We were going to have a informal breakfast after the rehearsal, but a lot of the guys couldn't make it for various and sundry reasons (and James will NEVER argue about passing up a social gathering if he can watch the college basketball tournaments instead), so it ended up just being a girls breakfast. My bridal party was having my bachelorette Saturday anyway, so we just made a day of it.

It was fun and simple...mani's and pedi's, a stop in between for some cheese and crackers and a glass of wine, and then tapas at a fun place called Toast, where fondues are their specialties.

And so, here we are....Sunday night. Still lots to do. Fine tuning the seating charts, a little more printing of inserts to go with the favors. The centerpieces still are not made (although my manzanita branches did finally come in). I still have to finish moving out of my apartment and moving into our house - that probably is causing me the most stress, 2nd only to the stress I feel about trying to get all my stuff done at work before I'm out for the wedding (I am missing 6 days of school, right on top of a week and a half spring break. Sweet!).

But I feel relief that it is just one more week of the craziness - I can run it out for one more week...and then the big day will be here...and then the honeymoon begins...

:)

A Girl's Moment in the Spotlight

2010-03-15T21:40:00.002-04:00

Although everyone wants to ~~I want to~~ be noticed, I am not really that comfortable in the spotlight. This became all the more apparent to me this weekend.

On Friday, my coworkers at school along with my junior and seniors threw me this AMAZING shower. I was totally stunned. No clue. The woman who usually was in charge of 'faculty showers' had resigned earlier this year, and no one had taken her spot. The staff is too thoughtful to not do anything, so I thought they might do a little cake at a teacher's meeting. Well, this was no add-on to a meeting. It was a full.on.shower...hot food and salad, gifts, decorations, invitations and the big 'Surprise!' I was so humbled and honored. And a little embarrassed.

It was a little awkward having all of this attention on me. I mean, it is just me. But with everyone just looking at me (albeit lovingly and with smiles) - I definitely felt slightly uncomfortable!

And I had the same sensation at my other shower last month: Nice...but awkward.

And I got that feeling a few other times this weekend. I finally have gotten around to the beauty regimen - which has definitely been lacking attention these days. I did the airbrush tan on Friday night as a test and got my highlights done on Saturday. All this primping - I can be girlie sometimes, so it felt nice - but as I was doing all this, it just reminded me that I am going to be center- stage on that day. James, too - but by and large, wedding typically are the girl's moment in the spotlight. All.this.attention.on.me.

And I started getting a little nervous!

I also had to pick out my processional music this weekend too, and I tried to envision walking down the aisle...and it hit me that everybody would be looking at ME!

I understand that these are my friends and my family...so there will be no criticism in their faces...but for a moment...I started to feel a little unnerved.

I am a teacher, and I am used to standing in front of people all day and having them scrutinize every hair that is out place, every wrinkle in my shirt and every swipe of chalk across my pant leg.

But this is a little different. On this day, I actually care what people think. On this day, I want to really try to be beautiful. And succeed. It is the day where it is sort of OK for you to be the center of attention. It's OK for you to take great pains to look your very, very best. And for people to notice. And honestly, I don't quite know what to do with that. But I'm not gonna lie - on the other hand, as nervous as it makes me, there is something appealing to me, too.

I struggle with feeling narcissistic and shallow. I typically like to be the background person, and I am more comfortable helping out behind the scenes than being center-stage. So, it feels a little weird feeling having this event that is all for you. That you planned it yourself.

So where that does leave me? Well, for one, I am going to try to enjoy it while I have it. I doubt I will ever get this much attention again in my life. And that is fine. But while I have it, I am going to try to just soak in the love I am getting and this special time where people really are going out of their way to show they care.

And although I am not used to it, it feels nice.

But at the same time, I don't want to lose sight of the importance of this day by focusing on the externals. Although I do think the attention and beauty and fawning do have their place, the MOST important thing is the covenant James and I are making with each other and with God. And long after the compliments fade and my fake tan wears off and my make-up is smudged by hugs, there will be James and there will be me. Together.

And that is why we will even have the spotlight on us in the first place.

The Favor Debacle

2010-03-09T13:23:00.004-05:00

I had mentioned in a previous post the issues I had had with the favors. I had gone back and forth if I really wanted to do them or not. James and I are more on the missionary-strain, so I was leaning initially to just doing a donation in leiu of favors.

But, the more aesthetic side of me won out and there was something I really liked about having something pretty and theme-oriented left on the tables. So, I decided to go with favors. And, really, I did want to thank my guests in some small way for coming.

That being said, I didn't want a favor that was useless or could be eaten or thrown away. After much thought, I decided on bookmarks. James and I had our first 'meeting' at Border's Bookstore while we were both there checking out CS Lewis books. We didn't meet actually that day, but a year later. Randomly. But we both vividly remember the encounter and truly believe God brought us together at the right time (for the full story, see here).

So, I thought bookmarks were perfect. Useful. Not overly feminine. Related to our story.

Trying to find a suitable bookmark was tougher. They either looked cheap or very girly. But then I found the perfect one:

I loved it for a few reasons. Number one - it didn't look cheap. Number two - it had a great folder we could personalize and have printed in our color. Number three - it wasn't too girly for the guys. And number four, I had already decided that I wanted crystal trees for some for the centerpieces, so I thought this was a great tie in.

Well, after all my agonizing indecisiveness, I took the plunged and ordered them only to find they were back-ordered EVERYWHERE. Until April 29.

I was so bummed. It had taken me so long to come up with that idea...now where to start all over again? I tried to go the tree route for bookmarks again, but most of them were fall-themed.

So, I tried my luck at Etsy.com, where artist sell their hand-made items. I hunted and hunted - and hunted - hours of previewing merchandise - and contacted a few vendors to see who could custom make 140 bookmarks. In 3 weeks. With a custom tree theme. And a Scripture verse. For about the same price.

I met a ton of great vendors but I landed on one who worked SO HARD for me - Allison from Allison Paper Crafts. She responded immediately and almost instantaneously, she was shooting me over samples, working within my price-range, adjusting the look to exactly what I was asking. She was amazing. And, I contacted her probably last Thursday or Friday and the bookmarks shipped this morning. She was outstanding. And it cost me less than the tree bookmarks originally would have. So, this is the finished product:

With a small spot for our initials and date on the back:

All in all, the favor debacle ended up being a really.good.thing.

Little Bits of Life...Together

2010-03-07T21:26:00.004-05:00

I did get James to take me out to dinner last night :)

We both just needed a break from Wedding World. We took a walk through our new neighborhood, since it was such a nice day. It is a cute little town - emphasis on 'little' - just a deli, pizza place, diner, thrift store, Chinese take-out, post office, luncheonette...but it's enough. We went into the thrift store and talked to the owner for a while - he gave us the run down on the town and community. It just had that small-town fee, which isn't common on L.I. It was great, though...the cliffs that overlook the Long Island Sound are actually within walking distance.

Then we tried a new local restaurant - we are HUGE fans of the Entertainment Book! We've found so many great places in there...and we go out to eat WAY more than we would without it. This Italian restaurant was great...felt like a quiet, quaint Tuscan hide-away. Food was delicious. They even gave us the discount without punching our Entertainment card, so we would come back again. Such a good peaceful, relaxing night...

Today we didn't really re-enter WW, so to speak, but we were reminded of it. Often. But in a good way. In church, lots of people were coming up to us, asking when the big day was. James was quick to answer, 'Two weeks and five days,' with a boyish smile on his face. And it felt great to see people's genuine enthusiasm for us.

Then we finally decided on our mattress today...Bob's Furniture is amazing!!! They even have a cafe there where they give out FREE coffee, ice cream, cookies, lemonade, iced tea while you shop. Excellent customer service and excellent deals!

We opted for a mattress a little more expensive , but it actually comes in a his side/her side. I like plush, he likes firm...Neither of us were willing to give up 20 years of sleep (it comes with a 20 year guarantee) so we splurged on the his side/her side. I think it was a smart idea.

As a bonus, we treated ourselves to one of those electric fire places. The sales guy - Arnie (such a doll! Took so much time with us!) - told us that it costs 3 cents an hour for the heat, and it throws off ALOT of heat. So, James convinced me it would be economical to get it...it would add only an extra $10 to our electric bill a month - and would cut down the oil majorly!

A fun trip to Costco afterward - our first excursion shopping there together. That was successful, too. We just had a good time grocery shopping and picking up a few things for the house. And I think we were a good team. It just felt fun.

So, it was just a little bit of doing life together today...nothing overly exciting, but it just felt all 'new' to me...and it felt really good. These are the little things of being part of a couple that I have so looked forward for years. And it was nice to be actually living it a little today. It was overly romantic or it didn't have this dramatic background music. It was all 'normal' stuff...but it felt special to me.

We had a few conversations pertaining to the wedding, but I think we are passed stressing over it. It will be what it is and it will be wonderful. And by the end of the day, we will be married. So, it's all good.

Two weeks and five days...

Last Saturday Morning to Myself

2010-03-06T10:45:00.002-05:00

I have had a terrible time sleeping the past few weeks. I keep waking myself up early (as in, I just can't sleep, not that I set my alarm clock to get myself up) because I am constantly running through all I have to do.

Today I woke up at 6. Then 7. And I forced myself to stay in bed til 8. I was amazed when the clock showed 9:20 (which is really 9:03...it's 15 minutes fast - 0r supposed to be - I mess up the time every once in a while when I set my alarm, adding a minute here or there). That little bit of extra sleep helped slow me down. I am a bit more calm and relaxed today - the first time in a while. Not rushing out for an appointment or frantically making phone calls or packing up my apartment. A lot of that still needs to be done, but I don't feel the urgency of it today. Thankfully.

And I realized this is the last pre-wedding Saturday morning to myself. Next weekend, I have a hair highlighting appointment and then our food tasting after that. The weekend after that is our rehearsal - we are having a morning rehearsal and brunch to follow. The weekend after that, I will be waking up in our hotel room, the morning after my wedding.

It's kind of a weird feeling...all of these lasts. Stuff I sort of took for granted...going upstairs to grub a dinner from my parents, having my nephew who lives upstairs come downstairs to watch The Office with me, having my parents puppies peak their faces through the staircase railing to say goodbye as I walk downstairs...

This has been life for me for a long, long time. I don't know that I have ever had a life change this big...not since college maybe. It's weird to think that 36 years of doing things is about to change. It is a good thing, but the only way I can describe it is surreal. I feel like I am a character in a story, acting out a part. It doesn't feel like me yet, like this is my life. It's all good, it just feels strange and unfamiliar...but strange in a good way.

No major wedding plans today...a few phone calls, a little bit perusing on the internet. But I think I need today to just be at home - in my apartment and at home in my life at present - and not make plans or arrangements for my life in the future.

That being said, I am going to enjoy doing laundry, grading papers and convincing James to take me out to dinner tonight.

Honeymoon - Check!

2010-03-04T06:56:00.005-05:00

Insert James and Katie here:

OK, finally - the honeymoon is booked! Nine nights and ten days at a luxury cabin in the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee!

Mountain Laurels, here we come!

M.I.A.

2010-03-02T21:47:00.002-05:00

Yeah, that's me. It's been 8 days since my last post. I'm so bummed because I so want to be able to devote more energy and time to blogging...but...I just don't have it.

I started this blog for alot of reasons...for myself, to connect with others, to track my journey to my wedding, to voice my epiphanies and other random perceptions. And I just feel kind of crappy that I fell off the boat for a while.

I'm struggling to write this post...should my voice be cute and upbeat, spilling out the dizzying list of all that has been happening, contributing to why I haven't blogged? Do I pour out my raw, dismal feelings at the moment? Do I just post something, so I don't lose my momentum and bail altogether?

The long and short of it is this...I have so many pressing obligations that I have had to force myself away from the computer. And it kind of sucks, because this is something I really enjoy. But when I have a demanding full-time job, another part time job, what feels like another job in planning a wedding - and a relationship and upcoming marriage that needs my time and energy too...I just have to devote my attention to the immediate.

So where does this leave my blog for the moment? Well, I am still here. I don't want to abandon it all together. I don't think I could. I love the friends I have made here and I love where it's going and I love the creativity energy I feel when I write. Although it's not getting the attention it deserves, it is not going anywhere and hopefully it will survive this phase of malnutrition and neglect.

But I've seen how it is so easy to lose your rhythm, even when you miss just a few days. And sometimes, I am such a perfectionist, I don't want to post unless it is the 'perfect' post. Which will never be. So, if I am going to blog at all these next few weeks, I'll have to get over that real fast.

Just so you know...all of the busyness has been for good things. So many wonderful blessings and God-stories sprinkled over the past few weeks. It started with my bridal shower on Feb. 21st...and all of the wedding plans have snowballed from there.

We are still choosing a honeymoon spot (almost done), I needed to search for car rentals (will be done once we officially book the honeymoon), we had to pick out wedding bands (happily, I can say, 'Check!').

The items for the centerpieces have been ordered, the shoes and jewelry have been purchased, the dress is at the seamstress as ~~we speak~~ I type. I hit a snafu with the favors - finally picked out one I loved and went with our whole theme so well...and they are out of stock EVERYWHERE. The manufacturer is out of them. So, back to the drawing board with that.

We've been mattress shopping...hopefully that will be fixed this week, did the taxes (First-Time Homebuyer's Credit is a beautiful thing...now we can really go ahead with all of these plans)...and I met with our sound rental guy tonight. Still have to decide all of the music (we have the musicians at least), finalize our menu and have our food tasting. Buy gifts for the bridal party.

And each step is SO INVOLVED!

So anyway, that is what I have been doing, and I do hope to re-emerge from time to time over the next few weeks. I apologize for not commenting or reading or being M.I.A. If you don't see me, it's pretty likely that I have been taken hostage in WeddingWorld. But word on the street is that my release date is somewhere around March 26. And it will be nice to live in the outside world permanently again.

Thanks, Inspired Dreamer!!!

2010-02-22T12:04:00.003-05:00

For giving me the opportunity to be the guest blogger! Today I have the great privilege of being the guest blogger at "Out of the Extraordinary." It's my first time doing this, and I feel really excited about it!

If you've never checked out her blog, please do so! She is a great girl with a lot of awesome insights...seeing the extraordinary in everyday life. It's very cool. I've enjoyed following her blog lately - so check her out!

For the guest blog, I wrote about part of my adventure when I had to get another copy of my birth certificate (For that backstory, see here). It's called 'The Negative Space' - a lesson from high school that came back to me while I was on that little digression. I'm a teacher - so it's all about the lesson for me!

I'll be back here later this week, but for today, feel free to meander over to "Out of the Extraordinary!"

Insecure? Who, Me?

2010-02-19T09:53:00.001-05:00

OK -on to So Long Insecurity chapter 2! Thanks for all who commented on the first chapter. [For those just tuning in, see here and here.]

Appreciate your honesty so much - very courageous steps and I applaud that. It's not easy to own up. But I think these are the first steps of overcoming this: admitting it - AND accepting ourselves even with our insecurities, not hating ourselves because of it.

So, the thought chapter 2 opens with is that we all have insecurities - it is a part of being human. But how much do those insecurities limit us or steal our quality of life? And that's the big reason to try to deal with this (besides just how crappy it feels).

Beth gives a specialist's definitions of insecurity [Wow, did I see myself in more than a phrase or two!]:

"a profound sense of self-doubt - a deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and our place in the world...chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about relationships...constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate" (qtd in Moore 17)

A lot of that resonated with me. She makes a few other points that I thought were note-worthy. It really is this complicated mix of self-doubt, self-sabotage, doubting ourselves - and doubting God about ourselves.

One thing she said that is also worth noting is that insecurity can look like self-consciousness and it can look like confidence. Often, perfectionism a cover for insecurity. We think of someone who is self-conscious as willowy, weak, passive. We don't want to be her. We are too proud to be her. But all self-consciousness is is being pre-occupied with self - a constant self-awareness - which really can look like confidence at times, too! So, pride and self-centeredness are indications of insecurity too.

Here is another part she mentions about the whole 'self-consciousness' thing:

"Chronically conscious of self...acute self-awareness and a pre-occupation with self, no matter how it is externalized in life...she is ordinarily more aware of herself than she tends to be of any other person in the room. Whether she feels inferior or superior, she takes a frequent inventory of her place in the space..."

Yeah, I get this...just like an obsessive pre-occupation with self. It's not 100% of the times and it flares up in some environments more than others, but taking a 'frequent inventory of her place in the space'...yeah, that's me.

I want be the girl who is just 'self-forgetful.' She is so absorbed with the moment and the people around her that she is not even aware of herself. That, to me, screams, confidence - and more so because she is not even trying to.

OK, if I haven't overwhelmed you yet, here are some questions she puts out as sort of a self-inventory of insecurity. You may not fit all of them...but a 'yes' to even some could show that there may be an insecurity issue. Which is OK!!! We all have them. But let's be honest and DEAL with it!!!

OK, here are the questions (not an exhaustive list, just a few that she mentions):

Do I cry easily?
Do I avoid the spotlight in social situations?
Do I have a strong desire to make amends whenever I think I have done something wrong?
If someone gets angry with me, do I have a hard time not thinking about it?
Do I sometimes feel anxious for no apparent reason?
Does it hurt my feelings when I learn that someone doesn't like me?
Do I fear that my husband might leave me for someone else?

Now, just because you feel some of these things doesn't necessarily earn you the label of 'insecure' (not that we want to be labeling ourselves or others), but her point was how intensely do you feel these things??? And how long have you been feeling this way??? If it's been more than 90 days, then it is chronic.

The final part of this chapter probably nailed me the most accurately. Here is the specialist's definition as quoted by Beth:

"The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships...often unconscious[ly]...creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically...they are usually unaware of how they are unwittingly accomplices in creating their own misery" (23).

And here is her comment that completed resonated:

"We can be so blessed in certain relationships that our unrealistic expectations often seem met, and therefore, reasonable. We can get away with thinking we're secure people because, for a time, we have the important things just like we want them. But then change happens, and suddenly, we are thrown for a severe emotional loop. We realize we weren't secure. We were spoiled."

Ummm, yeah...me in a nutshell.

OK, I have given you enough to think about! Here is the question for chapter 2:

What part of the definition or description of insecurity resonated most with you and why?

I will give my answer in the comment section. I know this is hard. But it is GOOD!!!

My First Ash Wednesday

2010-02-18T14:29:00.009-05:00

I've never commemorated Ash Wednesday or Lent. I admit, in my judgmental state, I just sort of thought it was an empty ritual - people went to Mass, got some ashes put on their heads, vowed to give up something for a month and then they went on their way.

That is not what I experienced last night.

Since our new house is a bit of a distance from our church (and a nightmare-ish traffic catastrophe to get there), James suggested that we go to a small Baptist church nearby - he had heard there was a Bible study there on Wednesday nights and wanted to check it out.

Well, we get there only to find out it was an Ash Wednesday service. Since we were there already, we decided to stay. The downstairs doors to the fellowship hall were wide open, the lights were on - but nobody was there. Deserted, it felt like.

So, we walked upstairs to go in the main doors, pulled on them, rattled them a little. Locked.

We still were not easily dissuaded, so we tried to scope out another open door on the side of the church. I think we both felt like we were really meant to be there. All the sudden, the main doors swing open and a young guy about our age invited us in - the door just sticks, he said.

So we went into this old church, and it felt like we were stepping back in time...the wooden pews, the hymn numbers posted in the front, candles glowing....the church is just about 150 years old, we later found out. It had a very different feeling than our church. Solemn. Sacred. But I liked it.

The pastor greeted us and welcomed us to the service. James and I sat down - and so did the other guy. And then the pastor started speaking. I thought he was going to wait for more people to come, but he started promptly at 7pm. And no one else came. Just me, James and other guy and the pastor.

The pastor spoke of the significance of the ashes - representing mortality, mourning and repentance. And he gave us each a piece of paper to reflect on things that control us in our lives, that have become 'God' to us, sins and wrong attitudes in our hearts, things that are holding us back.

We each wrote on our paper and then brought it up to the front. This represented our repentance - our acknowledgment of our sin and our sorrow for it. Our shame. I felt it. I felt the weight of my honesty with myself and my short-comings.

And then the pastor burned it and put the ashes on our head. Forgiveness, he said. Our sin was burned up. God forgives us.

And then he said what I think touched me the most:

"When you go home tonight and wash the ashes off your head, remember that God has washed you clean of your sin and guilt. He doesn't see the sin, the shame, the 'ash' - He sees you cleansed, perfect - through Jesus."

And I got it. I got the ashes, I got the idea behind Lent - and I felt the lightness that comes when Grace arrives and puts your burdens on His back. And I realize that what we sacrifice for Lent is not to 'pay for' our sin or to try to do penance; what we give up for Lent is so we can be closer to God, because Jesus already paid for our sin, so now being close to God is possible.

Then we joined hands and all prayed together - the 4 of us - and then James and I stayed a while after and chatted.

Having never been to an Ash Wednesday service, I didn't know if this was the usual protocol - the writing on the paper, the burning it together, the prayer together at the end. It was just a half hour - but I was so touched.

I can't tell you what a nice night it was. No, nice is the definitely the wrong word. It was moving. Sacred. Reverent. Holy.

I just felt like it wasn't an accident for us that we ended up there - and it wasn't an accident for them either. We all just had a sense like this little gathering of 4 was somehow what was meant to be for the night. Well...5. Very apparently, God was there, too.

Source

My Life in Boxes - Letting Go

2010-02-16T09:07:00.008-05:00

It is getting close - 38 days - the sprint to the finish - and all of these things that I've been procrastinating doing but need to be done, nevertheless.

The catalyst of the big event last night was the birth certificate. In NY, we need ours to get our marriage license. Well, my mother has always been the keeper of these papers, but as of late, she has not been keeping them so well! She tried to pawn the loss of the said piece of paper on me, but I assured her, I did not have it in my possession.

"Well, what about when you got your passport?"

"Mom, that was 1996. I was 22 then. I am sure I gave it back to you. I was still living with you at the time."

She told me to just check through my things before we had to go to the town to get another copy. Well, that led to me going into the back of my closet. This isn't just an ordinary closet...it's the kind that goes back and back, under the staircase, so far back that you'd think you would end up in Narnia if you kept going.

And I have been dreading cleaning out this closet. When I was in high school, I was....well...let's say...the sentimental sort. I saved every note, card, award, ticket stub, movie clipping, calendar, token of affection from a boyfriend or crush...anything that could possibly have a memory attached to it.

To my credit, I have to say, it was effective, because in looking at these items, I really did remember some of those things I have forgotten. And some (not all - but some) were actually worth remembering and made me smile at the memory of it.

But it was a strange experience...coming face to face with my life like that. It made me wonder, 'Who was that girl? Was that me?' It felt like two different people - I was a little embarrassed by the 'cheese' of that girl and her friends.

But the question at hand was this: How much of that girl needs to come with this girl? [Which begs another question: Are they two different girls???]

Well, I did throw out a lot, which is cathartic and cleansing for me. I hate clutter. But some things...I just didn't know if I could get rid of:

I have this purple pullover hoodie I got in 8th grade. My girlfriends and I all got these hoodies (long before Abercrombie took the monopoly on the market) and wore them all the time. I just couldn't give it up. I also found this souvenir T-shirt from a Washington DC class trip in 1988. Along with my 'Class of '88' shirt - Class of '88 graduating from 8th grade, that is. We had all signed it...so weird seeing the signature of the 8th grade Katie.

I found all of these old calendars...marked with everyone's birthday in known world (including Ron Darling, who I adored), every event, every party, every school trip...and while I couldn't remember every social extravaganza, there was something comforting in the fact that, even in spite of the insecurity I had felt at that age, I had a full, fun life.

Then I found all of these sports awards I had gotten. And old trophies. And my softball cleats. And my basketball Converse sneakers (which are back in style, I might add)...how do I get rid of all of this stuff? True, it might not be important to me, but it was important to her, the girl I once was, the girl who I suppose is still a part of who I am now.

Part of me wanted to just chuck everything out in the garbage - too much energy to go through all of this stuff. But another part of me felt that I owed myself this process - to reread some of the letters, look through some of the pictures, if at least one last time, to give my past the tribute and time it deserved. I owed it to the girl who felt it was important enough to her to save.

I didn't really come up with a system of what to keep and what to pitch. I know James would have a coronary if I showed up at our house with all this stuff. And honestly, it is too much work to hold on to every single memory and experience, as much as I try. So, I had to keep some and let some go. And, I'm still in the process of deciding. I couldn't decide it all last night.

So, I threw out a bunch of trophies, but kept a few of the meaningful ones. Same thing with awards. Pitched the cleats but kept the Converse (historic memorabilia, I tell myself). I got rid of some of the pictures I had stolen from yearbook, but kept the ones that really made me laugh or smile. I kept the cards that had something written in it that I might want to read again - or maybe my kids or grandkids would like to read some day; I threw out the old love notes, cards and gifts that I had held on to because, 'You never know..." (Well, yeah - now, I know. Good riddance!)

I got rid of folders of notes from my college classes - information I could easily look up on the internet now - but I kept a report card or class schedule or two.

I still may need to rake over all that stuff one last time, but it is getting thinner and it makes me feel like I am making progress.

But it is still kinda hard to let go.

Men Are Not the Problem

2010-02-13T09:01:00.007-05:00

Nailed. Completely. I started reading the 2 chapters of So Long Insecurity, and it was painful but compelling at the same time. So much of her reflections could have come from my journal over the past months...insecurity just seems to be a root of so much. Grrrr...

On her site, Beth combines two chapters into one. I think I may split them, just because there is so much there and a few of you may not read the book but are along for the ride (and you are totally welcome to do so!) - so I'd like to include some excerpts without making each post a novel.

Her first point in chapter one is that really, insecurity is a CHRONIC problem among women. It is more the rule than the exception. It expresses itself different for all of us, but most of us can trace our symptoms of a particular issue in our lives to the root cause of insecurity.

She really begins by saying that we, as women -part because of our culture and part because we are a little 'broken' inside - look for our validation from men. Biblically, men should be validating us, true. But here is the questions she posed that I thought was thought-provoking:

"What if no one tells us that? Can we still find a way to be okay? Or what if he says it because he's supposed to, but to be honest, he's not feeling it? Are we hopeless? What if a man is not captivated by us? What if he doesn't think we are particularly beautiful? Or, understandably, maybe just not every day? Are we only secure on his 'on' days?....Or what if you're single and there's not a man on the horizon you want to take home to Daddy? Honestly, is there no validation for our womanhood apart from a man? (5)"

She then goes on to say:

"Men are not our problem; it's what we are trying to get from them that messes us up. Nothing is more baffling than our attempt to derive our womanhood from our men. We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable. Beautiful. Desirable. Worthy of notice. Viable. We try to read their expressions and moods in order to determine whether it's time to act smart or hard to get or play dumb and needy [Oh, man! Guilty as charged!
] ....we're attempting to get our security from a gender that doesn't really have much to spare. Our culture is just as merciless on men as it is on women. Their insecurities take different shapes, but make no mistake: they've got them. You know it. I know it. ...Let's face it. Men want us to get a grip anyway. They don't like the pressure of being in charge of our sense of value. It's too much for them (7-8)"

This really made me think. Yeah, I do this. A lot. I try to act more secure, but as much as I try to suppress my insecurity, it squeezes itself out in some shape or form. It won't be denied; it just has to be conquered. And it made me ask, "Why does it matter so much what he thinks???" I'm not saying it shouldn't matter at all, but why so much????

The part that really made me think was how she used the analogy of using a guy as a mirror to see if we are valuable. It's like his view of us is, for us, the real picture of who we are. Why does what he think of us get to be the deciding factor of the truth of our value and worth and beauty?

His opinion is the bottom-line, absolute truth of who we are??? I'm not saying we shouldn't strive to be our best for the men in our live, but we are giving them a lot of power in that their opinion of us becomes absolute truth and the final verdict of who we are. That is kind of scary. But I do it all the time. And it begs the question: Did I just make him God in my life??? Whoa....that is really scary...but I think I do it all the time...

So, that thought has been resonating all weekend with me. Every time I feel that surge of insecurity start to rear its head, I start thinking to myself: "So this person's opinion of me is now the truth of who I am?" And it has helped to remind myself that it is, really and truly, only God's opinion of me that is the truth of who I am.

OK, so hopefully you found something thought-provoking in our start! The question Beth posed for chapter one is this:

Chapter One: When was the last time you came face-to-face with our gender’s massive struggle with insecurity? Describe the setting.

Feel free to answer in the comments below, comment on your thoughts, the reading - or not comment at all! :)

So Long, Insecurity!

2010-02-10T09:42:00.004-05:00

I've had enough of this. Seriously. Insecurity. The more I look at myself, the more I hear from other bloggers, the more I witness the behavior of other girls I know - teenagers, my students, adults - I am convinced this is the silent emotional killer of women.

I'm a fairly introspective person, and I am always trying to uncover the roots of my feelings or behavior. "Why am I feeling this way? Why am I doing this?" I've been told that my habit of introspection is sometimes on steroids - and I would agree - but the answers always seem to have their roots in that one, ugly word: insecurity.

Why, as women, are we so freakin' insecure? Is it society? Is it our relationships? Or (this is what I truly suspect) is it something that is just broken inside of us and needs to be fixed?

I always thought that when I reached the 'next' phase - a job worthy of respect, a purposeful ministry, a healthy relationship, then I would feel secure. Happy. Comfortable in my own skin.

But, even with those things, something feels 'off.' Not right. Broken. And again, maybe it is because I am the introspective type, but I get the funny feeling I am not alone.

So, in this phase of the journey, I really want to try to deal with this issue. Ideally, I would like to have it resolved before my wedding, but I don't think that will be the case. I have a feeling this will be a little more involved than just a 6-week crash course. And, I am sure I will have new insecurities to deal with even after I get married.

And here is where you come in. If you would like to join me on this leg, here is my plan. A new book by Beth Moore has crossed my path So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us. On her website, she is hosting a book-reading blog discussion group. Each week, she is going to post an assignment and a question, and then readers will be able to respond and comment.

There are close to 5,000 people who are going to participate on Beth Moore's site , and I know, for me, that discussion is going to be a little overwhelming.I am planning to participate over there, but I am also going to host and post the same assignments and question (and maybe add a few dimensions, depending on what it looks like) over here on a smaller, more personal scale. I may even just include a quote or passage from the book for those who might want to participate but may not want to read the book.

I haven't even gotten the book yet, but I plan to grab a copy once the snow stops! She is posting her first assignment and question tomorrow, Thursday, February 11th. And I believe how it works is that there will be a week to read and comment (just like an online class).

If you are one of the fortunate secure ones, feel free to opt out. However, if you are anything like me and are wanting to get rid of this silent killer once and for all, then I hope you will hop on board. Would you do me a favor and drop me a comment if you plan to join? Then we can work on getting this all set up!

Yay! I'm excited! Soooooo long, Insecurity....you have been a bad friend to us and I am more than ready to see you go!

Silver Lining: Found

2010-02-07T13:52:00.006-05:00

As I mentioned in my last post, I was a little down about all the wedding drama going on. In the grand scheme of things, life would go on, but in the moment? I indulged in a little self-pity and let myself sulk a little, knowing things would look better in the morning.

Well, if you are familiar with Long Island weather, we got no snow yesterday. No-thing. This is what I woke up to:

But anyway, I got up and tried not to let it get me down for the day. So, the silver lining. Not just to help me feel better about the shower but just as important as a life skill, I knew I needed to start looking on the bright side. It really was ridiculous to stay upset over it.

So, here is the silver lining:

First of all, James was great. He was totally sympathetic that the shower was an important day for me. We went out for lunch together to an Indian buffet and just spent the rest of the day in our house, on the couch, watching TV and movies. The cancellation provided James with the opportunity to show his extra-sweet side. And that meant alot to me. It also gave me and James some quality time, which I love more than anything.

Next, it showed me the heart of my family. They really wanted my shower to be special, and they didn't want it to be spoiled by a storm and have nobody show up. Their hearts were in the right place, and I am really lucky to have them.

Then, the drama between me and my friend got cleared up (via Facebook), but cleared up all the same. Apparently, it was a misunderstanding, and by the end of the day, things were fine with us and he'll be at the wedding.

My bridesmaid issue is still up in the air, but I feel like we will be able to resolve it.

Finally, I received so much encouragement from blog-friends, which really was amazing too. The sympathy and understanding from 'strangers' was really touching, quite honestly. I shouldn't be, but sometimes I am amazed at the kindness of people, especially strangers. And even from friends, too. They were more sympathetic than I would have been, if the situations were reversed. That was a bittersweet revelation for me - it really showed me how tough I can be on people, in my own mind. If what they are going through is important to them, it should be important to me.

So, there was a silver lining, as I knew there would be.

So what do I take from all of this?

Well,
#1. If at all possible, try not to plan major life events in the winter.
#2. Don't stress over things you can't control.
#3. Just because things don't turn out how you want them to doesn't mean that things still can't be good. It's just a different good.
#4. There is always something good you can take from every situation - i.e. a silver lining.

silver lining n.
A hopeful or comforting prospect in the midst of difficulty

A silver lining, indeed.

The Silver Lining

2010-02-05T21:43:00.006-05:00

I am still trying to find it. Yes, it has been one of those days. It started with a bad dream I woke up from early this morning...I had this dream that James and I were fighting, and he just would not talk to me! I kept trying to resolve it, and he would just walk away and ignore me! It was terrible!

When the fog cleared and I realized it was only a dream, I still had this heaviness on my heart. Then I remembered...last night, I had gotten an email from a bridesmaid who wasn't sure if she could be in my wedding anymore. I totally understood the reasons, but I just felt so deflated [It might still work out, but it's just a bummer].

I rolled out of bed, got my cup of coffee, journaled for a little while and then checked my email. Well, in it was a totally unexpected email from a very close friend who was apparently very upset with me about something pertaining to the wedding 'bring a guest' issue.

'You aren't serious, right???' was all I could think. And this wasn't the first time this issue had come up either. Didn't people get it when you are paying for a wedding yourself and you have to cut even close friends and other family members because you can't afford to invite them???

Slowly, my enthusiasm was draining.

And, by around 1pm, I got the bad news: my bridal shower, that was supposed to be tomorrow, was being canceled due to the threat of snow. We are in a precarious stretch of this East Coast storm, where we could get a lot or nothing. But they couldn't risk it - so they postponed it until 2 weeks later.

At that point, I was just done. This was too much for me - too much drama, too much work. Where was all of this experience that people blog about saying how much fun wedding planning is? I keep waiting for it to get fun. It hasn't been. I know that is sad to say, but I don't know if it has been fun yet. I know the end result will be great, but this process hasn't been.

In the grand scheme of things, I know this isn't a huge deal. The bridal shower will happen [and even if it didn't, it's not the end of the world - alot of people have it far worse. I know.] The wedding will happen, and the people who care enough about us will be there. But I just didn't anticipate all this. It's not fun. I keep waiting for it to be fun.

So, trying not to camp out in the land of sulky-poor-me-feel-sorry-for-me, I'm off to find the silver lining. I know it is there. And I know that there have been some ~~alot of~~ good things that have happened through all of this. I know that, for sure. And deep in my heart, I know things will all work out and there are reasons for everything. I know everything will be fine.

But is it OK if I look for it tomorrow? I know I shouldn't camp out here, but I might just lie down and take a nap for a little while. I'll be over this spot by morning and will be ready for some new scenery. And I'm sure the world will look a little brighter by then.

silver lining n.
A hopeful or comforting prospect in the midst of difficulty

Yeah, it's there. It's definitely there. But a little sleep might help me see it better in the morning.

Some Love from Friends

2010-02-02T21:02:00.007-05:00

A few kind friends in Blogworld have sent over a little encouragement. That is a great feeling - hands down. But being fairly new to Blogworld, I never quite know how these things work. There are some rules to getting them, which usually involves awarding others.

I love to pass on the love, but I kinda feel like a bit of a poser with no real authority to bestow awards on others (who am I to give out awards??? I'm no Grand Puba in Blogworld) after I receive my award.

But I sort of feel like I'll get in trouble by the 'blog-police' [who are they????] if I don't follow the rules. Or, the awarder will think I'm a snob if I don't continue to pay it forward. But honestly, I'm hesitant because I don't really feel worthy to be awarding awards to people who are clearly higher up on the Blogworld ladder. Does that make sense??? It's a funny little place, this Blogworld...

But, in receiving my award, let me perform my due-diligence in Blogworld, which I am more than happy to do:

I got this sweet award from Meg at Just Another Manic Mommy. What a wonderful, strong mom. I've enjoyed following her journey a bit. Anyhow, she gave me this award:
The 'rules' to accepting this are as follows:
1.) acknowledge the person who gave it to me (see Meg, above)
2.) list 10 items that make me happy
3.) award it to 10 other bloggers.

Then, my good friend Chocolate Lover at "A Chocolate Lover's Confession" sent over this one to me. She is another bride-to-be, a big encouragement and I have learned so much from her. I also like the idea of friends in Blogworld. Sometimes it can feel intimidating, so this is especially meaningful to me:
The rules for this one is to list 5 Things I Love to Do and pass this on to 5 other bloggers.

I am going to cheat just a little bit. I will do the 10 Things that Make Me Happy and the 5 Things I Love to Do.

And then, I would like to pass on both of these awards to 10 bloggers (instead of 10 and 5). Since I am doing 2 awards to 10 bloggers, I think I am doing more than the rules call for - 20 awards! Is that allowed? Don't know if the 'blog-police' will come after me, but I'll risk it.

And to you bloggers who get the award, you can receive it any way you like. You can just enjoy it, pass it on, follow the 'rules' - or not. No blog-police will come after you. Promise.

So, without further ado...

10 Things that Make Me Happy

10.) I am happy to write the 10 Things that Make Me Happy! I plan to do some 'Top Ten' stuff on my blog up-and-coming, so it is good practice!

9.) My fiancee - he drives me a crazy a good percent of the time, but he makes my life very full and happy.

8.) Finally finding time to go to the gym today

7.) Thinking about Winter Break in 2 weeks!

6.) Our new house - we are so blessed!

5.) My bridal shower this weekend (please pray it doesn't snow!)

4.) Sitting with my nephew watching The Office

3.) Blogging...it has become a new favorite hobby - and the cool people I have met in Blogworld.

2.) My family - they are my support and my rock.

And the number 1 thing that makes me happy is:
1.) My security in Jesus. When all else fails, He never will.

5 Things I Love to Do

5.) Sleep

4.) Sleep ( I love to do it that much)

3.) Listen to worship music

2.) Have meaningful conversations

1.) Travel

Award it to 10 other bloggers

That is the easy, fun part. I have met so many great bloggers here.

1. To Nicolasa at"Low Expectations" - a teacher and a wonderfully authentic and beautiful person.

2. To Kathryn at "Singing in the Rain"- A great sister in God who has a lot of wisdom and a lot of great connections to great resources, too (Did I mention she was great? lol)

3. To Diana at "The Girl Creative" -She is my little sister and to her I owe any and all blogging success! She is the craftiest girl I know and I am so proud of her and her crafty niche. She has over 200 followers! Go, girl!

4. To Paloma at "The Coffee Shop"- A sweet friend who always has an encouraging word and a caring spirit.

5. To Janet at "Out of the Extraordinary" - A genuine, spiritual, honest girl who has given me a lot to think about with her honest posts.

6. To Jen at "After the Alter" - A great writer documenting beyond the wedding day - all things life-related. Always an interesting read!

7. To Jessica at "Adjusting to the World" - Already a good friend and spiritual encouragement!

8. To Kate at "Newlywed and Unemployed" - Always a good read! I have appreciated her straight-forwardness and willing to share her life stories.

9. To Crystal at "Into the Wings" - A true kindred spirit! I have genuinely appreciated her encouragement and dedication to the Lord.

10. To Holly at "504 Main" - A totally hip mom and person, with always something fun and useful and interesting to read!

OK - so, there it is...and I'm passing the love - yours to do what you will. :)

Just Breathe

2010-02-01T21:58:00.002-05:00

I actually need to remind myself to do that sometimes. Slow down. Inhale. Now, exhale (sometimes I need to remind myself to do that, too).

It has been a marathon week/weekend. We had midterms last week (for English teachers, it is the week from Satan. Our NYS comprehensive test for juniors is actually a six-hour test. Yes, you heard me right. S.I.X. H.O.U.R.S. Absolutely ridiculous). Anyway, we also closed on our house last week, had to clean out James' apartment and then start moving him into the house.

Phone calls to get the water turned on, the electric turned on, the cable turned on (Optimum-Triple-Play, baby!), the old phone turned off, the oil delivered. Running around to move furniture, shop for furniture, transport furniture...running to the store to get cleaning supplies, extension cords, groceries - and trying to feed ourselves in the process (I am so over take-out!).

Whew! Deep breath - in...out...

Running to church for Christian Education Sunday (I would have been so tempted to skip if not for that! But teachers needed to be there), few more grading of midterms over the weekend, and it was back to work today.

I am s.h.o.t.

The blessings of God to us during this are truly overwhelming - truly - , but you want to know what the sad part is? I keep finding myself saying, "I can't wait until all this is over."

Is that terrible?

This is such an exciting time of my life...really, it is...but it feels overwhelming, exhausting...it feels like a lot. I am trying to savor all of these wonderful things, but I am wondering if I can even keep up. I cross one thing off my mental list, and three others pop up in its place.

So, that's why I need to remind myself to just breathe. In. Out. It is going by so fast, and I don't want to miss it.

Be in the moment. One thing, one step, one breath at a time.

I remember reading a book by John Ortberg [God is Closer Than You Think], and he posed the question (I am paraphrasing and I hope I'm not butchering it):

"What is the greatest moment of your life?"

After such a leading question, he goes on to say that right now, this very moment, is the greatest moment of your life, because it is the only moment you have. That's it. Right now. So, right now is it...it is what I make of it. Will it be great, or will I wish it away? What a waste of a potentially great moment.

So, with all that is up and coming, I am going to try to just breathe. Take each moment as it comes. And try to experience each moment as the greatest moment of my life.

Just breathe. It will be OK. It might even be great.

Growing Up

2010-01-28T22:13:00.003-05:00

I wish I could remember the exact conversation that precipitated the thought, but I can tell you exactly where I was when I had it. James and I were driving from his place to our new house (I couldn't help it! I love saying it!) - and we were making arrangements for getting the mail forwarded or calling LIPA (our power company) or some other home-owner related task.

And I said something along the lines of, "I guess we finally have to grow up." He mumbled something like, "No, I think you can grow up..." to which I replied back that we needed two grown-up people in this marriage... And the conversation just got me thinking...

All this home-owner business - all this marriage business - it is the stuff of grown-ups. It's not like I feel like James and I aren't grown up. I'm 36, he is 41, we both have stable careers, pay our bills, having working cars, are not homeless...we aren't immature - we are responsible individuals. But I wonder if not being immature is the same thing as being grown up.

And, I guess that, at any point prior to this, we could still choose not to act like grown ups - and it wouldn't really affect anyone but ourselves.

Not anymore - it's different now. If I choose not to act grown up, it's not just me in my un-grown-up world. You can't live in an un-grown-up world and get to enjoy all the things that only come in a grown up world.

And even though I would say we act grown-up a majority of the time, I guess it is the idea that now we have to grow up. And as much as we maybe have resisted seeing ourselves in that demographic, we have, really and truly, entered the grown-up world.

I've been reflecting on how things will be different. I think the move and the house is what really spurred on this chain of thought...

I rent an apartment from my parents...I have for the past 5 years. Beside my years in college and despite my numerous, unsuccessful attempts to move out, I have lived at this address my whole life. As much as I have wanted my independence and freedom, I can't deny the convenience of just 'running upstairs' if I ran out of milk or just wanted to borrow an egg. Or, if I didn't feel like cooking. Or, if my car started making a weird noise. Or if I needed help hanging my black and white pictures.

That's gonna change. I won't be running to dad when I need something fixed and I won't be asking mom to cook for me when I'm too tired ~~lazy~~ to cook for myself. As much as it might not have always been the most 'mature' action, I could get away with it. No longer.

The house, the move, the marriage...I can't escape it. It is time to grow up.

So, all these things we could 'get away with', if we wanted to....not anymore.

It's exciting to me to think of having our own home and running a household and being in charge of my own little corner of real estate. But it is a little scary, too. I wonder if I am ready to be a 'real' grown-up. With a house. And a mortgage. With no escape clause if I don't like how it is working out (owning a home, I mean - although I don't believe in an escape clause from marriage either. But the home is what I was referring to).

Maybe it is the idea of commitment - commitment is very mature and adult. It is the essence of 'grown-up.' And I think that is good for us. It's not like we don't know about commitment or that we haven't thought about it or haven't commitment to anything before this...but I guess it is more tangible now. More permanent.

Buying a house is a very grown-up step. And so is getting married. I think we are ready for it. [I think.] I think it's time. And honestly, I think we need to do it. Being a 40-year-old 20-year-old is a little unbecoming.

So grown-up world, ready or not, here we come.

Movin' Out - Part 3: The Morning After

2010-01-26T08:39:00.011-05:00

So, yesterday, we closed on our house [insert excited squeal here]!

For those who missed the previous episode and are interested, you can catch up on part 1 and part 2.

I was a bundle of nervous energy all day, but I not only worked one of my jobs, but both. Everyone asked me 'How can you even work today???' It definitely helped me to stay productive ~~distracted me from being nervous~~ - and, well, if I don't work, I don't buy a house.

Everything went without a hitch. The lawyers were great, the owners were amazing (one of the nicest couples I have ever met...an older couple around 65-70 years old)...and there in the lawyer's office surrounded by a cloud of witnesses, James and I signed our life away for the next 30 years.

We went out for dinner to celebrate (yes, we still actually had a little something in our checking account) and then headed over to our house.

It was surreal as we pulled in, and I said to James, "Hon, this is our driveway... to our house..."

We went into the house, and inside the fridge was a bottle of wine from the owners. There really wasn't anything we could do just yet, but we just wanted to be there. (Well, we had our first hug in our new house :) . So we just parked ourselves on the living room floor and were just quiet for a while.

So many changes, all happening so fast. I am so thankful they are good changes, but changes none the less. I guess that is what I feel most unprepared for: this roller coaster of emotions. I just sort of thought I would float on puffy clouds through this whole wedding-marriage-home-buying process.

As I mentioned in my previous post, there is a bit of a back-story as to why it was so huge for us to get this house:

[I never want to share too much of James' business, so I will do my best to convey the story while respecting the fact that he is not blogging his life on the internet...]

James had something of a 'colorful' childhood as far as where he lived, home life, etc. He has lived in lots of different places, with different people, over the course of his childhood. And as you might guess, that's not really the most advantageous environment for a kid to grow up in. So, 'home' never really had the greatest connotations, if the concept even existed in his mind at all.

Our God is so redemptive and in spite of all the disadvantages he faced, he (with God's help) has made his life something to be proud of. I certainly am, and I know God is, too.

Ok, back to the house...well, the apartment James has lived in for the past 8 years is the longest he has ever lived in one place. And he LOVES the area he rents in (which happens to be a bit pricey). And as one might conjecture, that has become 'home' for him. The idea of leaving a place that a person has grown so attached to is hard, even if it is a good change. So, when we were discussing where we would live, you can imagine some of the inner conflict.

Now when the possibility presented itself to us to buy a house, I so wanted this for James. I wanted us to have a chance to not only have a place where we could settle and not have to move in a year, but one that would be his own home. To me, it just seemed so right and redemptive that, at the start of our marriage, he would be able to begin his new life with something he never had before - something so integral to it.

So, when we found this house, I wanted this so badly for him. It's small and modest (we're OK with that) but most importantly, it would be ours. Not only did it seem like something we would really be happy with, but it was only 2 miles from where he lives now. And liked I mentioned, he loves this area. That is when I really started getting fearful that this wouldn't work out. I would have been more disappointed for him than for me.

In being an honest storyteller, I have to say that James never mentioned that this carried the same importance to him. It might just be my female conjecture, but I'm guessing some similar thoughts may have run through his mind too. But I know that I just wanted him to have the feeling of joy and safety and sanctuary that having a home that is your own to come back to each day brings.

I know, every couple would like to have a home at the start of their marriage. I agree. But for us, I just felt like there was a lot more riding on it; it was a lot more significant. But that's just me.

So when we signed those papers and drove into the driveway of our home, I was in awe of this new reality God had created for us. It all just seemed so providential. And - we found out that for a reasonable yearly fee, we actually have private beach rights to four different beaches! (I tell here how James feels about the beach and what it means to him. And actually, now that I think about it, it is so cool that God is giving us a new beach - and not just Cedar Beach - to be our beach.)

Last night before we left, we prayed together on our living room floor in our empty house and asked God to bless it and make it a home for us- with love and peace, that we would be a light to our neighbors, that this gift from Him to us would be consecrated to Him and used for His purposes.

So, the morning after, we are (still) smiling at His faithfulness.

"The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning ;
Great is Your faithfulness."

~Lamentations 3:22-23

Movin' Out - Part 2

2010-01-24T07:23:00.010-05:00

For those just tuning in, you can catch the first part of the story in my last post.

OK, I left off describing how we lost the bid on the first house we were hoping for. Here is where we pick up again:

After about a week of licking our wounds, we started to look again. Armed with our new list, we did the circuit again. By the end of the day, there were two that we were interested in. We made an appointment with our realtor, and it was clear which was the better of the two.

The one we liked had just been updated with new siding, roof, windows, doors, cesspool, fence, and electric. It was a nice-sized flat lot (rare in that area) with the potential to be expanded in any direction - and it had a white picket fence to boot.

Not to be outdone again, we put in an offer right away.

While we were waiting to hear back from the realtors, James and I would say to ourselves, "What are we doing??? Should we even be doing this??? Now??? A wedding and a house???? Are we crazy???" It's funny though, because all of the wise people we ran this crazy scheme by affirmed that it was not so crazy after all. In fact, it was a smart move (Yay! Point for us!).

A few phone calls, a few negotiations, a few stipulations - but they took it. They accepted our offer.

We could hardly believe this was happening for us. Now that we had gone beyond 'just a dream' to a 'real possibility,' my anxiety started to kick in a notch. By this time, I was scared to get my hopes us.

There's a little bit of a back-story as to why this was so important to us that I'll share another time, but just trust me when I say, moving into 'our' house was important to me. We had prayed at every stage of this process and we knew we would be OK if things didn't work out. But the blessing it would be to move into a house that was actually ours would be was huge (and not in the I-need-to-be-living-the-American-dream- kind of way).

But, deep down, I just felt like this was a long-shot (See? My negative thinking!). There were just so many odd-shaped pieces that had to fit together:

The taxes had to fall within a certain amount. {They did.}

The house had to pass inspection. {It did.}

We had to officially get approved for the mortgage. {We did.}

The seller had to agree to the closing concessions. {He did.}

And he had to agree to do the minor repairs. {Yes, that too.}

The house had to be appraised for the right amount. {Mmm- hmmm. You know where this is going...}

I was so afraid we would get to the next stage and the bottom would fall out. But to my surprise, ~~lack of faith~~, God kept the ground firm beneath us and opened the next door for us to walk through. There were a few unexpected expenses (which actually is to be expected), but amazingly, the money was there each time. Don't ask me how...but it was.

So, yesterday, we did the walk-through, and we are so convinced this was the right house. The owner was amazing and spent over two hours with us, showing us the ropes and letting us pick his brain for how we might do some renovations. We were so excited to plan and dream and imagine our life together in this house.

It all happened so fast - we only started house-shopping in November! But the contract was signed by December 22, and we will be closing tomorrow on January 25. And honestly, the timing is perfect. Any earlier, we would have had to pay the mortgage and my rent for a few months. Any later, the wedding would have been right on top of us.

So, James will start moving in this week, which will give him the weeks between the Jets play-offs and the Super Bowl to get settled in ~~the TV hooked up~~(and if you knew my James, you would know what a big deal that is!). Then, little by little, I will bring my stuff over and then move myself in after the wedding (Yes, we are waiting until after we are married to live together).

We are prepared for the next few weeks to be a little crazy, but we are totally awe-struck when we sit back and think this over. Who would have thought a social services housing worker and a Christian school teacher on Long Island could have ever afforded to buy a home on Long Island???

It is beyond what we would have thought to ask - but not beyond what God would have thought:

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you," says the Lord,
"thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

~ Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)

Only God could have come up with this. Only God can make those crazy-shaped-pieces-that-don't-fit...fit.

Our new 2 bedroom 'cozy' cottage. Thank you, Jesus!

Movin' Out - Part 1

2010-01-22T20:29:00.017-05:00

The big move. That has been on my mind the most this week. And on the floor of my apartment. This is just a small corner of the chaos I have been living in: The place is in disarray, but it is sort of metaphoric for my state of mind: scattered, disorganized, too much activity in one small place...but an current of excitement underneath it all.

On Monday coming up, we are closing on our house.

Ok, let me back up and tell you how we got here, before I start diving into the internal/mental/emotional/over-emotional aspects of the move.

It is so miraculous that we are in this position. Honestly. It was God. After we got engaged, we didn't really talk about where we would live; we just assumed that we would just rent an apartment. Realistically, that was all we could afford to do.

But one day James mentioned that a guy at work just bought a condo, and put x amount down and only pays y each month. He mentioned that we should look into it. I asked him if he was serious [James 'mentions' a lot of things] - because if he was, I would start researching. He was.

So, I did a few google searches, signed up for a real estate listing that popped up, and soon, I was getting email updates of homes for sale in the area we were looking in. OK, there were a few possibilities. Of some really cute homes. That we could afford.

I have a church friend who does mortgages, so I gave him a call and just asked him to run our numbers and see what he thought. Was this even a realistic possibility??? I told him how much money we had in hand, what we could probably afford a month, our salaries, debt, credit, etc. Did he think we could get approved for a mortgage and how much cash in hand did we need. And I wanted him to factor in every possible, potential cost. If it wasn't realistic, I didn't even want to get my hopes up.

He checked it out and said, 'Yeah, Katie. I can pre-approve you for x amount -and for an FHA (First-time Homebuyer's loan) putting only 3.5% down. With the cash you have, it should be no problem.' And the interest rate he thought we could get? About 5%.

Whoooaaaaa. Deep breath. 3.5% down - we can afford that. The cash in hand needed - we had that. The payments with those rates would be x dollars per month. We can afford that. And that is what we would probably be paying for rent for a 2 bedroom apartment anyway.

Ok. Another deep breath. So this really was a possibility.

All-righty then, here we go. I pulled together a list of addresses, and we went 'shopping' on November 1st. One of the houses on our list was actually having an open house that day. Just went on the market that week. In fact, it was my favorite of all the houses on my list. We went in, took a look around...and we were in love.

We were so excited about the possibility of this house. It was within walking distance from the beach, move-in condition, big kitchen, granite countertops...it seemed perfect for us. We could totally see ourselves raising a family here.

We put an offer in that week. Too low. Her realtors told us that the owner wasn't going to get into a bidding war. She just wanted best offers and then after a week, she would choose. We had met the owner when we were there and really felt a connection with her, so we thought we had a good chance. 'Unofficially,' our realtor told us that it was between us and another couple; the owner felt torn - liked us both. Our realtor said to write a letter...sometimes that can sway the vote. So I did - a darn touching letter, I might add - sincere and honest - but touching.

About a week later, we got the call.

She chose the other couple.

Defeat.

More to come on how this story played out in the next post...

{For those who have read this before, I decided to break the original story into two posts, due to length! Sorry for any confusion!}

Blog Envy - And Other Bits of Soul-Searching

2010-01-19T21:41:00.006-05:00

Blogging has been an interesting leg of the 'journey.' Being fairly new to the blogging world, I remember trying to nail down my philosophy as far as what I was going to write - and to who. Was I writing for me? For you? How much energy and effort should I put into getting readers and followers? My first and second posts on my initial blog 'One Girl's Journey' kind of explored that a little.

It's been interesting to look back and see why I started blogging in the first place. And in the short time I have been doing it...it has caused me to do a little soul-searching.

A few other really good blogs I have come across sort of tackled some of the issues in blog-world. After the Altar had a really good post about blog-world being like high school - trying to get in with the 'popular crowd' so we get noticed (or read, in this case). Out of the Extraordinary put up a post about our tendency to be ruled by the amount of comments we get and if we get 'back-commented' (I mean, who hasn't been there?). And I came across a rebel blogger who just didn't care anymore if anyone read her blog - she was writing for herself. And I totally respect that.

But like I said, it has caused me to look again at my original purpose for blogging. I think it is fair to say a certain amount of 'evolution' might take place as we are all kind of putting ourselves out there and figuring out what kind of blogger we want to be (well, me at least).

But it has made me question even my own sincerity sometimes. Am I just writing what I think people will read - or what I feel inspired to write about? Am I commenting so someone will comment back? Do I become a follower of someone hoping they will become a follower of my blog? Am I just writing a certain way to get in with the popular 'blog crowd'? Am I trying to fit in and be like everyone else?

If that is the case, then that's pretty crappy. I think we all can smell insincerity a mile away.

So, it has caused me to re-think my blog and purposes for blogging. I feel like I am still kind of 'defining' what kind of blogger I am. For instance, take the title - 'One Girl's Journey to the Altar.' My original blog was just called 'One Girl's Journey.' My sister encouraged me to make a branch that focused on my wedding.

I have been doing this wedding blog thing steadily since the fall, and I have to say, I find myself wishing this leg of my 'blogging journey' hurries up and gets done because I am feeling a little confined by it. I mean, I love talking about my wedding, but it is not my entire life. Nor do I want it to be. And I have a hard time believing everyone out there is as interested in my wedding plans as I am.

I have nothing against girls whose blogs focus entirely on that - and I am all about idea-sharing - [I actually enjoy reading those kinds of blogs], but I don't know if that is for me. I have ideas and thoughts about lots of other things, and it feels restricting to me to only write about my wedding. And if you notice some of my posts, I haven't been able to stick with it. I try to put a 'wedding slant' on it to be true to the title, but it's like trying to make a shopping cart with a broken wheel go straight. Feels like a bit of a strain.

So, all of that to say... I have some ideas of where I think this is going. I actually have alot of ideas in my head, and I'm kinda excited. Not that it is going to be totally different - in fact, it might be kind of similar to what it is now - just tweaked a bit. And not to say that it might not have some of a 'catch' to it, but I will know in my heart it is what I want to do and I'm not doing it for the wrong reasons.

But I'm making a promise, at least to myself, that it is going to be true - to who I am and the kind of writer I want to be. Not imitating the blogs who have lots of followers and get lots of comments. Not gimmicky just to get my followers and comments up. It is going to be sincere -in what I write and in all my dealings with other bloggers. None of this 'give to get' kinda thing.

So, I'm not fully sure where it's all heading, but we'll see where the journey takes me. Being true to my commitment to be "honest and sincere", I will say that I would love to have you along for some of the ride. But if this is where you feel you need to part ways - all the best and Godspeed! Sincerely! And if you choose to come along for the ride...thank you, and I hope we can learn a little from each other.

So stay tuned!

Distracted: The Lure of the Sirens

2010-01-18T16:59:00.013-05:00

It's getting bad. I have so much to do, and I am so distracted. This is not uncommon for me, but because I have so much to do with work, the wedding and the house, it is even more important that I focus. Well, the verdict is not looking so great for me today. :(

Today we get MLK Jr day off, and I had these lofty plans of spending the day getting my English essays graded (my 11th graders are taking the NY English Regents in two weeks).

The J-man and my nephew went to an Islanders game with his dad and nephew, so I saw them off about 11am. As a good fiancee, I lovingly offered to have dinner ready when they got back (I am trying really hard to learn how to cook), so that would necessitate a trip to the grocery store at some point. That's a valid distraction. I mean,we gotta eat, right?

Then, since I was off today, my mom wanted to go to Costco to get the card renewed (we have a joint membership). Of course, you can't say no to the woman who gave you birth?

OK, so Costco. Ohhhhh, Costco. Besides all the fun, super-size stuff (and free food samples!), they also have furniture! And that is where the distractions for the day really took off.

I just found out that we are OFFICIALLY closing on our new home next Monday! That is another post (oh my, did God ever put this together for us), but anyway, my eyes began to wander over to the furniture section in Costco. They had these microfiber sectionals (with the chaise). So nice! And the poor J-man will move in first...with only his bed, a chair, a coffee table, and some bookshelves. So what could a loving fiancee to do besides scope out some new furniture for her man, right?

I know I shouldn't really even look until we close ~~make sure we have enough money to close~~, but I just started getting excited and couldn't stop myself. I sat down on the sofa and sank right in. So comfortable! Then, my mom says, "You know, you might want to jump on that. They probably won't have them for too long here." OK, if I was calm and patient at all before this, that was slowly becoming a faint memory.

I resisted doing anything drastic, but I couldn't get it off my mind. So, when I got home, I put the chili on (such an easy recipe - My sister at The Girl Creative hooked me up), tried to discipline myself to grade, but the evil-Siren-computer was singing: "This deal won't last forever. You really need to start looking today." I knew I had more immediate stuff to attend to, but the song was so.darn.convincing. Tie me to the mast of the boat! Odysseus, I feel your pain!

It happened slowly - I did make a valiant effort. I gave myself a time limit: "OK, it is 2:43. Just 17 more minutes and that's it.' And that worked. For awhile. At about 3:13, when I had graded about a paper and a half, I remembered that Ikea sells inexpensive furniture, too. Ok - but just for a minute.

Well, it is now 5:27 and I have gotten 7 essays graded. Not good.

But, in trying to work on my negative thinking ~~make excuses to myself~~, on the bright side, I know that Craig's List has some good local options for house items, Ebay probably won't work because of the cost for shipping, and compared to other stores, what I saw at Costco is a pretty good deal.

So, the chili has been stirred ~~tasted~~ several times and is looking good, computer distractions have been ~~mostly~~ explored,and a new blog post is up. {I promise, my motivation was to write a post, get it out of my system so I can focus on the essays at hand.}

5:47 pm. I am signing off for the night, and all is right with the world.

Until the boys get home...

Of Things Blessed and Unblessed

2010-01-15T18:28:00.010-05:00

Human suffering. Tragedy. Despair. I get this same thought every time I am exposed to it. I've gotten it on every missions trip I have been on. It is the one plaguing question I can't get away from:

Why them?
And even more pointedly, why not me?

I struggle with this. A lot. I've been told by others that I have a 'bleeding heart' - and honestly, I don't think this is a bad thing. But sometimes it makes life hard (which I don't think is a bad thing either).

I said in my last post that I had a hard time even thinking wedding details in light of what has happened. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I still have had wedding details to take care of. And honestly, as far as that is concerned - it has been a great week (which is VERY hard to say in wedding-planning-world. At least for me).

In stark contrast to what is happening in Haiti, I feel like God has given me an extra dose of His blessing this week, which honestly, is really hard for me to reconcile. These two images are juxtaposed in my brain: Me with these blessings all around me and the Haitians in the overwhelming suffering. I don't need it as much as the Haitians do...so why is He coming through in all of these little ways?

Now, these 'blessings' may not seem big to someone else...but I don't want to deny them as God's little blessings to me. I was given a brand new panini press that I was hoping to get. We found home-owner's insurance for about $300 less than we thought. I won a blog giveaway for a cell-phone wallet. My friend Liz surprised me with a package of this pumpkin butter I mentioned sounded yummy (She's in Belize, by the way). I ran into one of my favorites friends from high school last night, who was just sooo good to see.

But in light of Haiti, I am tempted to say, 'Who cares?' to all of those other things. When people's lives have been literally crushed, what do these things matter???

But I am wondering if maybe occurrences like the tragedy in Haiti is precisely why these things matter. We want to help them get back on their feet. To give them love and support. But for what?

Maybe so they can one day be in a place to enjoy little blessings for themselves. True, it probably won't be a panini press for them, but shouldn't they have the chance to have quality friendships? To have a home for their families? To have a peaceful life? To get a surprise gift?

I am not equating possessions and what we call 'American prosperity' with happiness. People with far less often are much happier than we Americans. (Believe me, I've seen it firsthand).

But, I am talking about the chance for a blessed existence (which I know doesn't necessarily mean a cotton-candylife). For me, it wasn't so much those 'things' that made me feel so happy and blessed. It was the fact that God was with me and had stepped into my world in those little, personal ways. And while God is actively blessing all the time - even in 'less-blessed' times (at least from my narrow perspective), it is not every week that I experience it so tangibly.

And maybe these little blessings feel so good to me because I do know what it is like to go through dark times that have felt 'unblessed'. So in contrast to that, these little blessings feel so good. And maybe they wouldn't mean as much if I hadn't gone through those dark times.

But those times did pass, and I believe they will pass for the people of Haiti.

That is my hope for the people of Haiti: that they can be restored and know what it is like feel His blessings on them - whatever form His blessings might look like. To have hope that even when bad times come, there is a chance for Him to bring good out of it. To walk with God and know His friendship, which is actually what makes a life most blessed.

And for us who are not suffering like they are, I think it is right to ask, 'OK, God - this didn't happen to me. So what do you want me to do with all the blessings you have given me?' I don't think He wants me to just sit back and enjoy my panini press and pumpkin butter (certainly not at the same time, lol). But I think there is a certain responsibility we have, those of us who are blessed, to help and reach out to those who are feeling 'unblessed' at this time.

Then, when the people of Haiti recover and experience their time of blessing, they will be in a good place to enjoy God's blessing to them and then reach out and bless the ones who will need it at that time.

In bringing this stream-of-consciousness to a close, I don't think the point is for me (or you) to feel bad about my blessings. But I also do not think I am to stay self-absorbed in all my blessings and ignore the suffering of others. I think we should enjoy our blessings as Ecclesiastes says, but we also are to get beyond ourselves, use our blessings in a positive way, and get involved in helping the suffering of others.

I don't know the mind of God, I don't know how this all works out. I can't answer why them and why not me. But I do know that since it was not me, I have a responsibility to do what I can. Because, honestly, that is what God did. He saw us in our suffering and mess, but didn't just stay in His 'blessed' heaven; He got involved in our mess and brought salvation.

It reminds me a quote I read from John Ortberg's book some years ago, God is Closer Than You Think:

" God chooses not to stand apart from our suffering. He is not unmoved by the pain of the creatures he loves. He embraces that pain and suffers with us. Karl Barth wrote that God would rather be unblessed with his creatures than to be the blessed God of unblessed creatures."

We should be like our Father.

[P.S. - After poking around on blog-world, I have see A TON of bloggers setting up their blogs to help Haiti, give suggestions, donate money based on comments...all sorts of generous things!!! One of the best ones is here. SOOOOO encouraging to see all the blessed people out there using their blessings to help! What a boost!!!]

What is Really Important - A Prayer for Haiti

2010-01-13T16:46:00.008-05:00

Picture from Yahoo.com

I just can't think wedding today. I was going to write a post today about all the details coming together - wedding, the house, all the good things happening...but I can't get Haiti off my mind. Somehow, my small details like pretty invitations and filling up my registry just doesn't seem very significant.

My heart breaks for what is going on over there. It's strange, because on Monday night, the J-man and I were watching a documentary on Haiti. It traced the years of poverty and unrest. But now, it was reporting that Haiti was in the 'window of opportunity.' There were investors coming over to help; new industries and factories and job opportunities were being created; international workers were training their police and getting rid of the gang violence. It seemed like Haiti was finally stabilizing and maybe being given something she never had before: hope.

The commentators emphasized that Haiti has been given this window of time to take advantage of all the help being given to her to get on her feet. It almost seemed like this was the last shot for Haiti to get it right; this was the moment all the world was really helping her, and she had this last opportunity to take advantage of it.

Then, eerily, the very next day - this. A 7.0 earthquake. It is hard not to ask why. Why - in a country with so much poverty and devastation and unrest already? Why not us - a country that has the infrastructure to deal with this? You wonder just how much more can a struggling nation can take.

At this point, I'm not really seeking answers to these questions - my heart is so sad for them. Our missions team from our school is actually going there in April (I would be on that trip too, if it were not for the wedding in March). A few students in our school have parents who are there now - and have no way of knowing if they are dead or alive.

I'm just sad. That's all. It's hard to feel helpless...wanting so badly to help.

Giving - we can do that. Some ways to help:

*World Vision

*Compassion International

The American Red Cross is accepting donations as small as $10, charged directly to your phone bill by texting 'HAITI' to 90999.

Some can go. I'm jealous. I wish I could, too.

We can care - even if it is just making the choice to watch the news, follow the stories - to at least try to feel their pain and suffering and not shut it out to go quickly back into our safe, comfortable world.

We can pray - That's what we can do from here. And, thankfully, God is not limited by distance, time or resources.

So, Lord, I ask You to be with Haiti. Give them help. They are desperate and need a miracle. Only You can help them in the way they need. My heart is so heavy for them. Dear Jesus, bring good out of this tragedy. You can do that. And only You can do that. Be with the creation You love so much. Bring them to Yourself. Give them hope and peace. Give them what You know they need. Give them Yourself.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen.

Awards, Give-aways, and Other Random Blog Events!

2010-01-10T18:09:00.010-05:00

OK, lots of things going on on some of the blogs I read, so I am going to share some of them with you!

* On JDaniel4smom 's blog, she is giving away 4 free sessions with a life coach! That is pretty amazing, considering all the amazing things that might transpire in your life from that! And a little daunting - sometimes we are comfortable in our dysfunction, lol! But it is a great way to boost the new year's resolutions. Check out her blog and enter!

*For all of you coffee drinkers out there, The Coffee Shop, a blog that makes you feel like you are just sitting in with a friend having a nice latte, is giving away a $20 giftcard to Starbucks! That's pretty great! I haven't splurged on Starbucks in a while because of all of the wedding/house stuff going on, so that would be a great treat!

*Here is a shout out to my sister, The Girl Creative, [who got me blogging in the first place]. This is for all of you crafty, DIY-types...Moody Girl Projects is using my sister's blog to host a "Top 10" Party launching January 15th. You post your top 10 crafty projects, then link up at The Girl Creative! Check it out if you'd like to attend!

* I mentioned this before, but Daisy Kisses is hosting Project 365 - a picture for every day of the year. Even if you can't jump in (Why not? Start now! Better late than never!), by following some of the links, you will see some great photography. I feel like an amateur next to some of them, but I am hopefully going to get better as the year goes on. Feel free to visit This Beautiful Mess to see some snapshots of my attempts to see something extraordinary in my ordinary life. Which leads me to my next
item...

*Out of the Extraordinary and A Chocolate Lover's Confession have both given me my first blog awards! I didn't even know awards existed until last week, but I feel very honored to get them! Out of the Extraordinary is just like it says...finding the extraordinary in every day things. Chocolate Lover's Confessions is a wedding planning blog. Both are great! Take a visit!

THE LANGUAGES OF LOVE

2010-01-09T09:45:00.004-05:00

First, a big THANK YOU for all who commented on my last post with their wisdom for resolving conflict! I am so appreciative of that!

What is on my mind today is love languages. Some of you might be familiar with this, based on the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (If you visit his site, you can take a quiz to see what your languages are!).

The basic concept is that there are certain ways we as individuals like to give and receive love. If someone is showing us love in our 'language,' then we get a sense of feeling loved by that person. A person may still love us, but if he is showing love in his language and not our language, we might feel unloved by that person, when in fact, he does love us.

So, the point is to find out which way you and your partner give and receive love, and try to show him love in the way he receives it, not in the way I like to give it. And vice versa - your partner should try to show you love in the way you receive it, not in the way he likes to give it.

Well, the J-man and I had another pre-marital counseling session, and the focus was on love languages. We had taken a love languages test months ago, when we were in our pre-covenant classes (a great 8 week course required for anyone getting married by one of our pastors). We both scored high on 'physical touch' and 'words of affirmation' - so that was good.

But the one difference we had was in 'quality time.' I scored very high on my need for quality time, and he scored much lower. And this makes sense. The J-man values his alone time and often is OK spending time with himself. I, on the other hand, while I need time by myself to regroup, I generally like to be around people and find it stimulating (most of the time!).

Now obviously, the point of a relationship is to relate to another person which can only be done by being with him/her. But I think this was enlightening for both of us. For me, it showed me to not take it personally if the J-man needs to be alone at times. It is just who he is.

On the other hand, the J-man was encouraged to be aware and sensitive to the fact that my needs are different, and that if I am feeling disconnected, then quality time is needed on the double.

And over time, the hope is that it will balance out - he will get used to spending more time together, and I will grow to be more comfortable with time he needs alone.

The give and take of a relationship. The dying to self - that was a point our pastor made. Sometimes, to love someone else, in his or her language, it's not always what is comfortable for us or what we would prefer. But if we love that person, we will get beyond ourselves. And, by doing that, we learn to grow as people. Which, really, is one of the points of marriage.

[p.s. - I just added Gary Chapman's blog to my blog list. They have some great relationship resources and articles! A great find! It's definitely worth a visit!]

Love... and War

2010-01-04T21:18:00.017-05:00

Yeah, the other side of relationships. The Battlefield.

I float around on a lot of these blogs, and sometimes I think, 'Everybody's life just seems so happy. So perfect.'

Can anyone else out there relate to me??? Am I the only one who feels like sometimes love and relationships are (cough, cough) less than perfect??? That they can be hard sometimes?

I'm sure nobody wants to hang their dirty laundry out there for all of cyber-world to see - I am not saying they even should. Some things are private and should be kept between you and your man. Absolutely true.

Maybe we women are trying to respect our men and paint them in a positive light - and that is great. I am all for showing our men respect and think that is totally appropriate.

But being newly-engaged and soon-to-be-married, I guess I am curious to hear how other couples deal with conflicts in their relationships - I can use all the insight I can get! And I haven't really seen a lot written about that.

I don't know if there is a 'right' way - each couple is so individual. And we are all works in progress. But I guess sometimes I want re-assurance that we are "OK." "Normal." Not that we are being graded, but I guess sometimes I want to know where we fall on the Bell Curve. But that's just me...the recovering perfectionist.

[I have to add this disclaimer - of course - you knew that was coming: things are actually very good with the J-man and myself. For real! They are!]

But I admit that it takes a lot of mental energy always trying to decipher the best way to deal with conflict.

To not react emotionally.
To seek to understand before being understood.
To think logically about what way of communicating is effective and what is just a waste of time.
To know which battles are worth fighting and which ones will only put us on separate sides instead of on the same team.

They told us in our pre-covenant classes that women see the world through pink glasses, hear with pink hearing aids and speak through a pink megaphone.

Men, on the other hand - yep, you guessed it: blue glasses, blue hearing aid and blue megaphones (That came from Love and Respect by the Eggerichs). And I am sure that those differences alone cause most of the skirmishes.

It's a lot of energy to just try and understand them as men.

So I guess I am curious to hear from you ladies - married, engaged, dating, newly-wed and even singles... Can you relate to this??? What kinds of things have come in between you and your man? How do you resolve it? What have been your experiences with this? (It's OK to be honest but no male bashing here! I hope we all love our men and want to respect them!)

Relationships. It's all about love - but it can feel like war sometimes...
It's a lot of energy.
But to have a relationship with a good man, to love him and experience his love in return, I've found, that is worth fighting for.

(PS...God is teaching me a few lessons about this, too. I'll share some in future blogs.)

Oh No You Didn't!

2010-01-02T21:44:00.005-05:00

Yes, I did.

As if I didn't need another excuse to procrastinate and be distracted, I have started another blog.

I got the idea from Nicolasa who is hosting Project 365 on her blog - a picture for every day of the year. I had to join. I had to! So, I started another one. Feel free to visit, if you would like, at This Beautiful Mess - or maybe even start your own! You can link up at Nicolasa's blog!

Fear - Be Gone!

2010-01-02T10:48:00.011-05:00

OK - New Year's Resolutions. To make them or not to make them?

Some people don't like them, but I do. I don't know why...just maybe the chance to start over and get second shot at what I didn't get right last year.

I can't say I have had a lot of time to give this much thought...but I would like to start this new decade with some kind of goal in mind. So, in giving it just a little thought, one goal I think I do want to consciously work on is my negative thinking.

I tend to be a worrier, and I am really starting to feel the effects of these worries (or if I am honest - these fears) in my life. I've kind of struggled with "stinkin' thinkin'" over the years. Not that you would think I am a pessimist if you met me; I am typically an upbeat person. But inside, I feel like there is this vat of negative thoughts and expectations that just swirl around in there. Sometimes I am aware of it and can get it under control - and sometimes....not.

Maybe because I am such a do-er ~~perfectionist~~, I feel a bit out of control when I make a situation better ~~force things to turn out how I want~~. And the results of what I can't control scare me. And it just leads to a messy thought life...which leads to negative emotions...which takes its toll in my physical body. Who wants to live like that?

Take a look at the picture above. I debated using it in my blog because it is so ugly and disturbing. But then I thought...No, that is a great visual for fear. Fear is ugly and disturbing, and that is what it looks like inside of me. And I refuse to have that controlling me. Honestly, I feel tired of being afraid.

I tend to live in the world of 'what if' - which is a scary, dark world. And I need to know, down in my gut, it should be 'so what, if?'

I have God. I will be OK. Everything will be fine.

So, as far as resolutions go, I think this is the one that will effect every other area of my life.

Of course, there are the others...drop a few pounds, be less selfish. I want to grow closer to Jesus and be more faithful to Him. I want to be a good wife to J. I want to be a better teacher, and I want to stop procrastinating and waste less time. I would like to be a better writer and blogger.

But this sums up my goal for this year:

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.

(The Message - Phil. 4:6-8)

What about you? Do you make resolutions? Keep them? Have any for 2010?

End of an Era and My Quarter-Life-Crisis: Reflections on the Past Decade

2009-12-31T10:47:00.008-05:00

I can remember the New Year's Eve of the over-exaggerated 'Y2K.' Actually, that was one of my most favorite New Year's Eves. December 31st also happens to be my birthday, so if it is a great night, all the better. If NYE is a flop, when then, I lose two major events in one night. (Personally, I tend to think NYE is a bit over-rated).

Anyway, on the last day of 1999, I was house-sitting for my sister and we had this big bash at her house. We cleared out some of the rooms so we could dance on her hard-wood floors, friends just kept showing up - with friends of friends and food. By the last few moments of 1999, there were probably about 60 of us gathered around her big screen TV, watching Y2K around the world, waiting for the NYC ball to drop.

I just remember it was such an exciting moment...with so many friends and people around. Then, when the ball dropped, it was just hugging and kissing and toasting and celebrating. After, a bunch of us then decided to drive to Montauk Point (the eastern-most tip of Long Island) to catch the first sunrise of the new millennium.

We got our coffee and blankets and headed out...and to our surprise, hundreds of other people had the same idea! What a great morning. A friend of mine even got quoted in the Newsday article that came out the next day.

So, the new millennium was off to a great start. But not long after that, I hit my 'quarter-life' crisis. And this is how it happened:

When I was starting my senior year of college in 1995, my roommates and I decided to write a time-capsule of where we thought we would be in the year 2000. True to our promise, we met at the Jersey Shore in the summer of 2000 to read them.

It was fun and sentimental...some of the girls were right for a few of their predictions. One of my friends was like 10 for 10, lol.

Me? Way off. I mean, waaaaayyyyyy off. Not that my life was terrible - actually, at 26, it was a lot of fun. But, I suddenly realized that nothing, I mean nothing, had gone like I had thought. And that scared me. It hit me all at once how little control I really had in my own life.

And that sort of set me on this fearful, internal journey of the quarter-life crisis (which is actually a real term). I guess you graduate college with all of these hopes and dreams of how your life will turn out. Anything is possible.

And then, year after year, reality sets in more and the hopes of your dreams becomes just slightly less. Again, not that my life was bad. It was just different. And that was a little hard to deal with.

So, I guess the next decade was dealing with all of that. I mean, there were some wonderful moments along that next ten-year period:

I became a teacher at S. Christian School.
I have had some wonderful relationships with my students and co-workers.
My baby sister got married.
I saw the birth of three new nieces.
I had guardianship of my nephew (who was 15 at the time) for 2 and half years. Some of the best times of my life. Don't know how to express how much I love that kid.
I traveled to some amazing places on missions trips - Belize, Ukraine, Nigeria, Brazil, Morocco, Nicaragua, Trinidad.
I got my Master's Degree in Liberal Studies/English/Adolescent Education
I saw God heal a special friend from cancer.
I have been blessed with some of the greatest friendships in the world and had some great times with Becky, Jen, Ryan, Liz, Kelly, Laura, Liz, Jodi, Rhonda, Steph and many more.
I met J. and got engaged :)
I am planning a wedding and getting ready to buy a house.
I discovered Jesus in a way I never had before in my life and experienced true joy and healing.

But, there were some hard moments, too:

I had my first serious break-up that messed me up for a bit of time.
I struggled with being single into my thirties and all the sadness and hard stuff that comes with it.
I suffered from more than a few crushed dreams and disappointments in relationships.
I lost my grandma.

But you know, as I think about it, those probably were the worst times. And over the course of a decade, that is not half bad. Actually, it is pretty amazing. When I look at the weight of all the ways I have been blessed, compared to some of the hard things I've gone through, I had definitely made out well and have come out ahead.

My family is alive and well. And so am I. I live in America. I have a job - two, actually. I have an apartment I love and a house that I will be moving into. I found a godly man to marry.

And even though my life isn't what I thought it would be, I guess little by little I am learning to let go and be OK with so. So far, so good.

My devotional verse today was: 'Thus far has the Lord helped us.' (1 Samuel 7:12). And if His past track record is any indication of His future track record, I think I will be just fine.

Happy New Year and here is to all the best in the decade to come!

2009 in Review

2009-12-30T09:14:00.003-05:00

Looking back, looking ahead. This actually is a yearly tradition of mine.

In my 'blog-stalking,' I've come across a kindred spirit in Jen from "After the Altar" - fellow Long-Islander and newly-wed (which I will shortly be joining the ranks of).

Anyway, she got the idea from another blogger, Scary Mommy (not quite there yet) of doing the year in review in a blog. I only started this blog in July or August, because that is when I got engaged. However, I started my other blog - the mother blog to this one, One Girl's Journey - October 2008 and posted sporadically; my year-in-review will pull from both.

So let's have at it:

Jan-March: Well, I started blogging in October 2008, was pretty good for the month, but didn't blog again til April 2009. Oops. At that point, James and I went to Fla to visit my grandparents, took the pre-covenant classes at church (before we were engaged), and then my blogging (therapy) began.

April: I guess being in the pre-covenant classes surfaced some 'inner issues', so I sort of began a personal recovery. "Detour on the Journey" sort of explains in a transparent way some of what was going on on the inside (it's a little messy), and "Relationships are Not Linear" was one of my epiphanies along the way.

May-June: -Ummm, took another break from blogging. Guess the therapy was getting too deep, lol. I did go to Morocco on a missions trip and I wish I had blogged about that. Maybe I'll reflect on that in a future date. Se la vie.

July: OK, engagement! And that was when the blog really came to life! Technically, I wrote this blog of our engagement story, in September, complete with pictures, but it tells of when we got engaged in July.

August: One Girl's Journey to the Altar is born! This post "How I Came to Meet the Border's Guy" tells the story of how we met at Border's (honestly, this is like a story from the movies!) and this post tells how God amazingly, Providentially, supernaturally brought us together.

September: I am a teacher, so this post contains some thoughts about getting back to school, "Back in the Saddle." I also had some lessons I was learning about relationships and marriage along the way: "We Marry Because...??" and "Eve's Curse".

October: A month of simple truths. It was great...got me out of psycho-wedding-planning-world and back to some bottom lines, and oh, how I love a bottom line: "Words from a Recovering Perfectionist" and "God is My Treasure."

November: Can't say it is the most interesting post ever, but just some updates on the wedding planning: "Full Steam Ahead".

December: This was probably my most reflective month. The holidays do that to me. I love going over the year (it was a tradition I did for years in my journal), looking back and looking ahead. My birthday is December 31st, also, so I like it that when the calendar flips to a new year, it is also a new birth year for me, too. Keeps things nice and clean. So, before I look ahead, one more stop in December: "Taking A Breather" has helped me recenter myself again and "I Almost Missed It" again reminds me of what is the single most important thing in my life. And oh, how I need to be reminded again.

Happy New Year!

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em: How I Became a Jets Fan

2009-12-27T23:31:00.012-05:00

The long and short of it is this: James tricked me.

When we first met, he played it all suave and smooth - like he had all of these diverse interests (which happened to be what I was interested in), loved socializing, didn't mind going here and there - to festivals and plays and bookstores - but all along, he had this secret side he did not let me in on:

James is a sports addict. Oh, and he was good at hiding it. For months, he never let on.

We met in September, and I began to see a little of it in the spring, when Mets season started. [Now, I really like baseball and once upon a time (junior high, that is), I was a die-hard Mets fan, too. I sort of grew out of it a little, but I still really enjoy a good baseball game.] Our lives didn't completely revolve around the Mets schedule, but I began seeing that it was important to him - so, no problem. I could be the Mets-fan-girlfriend.

That was all well and good, but I admit, I was sort of looking forward to the end of baseball season - to when we could get on with our life.

Well, that was, until I realized that football season started in the fall.

You see, when we met in the previous fall, there was NO INDICATION WHATSOEVER that he liked football. So, OK, not too bad- I could deal. Football was only on Sundays and Mondays. I could handle the Jets 1 day of the week.

Well, NFL is only on Sundays and Mondays. College football is another story - Thursday, Friday and ALL DAY Saturday.

So, I found myself patiently waiting until the end of football season...until I realized... hockey season began somewhere in the middle of football season. You guessed it - James loves the NY Islanders. And ice hockey - go figure - doesn't end until JUNE! What the heck?!?!?

Oh, dear...I began to see where this was going. Basketball season starts - I don't know when - late fall, I think? - but then there is NBA, college basketball, March Madness - and that ends just in time for -right again - baseball season.

And, it's not just the Mets. James will watch ANY baseball game. And any football game. And any hockey game...yeah, you get the point.

So, yeah, he tricked me. Never let on that he was obsessed with sports. Until it was too late - I was already in love with him.

Needless to say, this has caused some minor rifts between us at moments. And in his defense, James does not (necessarily) arrange our life around all of these games (Not to say that he wouldn't if he had his way. But still, he gets it. And in fairness, he does have other interests, too).

And at times, I have gotten frustrated because - call me crazy - sometimes I would like to diversify our time together and - leave the house maybe???

But I realized that me resenting sports would not make him like them any less (actually, that reaction typically has the opposite effect). So I decided that my only sanity if I was going to be in a relationship with a guy who loved sports was to learn to love them too.

Thankfully, I do like them, for the most part. I really do enjoy a good game (just not games on end). I could manage most sports (I was even a 3-sport athlete in high school), but my issue was football. I just could never get into it. For whatever reason, it just did not make sense to me...it looked messy, unorganized and just an excuse for guys to smash each other.
Football was only useful to me as an excuse to have a fun Super Bowl party (been to several and have never watched an actual game. Ever.)

But I started asking questions (note to self - don't ask too many questions while he is actually watching the game), and I am starting to get it.

And actually, I am starting to like it. Today, I made a concentrated effort to really try to pay attention and appreciate it...and I enjoyed it. For a while, I even forgot why I was trying to learn the game and actually asked him to please move a little to the left because he was blocking my view of the game.

This has been a good lesson for me. I got convicted a few months ago when I heard Andy Stanley do a teaching on marriage, and he used the verse in Philippians 2 that says something like, 'Each of you should not only look to your own interests, but also the interests of others.' And it hit me that I would never get James to stop watching sports or stop liking sports. That is just who he is. I could either let this make a wedge between us, or, if I were smart, I could get over myself, take an interest in what he is interested in, and let it be a bridge. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

And that is how I became a Jets fan. :)

Where We Come From and Who We Are

2009-12-26T00:05:00.000-05:00

Yes, I mean families.

I've always heard, 'What you grow up with feels normal to you, but it doesn't mean that everyone else's family is like that.' Not wrong, just different.

I knew that but I don't think I really knew that. I think, deep down, I really believed that every family was like mine (or that every family should be like mine - or at least wanted to be like mine).

I come from a good size Italian family. It's not huge, but I have 3 sisters with their families, plus a host of aunts and uncles and cousins (not that we see them so much anymore, but in the past, especially when my grandmother was still alive, our holidays involved them much more).

Our holidays were never the serene moments around the dinner...eating on fine china, drinking from crystal glass, with a warm glow of candlelight. No, not our house.

When my family celebrates the holidays, it is typically chaotic. Not in a bad way, just in a ...well...loud way.

Our holidays usually involved a lot of busyness - visiting different aunts and uncles, people popping over unexpectedly, a lot of noise and energy, a lot of food ...sort of a open-house-free-for-all. The more, the merrier. Most years, my parents invited people they knew had no where else to go, so we always had this random assortment of company.

There were usually kids running around, dogs barking, loud talking to compete with the volume of the TV and other conversations, people coming and going. The table wasn't big enough for all of us, so it was usually pushed to one side and we ate buffet style, in different parts of the house. Usually just an informal celebration of sorts. The most formal thing we do is probably just say grace before the meal.

And I thought that was great - and that everyone wanted their holidays to be like that.

This year, I spent Christmas Day (and Thanksgiving as well) with James' family. It was different in a few ways:

First, it was smaller - just us, his parents, his sister, niece, and nephew (and one close family friend for Christmas).

It was quieter...the TV was on, but it was sort of just background. And for a while, it was just on the station that played Christmas music. A very serene atmosphere.

There was more ceremony and formality - First, for both holidays, we all sat around the table together. I can only remember a few holidays that we have done that at my house.

For Thanksgiving, we all shared something that we were thankful for. Then, his mom (which I couldn't help thinking of her as this wise matriarch of the family) went around to each family member (me included) and expressed why she was thankful for that person and just spoke these amazing words of life and encouragement (almost prophetically, it felt like). There were some tears shed, and it was definitely very moving.

For Christmas, instead of gifts, she and Tony (James' stepdad) wrote out these personalized prayers based on Scripture for each one of us, putting our names in the verse, and read them to us. It felt like she was passing on this spiritual legacy to us. (For James, it was Philippians 3:12-16; For me, it was Proverbs 31:10, 29-31). She included a picture of each of us and a Christmas card that she felt portrayed the verse. It was so special.
On the way home, James and I took the scenic route and just listened to Christmas music and took in all the Christmas lights. Then we just sat in his driveway quietly for a moment...sort of soaking in all the changes that will be taking place in the next few months.

It was fun to think about what the holidays will be for us next year. Being married. In our own home. The traditions we will start. Beginning a new branch of each of our family trees.

But it was bittersweet, too. I realized that this Christmas morning was the last time I would wake up in my parents' house and go upstairs and have breakfast with my sister and nephews. The realization hit me that next year, the holidays will be something different than what they have always been in the past. Not just how his family does it, not just how my family does it, but how WE will do it.

I'm sure it will include pieces of both...where we have come from has made us who we are. We bring that with us.

But as we two become one, something brand new will start as well. And we are both very aware of the magnitude of this new chapter we are beginning, the legacy we are creating - that is now in the making - the one we will pass on someday to our families.

I Almost Missed It...

2009-12-24T08:52:00.002-05:00

Christmas, that is. Because of all the wedding planning and the impending move, I didn't even bother to put up Christmas decorations. My classroom? It would have remained undecorated if some of the seniors on the "CCC" (Christmas Cheer Committee) hadn't volunteered to do it. I think I went Christmas shopping for the first time on Saturday. December 19th, that is.

But that isn't what I mean. I almost missed Christmas. What it really means.

My students have heard me often enough get on my soapbox about the commercialism of Christmas and the disgust over what our society has made it. It's like we have this month-long extravaganza celebration, with all the decorating, songs, shopping, parties, cantatas - all for what was supposed to be a commemoration of Jesus' birthday - and it is like we have forgotten to invite Him to all the festivities! And in some cases, not even forgotten, but He is not even allowed to come!

Did we forget it is called CHRISTmas for a reason???

But I digress (the soapbox again). I almost missed it. I think this morning is maybe the first time I had a chance to really reflect on why we are celebrating. I got up to do my quiet time and was ready to rush through it because I had to get to Stop N Shop, Costco, Ulta, Dollar Tree, Gap Outlet...

Then I felt this gentle nudge in my soul to just slow down. Stop. Reflect. I was becoming all of the people I get so angry with - the ones who are doing all the celebrating and not keeping the focus on why. Or I should say Who, really.

Jesus.

God's perfect gift to a humanity doomed to bondage. Sin. Evil. Themselves. He came...not just to stay a baby. That was only the start. He came to be a Savior. For a creation He loved dearly and who desperately needed saving. Not just for 'a creation' but for me. I was doomed to bondage. Sin. Evil. Myself. I desperately needed saving.

And He did it. He came. Gave up heaven and shrunk Himself to fit inside human skin. To die a horrific death so I could be free from bondage. Sin. Evil. Myself. To have friendship with God. So I could be a clean, pure daughter in right-standing before her Daddy. Forever.

That is the miracle we should be celebrating. What kind of God does this??? Not on a whim but as a result of an intricately, meticulously designed plan, one invented even before light appeared on the horizon of the universe and the first bite of the apple was taken.

Because He saw me. He saw you. And to Him, we were worth it.

"Long lay the world, in sin and error pining
Til He appeared, and the soul felt its worth..."

"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn..."

Oh, what an amazing day we are celebrating. What an amazing God. He came. "Immanuel." God with us. God with us still.

(Picture and lyric inspiration borrowed from Or So She Says)

Of Expectations...The Dream vs. Reality

2009-12-23T08:34:00.001-05:00

The idea of dreams and expectations has come up a few times in the past day or two in some blogs/articles I've come across, and of course, it has gotten me thinking.

I think every girls grows up with some dreams about what her marriage will be like.

For me, getting married was always this elusive, 'out-there' experience that, in the back of my mind, I daydreamed what I thought it would be like. Or, maybe just what I wanted and hoped it would be like. Possibly the product of an overactive imagination or a glutton's diet of romance books and movies as a teen, I think I scripted line by line what I imagined it would be like and just sort of filled in the blanks myself.

How much that was in line with reality, I'm not sure. Actually- I'm pretty sure - not much at all.

I've read a few thoughts on this that have just brought me back down to earth, and honestly, has given me a more realistic look at married life and helped me appreciate what I have - which is a good, honest, loving, honorable man.

Boundless.org has an 'engaged' page with some good articles. There was one entitled 'Managing Expectations' that had some good things to say:

"My dad once told me that learning to manage your expectations of others (and others' expectations of you) is what makes life, well, manageable. I've found, however, that I have expectations about life that don't seem unreasonable; they're just not God's plans....

"None of these expectations were particularly wrong, but they haven't been what God has had in store for me. And, honestly, that's been disappointing for me. I've learned to throw out certain expectations and go with whatever God has in store for me, but I find I still carry certain expectations about life around...

"Managing expectations and dealing with the disappointment of unmet expectations is something I'll spend my whole life doing — in my marriage, with extended family relationships, at work, in church. I pray that I have the courage and faith to follow God's path wherever it leads, especially when things don't work out the way I plan."

Those thoughts helped me. We all have expectations and dreams for our lives. And I don't think they are always wrong - just not necessarily accurate. It comes down to trusting God when those expectations aren't met the way we think they should be. And it has helped me to know that those expectations just may not be part of God's plan for me - nothing more, nothing less. At least for the moment. Letting go of control once again.

I also came across this article at crosswalk.com. This guy (Hudson Russell Davis) wrote about his experience being single and then waiting for God to bring his wife. He finally got married and he had this to say in his article:

"There is a danger in wanting something very badly; it can become, in our minds, more than reality could ever provide. What we want can become pure fantasy in which real people have no place. Our own fantasies and dreams can conjure for us what is impossible to hold in flesh and blood—what is impossible to find in a person. Life punishes such frivolity through disappointment...

"...I am glad that I did not have a list of "expectations" for marriage as it has allowed me to be surprised, pleasantly surprised and excited by "discoveries." I had not scripted for myself the details. I had not visualized how all things would be and so I was not disappointed...

"It is not that we cannot expect certain things but that our list or "expectations" should be short indeed, lest it become a script for failure."

I think there is a lot of wisdom in that. Not just as a girl, but even well into my single adult years, I had visualized relationships and marriage down to such great detail, that in some ways, it was inevitable that I was setting myself up for disappointment. Not to say that James is disappointing, but who can measure up to a fantasy?

This article has helped me renegotiate my expectations. Like Davis says, not that we cannot expect certain things but to keep the list short. In that way, you leave room for surprises. And, I also think, it makes you a lot more appreciative of all the things your partner does and is. Because it is just who he is - not a report-card pronouncing 'pass or fail' of an unrealistic ideal.

The dreams of a little girl transformed into the reality of an adult. I think there is still room for wonder and surprises and dreams becoming reality. We just do not get the luxury of scripting it ourselves. The pen still remains, sometimes much to my frustration, in the hands of a very brilliant Author.

Such is the journey on planet earth...

Taking a Breather

2009-12-18T21:20:00.002-05:00

Stop the insanity!!! I have gotten into the nightly happen of checking on all the blogs I follow - which is a good thing and a bad thing. On the one hand, it helps me decompress a little. On the other hand, it sometimes adds to my stress by seeing all the things I 'should' be doing and 'should' have as a part of my wedding.

Ironically, I came across a post from one of the said blogs - weddingbee - this blog in particular. She discussed how easy it is to get sucked into all the expectations of a perfect day, which can completely suck the joy out of this amazing event. It was interesting - and refreshing to read this on a blog that sometimes contributes to the problem (inadvertently, of course!).

For the moment, I have taken a breather from all the plans - to just touch down to earth again and get out of the parallel universe of wedding planning. It's nice to just think about family and Christmas without worrying about what I should or shouldn't be having, planning, doing, etc.

That is one lesson I learned ( - well, am learning) through this process - and it is really applicable to anything: Stop trying for perfection. It will be good enough. I don't need the perfect dress, the perfect favors, the perfect invites, the perfect hair and make-up (well....if I could have the perfect something, I might put my energy here! Vanity! lol)...it is going to beautiful and beautiful is good enough. It does not have to be 'the best.' It does not have to be 'perfect.' It will be beautiful. Good enough is good enough.

Nothing is perfect and I think God is teaching me this lesson. That being said, I am taking a hiatus from all the planning, and it feels great. Instead of being ultra- stressed, I am choosing to take the chill approach, realizing that it will all come together in the end. Which, actually, is what James said in the beginning. {Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!!}

A Day All Our Own

2009-12-12T10:31:00.001-05:00

So now that most of the major vendor shopping is done, I have been able to just let my mind wander to think about what kind of day I want this to be. I feel pressured in a lot of ways from all these blogs and wedding websites. They sort of spell out for you what this day should look like. I guess I was just going with the flow for a while, but I've started to pull back a little bit. This day should be about US - me and James - and what we are all about as a couple.

That being said, I have been putting some thoughts into how we can make our wedding reflect us, not just a standard, plug-in-the-generic-wedding-items kind of wedding. Here are a few thoughts I came up with:

The invitation wording: This was one area I wanted James' input because he is so articulate and good with words. I went back and forth, but here is the text we may use because I feel like it expresses what our day is about:

Together with the Lord

Katherine M.

and

James David L.

have reached a decision

to unite their lives as one with Him.

They, joined with their parents,

invite you to worship with them and

celebrate their marriage covenant

I like it because it mentions:

'Together with the Lord' - we didn't get to this point apart from Him
'reached a decision' - it wasn't just a romantic, emotional decision (although that has been involved), but it is a prayer, rational, conscious choice we are making
'unite our lives as one with Him' - we are not only uniting with each other, but uniting ourselves and uniting with Him in the center of it
'joined with our parents' - we have their blessing and they are an important part of our lives
'worship with us' - because it is about worshiping God for us; He is the center and for His glory is why we want our marriage to exist - as a demonstration of worship; and finally
'celebrate our marriage covenant' - it is a celebration - we are grateful for God's hand in our lives and it is not just a wedding but a solemn, sacred, unbreakable covenant we are making before God Almighty. That is serious and deep and heavy - and wonderful.

The Reception: James and I aren't big dancers or party-people, for various reasons. We are just sort of low-key and don't really like to be the center of attention. I have been thinking of something to sort of 'fill the time' when, at most weddings, people are dancing. [People are welcome to dance if they want - it is going to be more of a 'cocktail party' type of atmosphere, though, so we aren't really pushing it]. I didn't want to do something just to 'do something.' But I was thinking about what might represent US as a couple. And I think I would like to have someone lead us in worship for a while. We want Jesus to be the center of attention that day, not us. It won't be a big stand-up worship service, but maybe someone just to lead us in a few of our favorite songs. I was worried it might be a little cheesy, but I don't care. It is our day and I think it would be a very sweet Presence of the Holy Spirit incorporated into atmosphere.

The Favors: I am not sure about this one yet. I had thought of making a donation in leiu of favors, since we are both mission-oriented. But I have to admit, I still like the aesthetics of having pretty favors on the table. So, instead of just doing candles or coasters or keychains -which are fine but maybe a little generic - I think I am going to do custom-made bookmarks. James and I met at Border's Bookstore, both of us looking at CS Lewis books. So literature and our love of the Lord was a big factor in bringing us together. I think that would sort of personalize it, but also giving them something useful. I don't want our face plastered on it, but maybe just a quote about love from CS Lewis on the front, in our wedding colors, and a small thank you on the back.

So, that is as far as I have gotten. I have a few thoughts for the ceremony and programs, but there will be time for that as we go on. But, I am seeing more and more that I want our day to reflect US, not the expectations society puts on us for this day. We have to feel good about this; it should reflect what is important to us, not the opinions of others.

Great Give-Away Week at "Bride on a Budget"

2009-12-09T22:19:00.001-05:00

I am becoming addicted to these give-aways! I've won only one, but I am persevering! You never know! I entered to win an e-gift certificate from Bride on a Budget blog! She is sponsoring this give-away from myweddingfavors.com. Very cute, original items! I really like the sea glass luminaries...they come in light blue and light green...2 of my 3 colors! I think they would be really nice on the tables!

Feel free to enter...This one is open til Dec. 16...

Another give-away she is sponsoring is from Design Alley, where you can win a free monogram. I was just talking with Diana (my sister and MOH) about that, telling her I would like to somehow incorporate a monogram into our wedding. So, that would be cool to win! This contest is open until December 19. The ones I liked (with a few slight modifications) are below. Wish me luck!

The next contest I entered this week is from Garter Lady - to win a free garter! How fun is that! You never know! My favorite one is shown below:

Inspiration Board

2009-12-05T12:15:00.000-05:00

I entered a contest on Style Me Pretty (didn't win) but you can make fun inspiration boards! Had a good time doing it, may try it again....Here's what I came up with - it captures the essence of it my colors and themes (I think!)!

By the way, I have come across some really good wedding blogs. Check them out under 'Blogs I'm Following.'

Good Friends...

2009-12-05T12:04:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to give some credit to some dear friends who are willing to help me out!

Eileen Kogut - she is a banquet manager at the Hamlet Wind Watch in Hauppauge and has been giving me ideas and the scoop on what brides are doing these days. She tipped me off to Dermablend, a great foundation that hides everything! And for centerpieces, she also has a ton of candles she said I can use and put together for my centerpieces. Much cheaper than flowers! She gave me a few phone numbers of vendors and possible 'wedding night' hotel packages for us. She even offered to go to Miller Place Inn with me to check out what might be the best way to decorate. She's awesome! Thank you!

Kari Haegeland - old high school friend who has amazing style and is also an events coordinator (I think that is her title?! Sorry, Kari, if I got it mixed up!). But she has a bunch of candelabras and centerpieces and candles that she has offered me as well - and her personal help if I need it. That is huge. I'm so grateful for people like this! Thank you!

Even two of my students - Sharon Clause and Ashley Steffens - have volunteered to help with whatever I need. They have been cutting clippings for weddings for a while now, lol, and they said they would be happy to help. How sweet! Actually, a few of my former students have volunteered that too - Shae Kogut, Lynea Jacobsen - very sweet of them!

Thanks to all who are helping! It's huge!

Flowers!

2009-12-05T11:32:00.001-05:00

I forgot to say that I am going with a different vendor for flowers - Michelle from Hidden Essence. I liked her right away. She is my age, a cool, middle-class mom of two little kids working out of her home. She can give me the package for $100 less, including tax and delivery. So, for my bouquet, 3 bridesmaids bouquets, 6 bouts, and 3 corsages - a total of $350. And although I really liked Liz, I have to go with the cheaper package and I felt really good about giving someone like Michelle my business.

So, my bouquet will be sage green and white, something like these:

The bridemaids' bouquets will be sage green, white and periwinkle, something like this:

or like the one at the top (I couldn't get the picture to move down! lol) - maybe a combo of the one above right here and the one at the top. More hydrangeas, a little puffier, I think. I had some better pictures, but I can't get them to copy in here. Grrrr. I'll work on it.

She will send me a sample picture before the wedding, so I am excited for that. So, here are some ideas of what my flowers will look like - at least the general color families. I feel good about my choices...finally, lol.

The Hair Snafu

2009-12-05T00:06:00.000-05:00

I went for a hair trial with someone that was recommended on liweddings.com. In Nassau county. First of all, I was late leaving school because I had a guest speaker in my missions class (but it was totally worth it to have Stephen Zarlengo speak!). Then, killer traffic on the Southern State. Grrrr! Heading west. At 3:30! Tell me again why I am still on Long Island? Then, I get lost. I didn't have her phone number, and it took me about 3 stops until someone finally pointed me in the right direction. And I was just about out of gas to boot.

I finally get there, all flustered from being late, and then come to realize after my trial, that I had locked my keys in the ignition. And not to mention, I had to be back in Smithtown at 7:30 for our school's Christmas Concert.

All in all, it was a stressful, awkward experience. I didn't really sense a warm vibe from the lady. She said the right things, but I didn't feel any sincerity - 'Don't worry, it happens to everyone. It's OK.' But while saying it, she just stood and stared out the window her husband who was trying to get my keys out. For about 15 minutes. Without saying anything. Do you know how long 15 minutes is when you are standing in silence with a stranger staring out a window??? And you can't escape - because that is why she is staring out the window?!? I felt so uncomfortable. Finally, the neighbor 'knew a guy' and he came over, and this twenty-something year old kid opened it in about 30 seconds (wonder where he learned that). I wanted to tip him and only had a $20, so yup, there went my gas money.

It might have been OK if I loved my hair...but I didn't. I mean, it was pretty, but I just don't know if I want to look like that on my wedding day. So, I decided to eat my frustration with a Whopper Jr and French Fries in the BK parking lot.

The moral to this story? I dont know, but I do know I am getting frustrated paying for trials with people that I won't end up using. So, it looks like I might attempt doing my own hair. I have three and a half months to practice....so, we'll see how it goes.

Contest on I DO!

2009-11-24T23:26:00.001-05:00

I have found some great blog sites for weddings! There are TONS! Planning a wedding and reading all the fun stuff could be a full time job! Anyway, there is a contest on I DO Originals for $100. Click on this link to enter!!!

Full Steam Ahead

2009-11-22T07:48:00.000-05:00

Well, the plans are coming along. Oh, gosh...I feel like I am in overdrive and am just being pulled along! It might be better that way, lol.

I still have a few more major things to do, but overall, it is coming together. I cannot believe the way God is helping us to save money. And I think it will still be a beautiful day!

DJ/Music - A wonderful person from our church (who I've never met) has DJ equipment and is willing to let us rent it. He will come set it up and break it down - for only $250. My nephew Mike is going to be the MC and we are just going to hook up his Ipod (oh, excuse me - his Zune) with our own playlist. He is a great personality, so I think that will be great.

Invites - OK, one of my sweetest deals. I have been stressing over DIY and getting them done. They would end up either expensive, not that nice, or very time consuming - quite possibility a combination of any of the three. Someone mentioned etsy.com on liweddings.com and I checked out the site for homemade items. Well, a woman was discontinuing one of her styles and had 100 left. She was selling the invite/envelope/response card/envelope for $.80. Unheard of! And she does all the printing and assembling. The color is sage green, which I was thinking about. That made my decision fast! Sold!

Flowers - I am in the process of negotiating that one. I don't need a lot. I got a great quote from Liz, a great woman in Sayville. I am still shopping around to compare, but I think it is a sweet deal.

Make-up/hair - I went to one trial with Jacqueline Nicole. She is a sweetheart and we had such a good time talking. I left there beautifully made-up, but not sure if that was how I wanted to look on my wedding. I was a little stressed, because the trials are so expensive! I couldn't really afford to keep getting trials done! Through a course of conversation, I found out that my former student Shae is really great at make-up. I went to her house, she did a trial - and it was great! And she wants to do it for me as her gift to me. Sold! Her sister Keira is really good at hair, so we may be trying that as well.

By the way, her mom Eileen is a wedding pro and is giving me all kinds of help, too - candles for centerpieces, connections at a hotel, connections w/ flowers, limos, etc.... My good friend Kari is also an event planner, so we are planning to have a conversation about all this, too! Yay!

We are in the process of planning the rehearsal...I'm tempted to say dinner, but it's not a dinner. We are thinking of doing it the Saturday morning the weekend before the wedding. If it all works out, we'll rehearse, then go back to my parents for bagels, muffins, fruit - a brunch type of thing. Much simpler, much cheaper. I think I would be stressed if I had to do this the week of the wedding.

I also got my time off from school approved! Thank you Jesus!

So, what I still have left to do...centerpieces, decide on hair, limos, flowers, ...I still need the veil, shoes, jewelry... it's a lot, but most of the big ones are out of the way.

The big news, though? The place we will be living...more to come on that later...

Big Daddy

2009-10-28T06:10:00.002-04:00

My Father is definitely coming through. I felt so much worry and stress over details, but it's been so encouraging for my heart to see my Daddy taking care of me.

I know most earthly dads want to throw their girls a big, dreamy wedding. I know my dad would if he were able to.

I didn't think God was into that. Now, I'm not saying that I think God is behind spending excessive amounts of ridiculous cash on this. But, I do think God does recognize the importance of the occasion and will provide for what we need.

Case in point: Just met with the videographer. He is our neighbor and he is giving us a great deal. Amazing. Half price. I am actually under-budget for this.

Another testimony: I have been searching like crazy for invitations. I could do the DIY, which I'm not opposed to at all, but I just worry about what they will look like, for all the time invested in it. Still an option, but I finally found a site that got good reviews - and the prices were extremely reasonable. It is called vponsale.com. Very cute invitations! Not that an invitation is an important part of the day...but I don't know, I guess I just wanted to do the best I could do, without sacrificing some of the aesthetics. It looks like that might be possible.

I am learning not to worry and just trusting that things will come together. And that God will help. I'm starting to believe that God is actually excited about the occasion and planning it, right along with me.

Finally, wedding planning is starting to become fun. :)